Four

How do you drink hot chocolate?

(I know I already posted today, but we just returned from sledding and I had to put this on too)

Did You Know...

Did you know that porcupines climb trees?

Or that their quills are very hard to get out of a dog?

Hard to Sleep

I'm having a hard time sleeping. This is usually NOT a problem. It definitely is not because I am not tired. My mind races. It's like a great big Nascar race inside my head.

When I pray before I go to bed I pray for BoyOne and BoyTwo. And good grief. I can think of soooooooo many things to pray for concerning them. Where do you even start?! I pray for their health, that they will stay warm, that they will be able to learn, that they will remember happiness, the list goes on and on. I imagine it might be like a prayer a mother of a missionary would offer. The kids are in this strange land, I can't get to them or talk to them. Who knows if they are even getting my letters. You start to think of all the little itty bitty things.

The other night I had a weird momentary dream that there was a fire. I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. After checking on my girls, I lay in bed thinking of all the injustices in the world and trying to determine what, if anything, I could possibly do. I talked to my cousin the other night. I told her about a program I know of that helps kids phasing out of foster care here in the US and about another program that helps kids who "graduate" from an orphanage. I told her maybe that's what they need in Ukraine. We both said I have 3 years to figure it out. Three years because that is when BoyOne will "graduate."

Then, when I tried to sleep, I thought to myself "what about the other kids that "graduate" before then?"

And then I stayed awake for a really long time and prayed some more.

Snow!!!

This morning we woke up to a foot of snow.

This after the foot we had yesterday.

Winter is here! You can't even see the rocks in our backyard. I am now understanding why it's called Powder Mountain, why Utah claims to have the greatest snow on earth and why EVERYONE has a snow blower.

We'll either love it or move back home:)

I think we're going to love it...

as soon as we get a snow blower.

p.s. thanks to our neighbor who laughed at Huz shoveling this morning and plowed our drive for us.

Did That Really Just Happen?!

I have debated putting this on here. I'm not sure how I feel publicizing my regular life. I know my friends from our old neighborhood and those living far away might appreciate hearing about the day to day, so I'll give it a shot.

I'm bathing Four. She stands up and pees in the tub. "Sick!!"

I tell her. "Time to get out!" Then I make the mistake of

turning around to grab her towel. As I turn back around

she is lying in the tub, drinking the water. "Aughhhhh!

You are drinking your pee!! Stop!!!! That is soooo gross!!"

She stands up, makes that "ahh" sound you do when you

take a big drink, licks her lips and says, "yum."

Also, Princess the black bunny somehow knows how to let himself out of his cage. Sigh.

Moratorium

I told several of you briefly about the moratorium the Ukraine legislation is trying to pass. I also said that I'd post more information to explain it. So, here I am.

Moratorium, by definition, is a suspension of activity.

Moratorium ,in regards to adoption, therefore means a suspension of all adoptions.

The following is my opinion, based on facts, of moratoriums in general.

The parliament in Ukraine and in many other Eastern European countries are being pressured into disallowing adoptions as a requisite to becoming part of the European Union. The European Union itself may be a good thing for these countries, however banning international adoption is not good, nor does it benefit any involved. The intent of the EU is supposedly for the applying countries to "clean up their orphan situation." However, how can anyone view the banning of international adoption as an asset to this goal? In the majority of these eastern European countries, adoption within the countries is not popular, due to social stigmas and other fatalistic views, nor is it economically feasible for the residents therein. Children who are orphaned often do not have anyone to live with or a place to go, skills to survive or means to take care of themselves once they reach the age of 16 and are expelled from the orphanages. They quickly turn to measures of desperation to simply survive-drugs, alcohol, and prostitution, paving the way for an entire new generation of orphans to be born. These orphans are looked down upon, often being denied occupancy and employment due to their unchosen orphan classification. Oftentimes these countries resort to actually destroying records of orphans or simply not registering them as such, therefore making it impossible for adoption to ever take place. This is done in order to cause the appearance of their "orphan situation" being taken care of. The stark reality of this legislation is that due to the financial hardships faced by citizens of these countries,along with social stigmas, these children will never have the opportunity to be adopted. How is it possible that any person could look at these facts and statistics and in good conscience require the banning of international adoption when clearly the children who are already suffering in these institutions will be so directly and negatively impacted? Surely the governments will not benefit from these qualifications as the population of orphans will thus increase and in turn require more of their budget to institutionalize and support these children. I cannot accept or even begin to understand the thought process that goes into the idea that banning international adoption is the way to end the cycle of orphans and "help" the "situation" or that it should somehow be a requisite for the entrance into a political entity.

The direct, immediate impact of a moratorium is that those hoping to adopt, along with those currently processing paperwork to adopt, may not be permitted to pursue their planned adoption. Children who have already been abandoned and are currently living in institutions will be denied the opportunity to have a family who will both love and care for them. Families, hoping to gain a son or daughter, would not be allowed to pursue the avenue of adoption.

As the parliament of Ukraine prepares to vote on this issue, please pray that the hearts of those voting will be softened, that the adoptions that are being processed will be successful, and that those children left in institutions will be able to overcome statistics and become productive, self-sufficient members of society.

I'm Back

Well, I'm back. Meaning I remembered who I was and I'm done being sad and I'm ready to do something. Not sure what yet, but I have a few ideas.

Pretty much I got a little bugged last night thinking about how a 13 year old punk told me what to do and I listened to him. Hello?! Apparently he is unaware of who he is dealing with. He doesn't know that I do what I want. He doesn't know that I just can't let things go. He doesn't know that I just don't go away. He doesn't know that I don't just take things as they are and go with the flow. If it's not good, I'm all about change. Wether that means donations to the orphanage, or a program to help displaced orphans (now that is definitely 2 extremes). Anyone who knows me knows I don't just sit back and wait for things to happen.

We'll be in touch. You and me and him and me.

Little turd.

Gone 2 Days

So, here I am. I am feeling pretty sad. I miss the boys. So do my girls. A few times a day they'll remember something funny that one of the boys did or said. They'll tell me they miss them. Four has even starting doing this face that BoyTwo did while he was here. It is pretty funny. I wonder if they picked up any habits from us? What do they remember about their time here? All fun and games or anything pertinent to life?

I want to do something to help improve their situation, but with a request of no contact, what am I to do? I am glad that they are happy enough with their situation that they want to go back. Do I wish they wanted to be adopted? Of course. But more than that, I pray for their safety, happiness and health. I pray that they will have success, meaning I hope they become productive, self-sufficient members of society. I pray that the cycle of orphans ends with their childhood and is not passed on. I pray they stay away from the bad crowds, drugs and alcohol that resulted in their being placed in an orphanage. I pray they remember the feelings of safety and happiness and family that they experienced while they were here. I believe they came into our lives for a reason. But what am I going to do with it now? I feel I should do something to help them. But help them with what? How?

We took a picture of our whole family with them the night before they left. It looks just perfect. I'm glad to have that, especially because things were so cool when they left.

The house is quiet. The car is quiet. My girls have started being naughty again.

How do I go back to having a normal life now? It just seems wrong to chalk it up to a great experience and get in my nice warm car and drive to the elementary school to staple book orders together (even though that's what I just did). How am I supposed to start thinking about Christmas when our family is already so spoiled and so many others have so little? I've already written and mailed a letter to each boy (even though BoyOne said not to, I figured he'd want the pics) and sent some pictures that hadn't been developed when they left. It seems so lame. So easy to just drop it in the mail and go on with my nice little fairy tale life. It's not right. It's not good enough for me (not my life, but just going on with my life). What does God want me to do with this? Any ideas? Anyone?

A line from one of my favorite books, The Shack, comes to mind. It is talking about how everything we do matters. It says that because we are important, everything we do is important. "Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my (meaning God) purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again."

Last Day

As with most good things in life, this hosting experience came to an end way to fast.

Sunday morning we all got ready for church-no complaints from BoyOne other than a groan which I always get from my girls who are used to going to church every single Sunday. And again, we just did sacrament meeting. BoyTwo was a little restless, along with my girls. There were several drink and potty breaks. I didn't even care.

At home, I made some crepes. I had heard that Ukrainian crepes had sour cream in them. Not sure if this was an ingredient or a topping, I googled some recipes. I found recipes for both sour cream in crepes and on crepes. So, I came up with my own little recipe using sour cream both in the crepes and in a topping. They were really good. I had to make more. Yeah!

After lunch, the kids headed outside to play-except BoyOne. He started acting all somber. I wasn't sure if it was due to the fact he was leaving in the morning or because I don't allow computer on Sunday. He headed upstairs. I gave him a little time alone while I cleaned up from lunch and then headed up to check on him. He lay on his bed staring straight ahead. I sat next to him. I asked through my phone translator if he was ok. He gave his "cool" shrug. The "I don't know what you're talking about" one that I think EVERY kid gives. So I typed that I was sorry he was having a hard time. He continued to look at the wall. I typed to him that he ought to go play outside with dad and the kids because we would be leaving soon. Just then, huz poked his head around the corner and asked him to come outside and play. BoyOne turned on his side and buried his head it the pillow and said a very emotional, "no." Huz went outside with the kids and I stayed with BoyOne while he cried and cried. He didn't want to look at me or let me comfort him as he had done last week when he was upset. I think he was trying to "cut the ties" because he was leaving. It broke my heart. Finally he gained composure and ran outside. It was like he was able to flip a switch. From that moment until the last moment we saw him he was distant and kind of acting silly. It reminded me of what you do when you are trying hard not to be upset about something.

Sunday evening we headed to Huz's parents house as it would save us an hour of travel in the morning. The kids needed to be to the airport at 6 a.m. Yuck. I had arranged to speak with a translator that evening in regards to adoption. We met with some of the group at a church where the Ukrainian Jazz player, Fesenko, showed up, spoke for about 30 seconds and then signed some autographs. The boys thought it was pretty cool. They kept holding their hands way high up in the air to show that he was soooo tall.

When it was time to speak with the translator, BoyOne wanted his friend in the room with us. I asked the translator what he thought would be best. The translator, who has had this conversation with many many of these kids before, suggested to not allow the friend in the room as it may taint BoyOne's reply. So, I shooed him out. This annoyed BoyOne. Our little meeting lasted all of 2 minutes. I had the translator ask BoyOne how it made him feel when we asked him if he wanted to be in our family and what he thought about that. BoyOne answered back and the translator told me that he had said, "I have a family. A mom, a dad, a grandma. I don't need another family." That was fine, I really wanted to know what he was honestly thinking, even if that was it. The part that made me feel bad was that he wouldn't even look at me and the tone of his voice was so weird. He just kind of sounded like a little jerk. But, he is 13. So then I had the translator ask if it was ok if we still sent letters and packages as we had planned (we meaning BoyOne too). This answer hurt my feelings. "No. Don't contact me. I don't see the point. I will never see you again." And then I felt so bad for the translator. You could tell he felt really bad and probably really awkward. He asked if I wanted him to try to explain why he should want to stay in America. I said no. I didn't feel like I was interested in trying to win him over, so to speak. We do not want to force anyone into doing anything they are not interested in or comfortable with. And we truly have his best interest in mind.

After the little meeting we went to the hall where his friend was waiting. BoyOne asked to stay and visit for a little while. I said sure. After about 20 minutes the SAC leader told us all that we needed to leave as the building was about to be used for another meeting. I had this translated to BoyOne and told him that we needed to go. Then he flipped out. He started yelling at me in Russian and I have no idea what he was saying but I'm pretty sure it wasn't very nice as there were about 8 translators in the room and none of them would tell me what he said. What a nice way to end the evening.

Once we were back in the car he tried to chit chat and acted like nothing had happened. I tried to do the same but really I was pretty sad that he had just said whatever he had yelled at me, even though I had no idea what it was...

When we arrived at Huz's parents Huz and our kids were anxiously waiting to hear what his answer had been and were disappointed to say the least that he had said no. We tried to turn this into a little lesson for our older girls. Huz told them that this is probably how Heavenly Father feels a lot of the time. It is so obvious to Him and others what the best thing to do would be but then sometimes we make choices that in turn make our lives more difficult. He told the girls that just how we feel sad that BoyOne doesn't want us to contact him, Heavenly Father feels sad if we don't talk to him. The parallel was wonderful. But it still sucked. I tried to take a few more pictures of the boys with our girls. Huz's parents took one of all of us together. I will post two even though I'm not supposed to. I'm posting both because in the one with BoyTwo holding the transformer in front of his face, BoyOne is smiling. In the pic with BoyTwo's face showing, BoyOne is not smiling. So, there you go. It's a great picture, isn't it.

Monday morning at 4:30 we were up and loading all their luggage into the car. The boys were very tired but cooperated. They didn't want breakfast-I couldn't blame them, it was too early for me to eat, too. I brought along some bananas and apples for them to take. When we arrived at the airport we were one of the first families there. The others slowly trickled in. BoyOne was happy to see his friends, many of which had decided to be adopted and were having a difficult time parting with their families. The boys found a diet coke (lovely breakfast) and shared that. Actually, BoyTwo found the drink and then BoyOne chased him, pushed him down and took it away, then after we gave him some looks shared it. The boys kept coming by us saying bye and asking if they could take our watch or my diamond. I think they were trying to be funny but you never know...

They finally boarded the plane. It was hard to see them leave. It was harder to drive home from Huz's parents house without them and even harder to go into our house. There was virtually no reminder of them. We had sent everything we had for them with them. All that was left were their empty beds.

Seriously?

One, Two and a friend are upstairs in the loft playing with their littlest pet shops. They are playing orphanage. I can't decide if I think it's cute or politically incorrect...

They were just singing "Oh I Just Can't Wait to be King" from the movie The Lion King. I hollered up, "hey! When I was a cheerleader in high school we did a dance to that song." I should really learn to think before I speak.

One answered back, "Was that movie even around back then?"

I replied, laughing, "yes, of course! I think it came out that year."

She answered back, "it seems like it's brand new...

"So they just had to add color?"

Shopping

I forgot to tell one of the sweetest stories so far!!

I took the boys shopping on Thursday to find a soccer ball and cleats for each. They were so excited!!! As soon as we were home the boys were in their cleats and outside playing soccer. Pretty quickly, BoyOne came stomping inside, visibly upset. He showed me his ball. It had some scuffs on it from being played with. I tried to show him that when you play with a ball, that is what happens. He was very upset.

His brother had seen him go inside, unhappy. He followed him in to see what the problem was. He saw the scuffs on the ball and after BoyOne threw the ball down and stomped upstairs to his room, picked it up and also went upstairs. I didn't follow, assuming that they could use some boy time, brother bonding or something. Then, I heard the bath water start. I ran upstairs and found BoyTwo filling the tub with water, the ball in the tub. He proceeded to cover it in soap and carefully wash and dry it and then take it into BoyOne.

Watching little brother care for big brother was so sweet. BoyTwo tries soooo hard to keep up with all those big boys. He tries so hard to be cool and tough. He wants so badly to impress BoyOne. He just wants his love and friendship. Sometimes I get so frustrated at BoyOne when he is mean to his brother. Why can't he just be nice to him? Good grief. He's just a little boy. It is heart breaking to watch BoyTwo try to be so grown up when he should just be playing and learning to read and ride a bike. The last thing he needs is his brother being mean. BoyOne is not always mean, thank heavens. There are times when he is just the best brother ever. I wish I could convince him to be that kid all the time.

Movie Night

We thought that for our last Saturday with the boys we would play at the park and go to see a movie. All the kids were excited about this.

The park where we live rocks. It's pretty old, but also has lots of new equipment. Before we moved here we loved to come play here when we were vacationing. The boys loved being on the swings, spinning on this wheel thing and getting dizzy. They were hilarious. They would have us spin them, then they would get off and try to walk. We were all laughing. Then, huz, being the cool dad he is, started a game of chase on the big jungle gym. It kind of reminded me of King Kong. The kids were all running everywhere, trying to get away from him. He would go after them and make it up the stairs in one giant step, or he'd scale the outside of the tunnel slide. Everyone was screaming and squealing.

At one point BoyOne told me he needed to use the bathroom. The bathrooms at this park have been locked for the winter. But, here's where having boys is handy, I told him to just go pee on a tree. He thought that was pretty funny.

After the park, we headed into town to see a movie. I don't even know for sure the name of it. Megamind or something? Anyhow, the kids enjoyed it. I thought it was a little slow, but it had a good message. There is one line that I wish I could tattoo on all the kids. It says, "Destiny is not the path laid out in front of you, but the path you choose." Such wisdom in a cartoon. Isn't that the lesson of life? What are you going to do with your situation? What will you make of yourself? Too bad it wasn't a russian cinema. And I'm not thinking their choice of being adopted. I'm thinking of what will they choose to do with their lives? Regardless of where they are living. What will all of us do with our lives? I gave a talk in church a few weeks ago about free agency. For me, free agency is more than just making a good choice when there is a decision to be made. I believe free agency consists of continually choosing to do good. Not that I am the poster child for this at all. It's just something that I remind myself of a lot. I try to make life happen, instead of waiting for life to happen to me. Like I said, a work in progress.

After the movie we went to dinner at the Pizza Factory, a family favorite. On the way home I could tell that BoyOne was in not-a-great mood. He didn't do or say anything-that was my clue. He didn't listen to any music or try to chat or anything. Just sat very quietly and stared out the front window. What's going on in your mind? Don't you know that you don't have to figure everything out all by yourself? I think they are too used to being on their own. Too sad.

Bounce House

Friday was another organized SAC activity. We went to a bounce house. The kids had a great time. The boys had seen pictures on my phone of the girls at one and I told them that we would be going. Ever since then, they have been so excited.

It was interesting, watching all these kids interact. The boys always got in front of the girls in line, as in cutting in. I was told that this is the way in Ukraine, boys are always first. Again, possible problem with their country? I had to grab BoyTwo several times to "help" him wait his turn. All in all, it was super fun and the kids were sad to leave. I didn't get any pictures like I had planned as I was very busy chasing after BoyTwo, making sure he didn't escape... BoyOne had a great time with the inflatables and then later spent some time at the air hockey table. He is really athletic and good at all sports. I told him via the computer translator one time that he is very good at athletics, that it was a talent. He said, "no," and then pantomimed volleyball and golf. He has a good sense of humor, too. I can joke with him and it's fun. For example, for Halloween I asked if he wanted to dress up as a girl. At first he was mortified but then he saw I was kidding and laughed. Another time, we were all in the bathroom brushing teeth and doing hair and I pretended to start to put pony tails in his hair. He thought that was pretty funny too.

This past week, BoyOne has been staying up later than all the other kids and watching movies and hanging out with huz and I. He always falls asleep on the couch and huz will carry him up to his bed. The latest he's made it is 10:00 p.m. Wish my girls were more like that!!

Friday night we dropped One off at a lesson and went to our old neighborhood school to let the kids play while we waited. We had a great time, Two and Three played with a couple of their great friends from when we lived there. BoyOne and BoyTwo brought their new soccer balls and cleats to play soccer. This caused a little trouble. BoyOne really can be just the best brother and best kid and can be so happy. But then, other times, he is just mean and ornery. He's mean to his brother. That makes me the most sad. I know it's probably because of how he was treated, but I still wish he could find it in himself to rise above. Anyhow, tonight was one of those nights. He was mean to his brother, making him cry and hide behind me from him. When we asked him to stop, he just yelled. He was very easily frustrated with himself while playing ball, to the point that it wasn't fun for anyone anymore. He is so hard on himself at times. Expects perfection. He forgets that he's only 13 and that he hasn't had many opportunities to do the things he's trying to do. Poor kid. So, we went home, he wouldn't eat dinner, wouldn't talk to us, wouldn't look at us, stayed in his room facing the wall and eventually went to sleep. Sad. What a way to spend one of your final days here. Sigh.

Eskimo Kisses

I taught BoyTwo how to give an Eskimo kiss. Now, he will take my face in his hands and rub noses with me at random times. It is very funny. He does it so seriously and then looks at me like he's so proud of himself. He really is the funniest kid. He loves to take baths in our master tub. He is a little fish. He also likes to gargle water.

He continues to have little chats with me. I really have no idea what he's saying, but it's fun to watch his face as he tells me his stories. He gives lots of hugs and is learning how to share and doesn't seem to feel as threatened by the other kids. He likes to play with our Fisher Price Little People houses and animals. I wonder if they have anything like that at the orphanage? It's too bad their postal system is so corrupt or I'd buy a bunch and ship them over. Such a simple thing.

Zoo Day

Today was an organized group event, courtesy of SAC. Huz took the day off and our whole family went. The weather was cool, but not too bad. Over all, it was a great day to be there.

We let BoyTwo stay with his friends and the rest of us stuck together. I felt pretty comfortable with this as we were frequently within eye shot (is that even a term?) of their group.

At noon we were supposed to meet at a picnic area to eat as a large group and to meet the Jazz player from Ukraine, Fsenko. Probably slaughtered that spelling, but oh well. At noon we were there and we were the only ones. By 12:30 a few other families had come. At around 1:00 we received word that Fsenko had thrown up at practice and was sent home. Apparently when this happens they are required to not go anywhere the remainder of the day. Kinda sounds to me like when my kids stay home from school because they are "sick" and I don't let them go anywhere so they can be sure to start "feeling better." So, needless to say, that was a disappointment to many of the boys there.

We didn't get home from the zoo until after 4. I'm not sure I've ever spent so much time there. But, it was a good time, the kids all seemed to have had fun.

Tonight Huz had a client dinner so I was on my own again. Honestly, I can't even remember what we did the rest of the evening! Later, after all the kids were in bed, BoyOne was still awake. Huz and I decided to have a little computer talk with him. He has been acting like he enjoys us and being here, he plays with the kids well, both our kids and others, he asks when he has to go back to Ukraine and when we tell him, he says "NOOOO." We get hugs every morning and night, except for Sunday and Monday after the concert. We really love these boys and would love for them to be part of our family. In observing the boys, we feel they are comfortable here with us and would be happy. We decided to at least give them the option. Ultimately, we want what is best for them, even if it means that it isn't us. We believe they came into our lives for a reason and we want to help them however they need, wether through adopting them or keeping in contact with them, or simply our prayers for them. So, we asked BoyOne to come to the computer to translate. We told him how we have enjoyed having him in our home. We told him we loved him and BoyTwo. We told him that we would love for them to become part of our family if they wanted. We asked if he was worried about living in another country and learning a new language. He answered yes. He, with much sign language, asked what grade he would be in and where he would go to school. We answered those questions and then just told him we wanted them to be happy. That was most important to us. Then we asked if he'd like to think about it, he answered yes. By the way, there is not a word for adopt in Russian. We have been told that we would need to initiate any discussion of this due to the incredibly low self-esteem these kids have. We decided to wait and see how he acted to decide what we should do next.

Tuesday

Tuesday was a long day.

I am now feeling pretty crummy and Tyler was going to be gone until about 9 tonight. I ended up letting the girls stay home from school because we got home so late. This helped me immensely as they could all entertain each other.

Behavior from both boys was excellent, everyone played well together and then when Huz came home, he took the Bigs (I am now calling the oldest 3 the Bigs and the youngest three the Littles) to our church to play basketball. They burned off some energy, came home and went to bed happy.

Pretty uneventful and guess what? That is good.

I need to add that although we have had some behavioral problems, this is to be expected from kids who have not had the opportunity of living with a loving, functional family. These kids have had quite the rough life thus far and their actions, I believe, are a direct result of their past. I am continuing to enjoy my time with them and still dread having to send them home.

Litter Bugs

The boys have not been taught to not litter. Even in the house. Apparently, orphanages hire old grandmas to walk around the buildings and premises and pick up garbage and clean up messes. So, it is common place for the kids to drop garbage wherever it is made. Even in the house.

I showed BoyOne where the garbage can was and showed him to throw his garbage away. So far, he's done a pretty good job remembering. BoyTwo, different story. If I see him drop garbage, I help him pick it up and most of the time he is fine to do so.

A couple days ago we were driving in the car. BoyOne unwrapped a granola bar or something that had a wrapper and I saw him prepare to throw it out the window. "No," I said, holding out my hand for the garbage. He almost handed it to me. But then he got that look in his eye that he's been getting, the look of defiance, and chucked it out the window. So, I stopped the car, put it in reverse and backed up down the road. I didn't even have to tell him, he got out of the car and picked up the garbage. Then, he threw it at me. And the rest of the way down the street he pointed out EVERY single piece of garbage we passed. He tried to tell me that it was ok to litter in Ukraine. I felt like telling him that perhaps that is part of the problem with their country... But I didn't. I did tell him that it is against the law to litter and that regardless of what anyone else does, we do what is right. This is a lesson that every parent tries to teach their kids, they usually have longer than two weeks to do it in.

SAC Concert

Monday was a long day. As Mondays usually are.

This particular Monday was the "one week left" mark for the boys. I was feeling all sorts of panicky thinking of them leaving. The girls went to school in the morning. I picked them up early. The plan was to go into town to a ski shop and have us fitted for skiis. Next, we needed to be in Sandy by 4:30 for a dress rehearsal for a benefit concert that SAC was having. This concert is a big deal as it is the primary fundraiser for these hosting trips. At 6:00 we were going to to leave the concert, take Three and Four to my sister's house and jet back to the concert. Sounds easy enough, right?

I knew the boys, BoyOne in particular, was not going to be happy about this concert thing. I knew that if he would give it half a chance he would enjoy himself. This is the constant problem. It is SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!! He is defiant and does not want to go anywhere. When we finally get to wherever it is, he is mad. When it is nearing time to leave, he finally begins to have a good time. This behavior is typical of many children of many ages in many circumstances. It is just hard when there is this GREAT BIG HUGE language barrier.

I decide early in the day to prep BoyOne on the concert. I tell him via computer translation that we have a concert to attend. This concert earns money that pays for his vacation here. I know he does not want to go, but we have to. All of his friends will be there. I believe he will actually enjoy it. He moans and groans a little and that is it. Relief floods over me.

Now, we're off to pick up the girls. In hindsight I should have skipped this next event. I didn't really have an option though due to other events going on and a time frame that had to be met. I took all six kids with me to the ski shop to be fitted for skiis. This started out just fine. When we were getting ready to be done, BoyOne starts to get upset. I need to explain that I had already told him what we were doing and that we wished he would be here this winter to ski with us. Maybe next year. Back to real time. He is getting upset and I'm trying to find out why. He is not wanting to talk to me or look at me. I personally think he is upset because he is thinking about how he has to go back to Ukraine soon and we get to stay here in our free country eating doughnuts and snow skiing. It really would have been better if I had not brought them along, for their sakes. I felt really bad. I really do wish they could just be part of our family and ski with us.

Now we're in the car headed to pick up huz and go to the concert. BoyOne is bugged that we have to pick up huz, but at the same time glad to see him. He doesn't want to give up his shot gun seat to me, and not willing to risk ticking him off, I voluntarily take the back seat. Not the middle back, but the very back seat of the suburban. The one that has shortened leg space. We ride all the way from I-89 in Layton to Sandy with my knees touching my chin. I'm also leaning forward holding hands with Three and Four. Good gravy.

We get to the concert. We sit around for a really long time waiting for our rehearsal turn. Now, I understand that this is how dress rehearsals go. Each number has to practice and get their sound system worked out. Problem is BoyOne has probably never been to a concert, let alone a dress rehearsal and most other people did not show up until well after we did. He launches a personal attack against me. An attack of silence, glares and occasional Russian that sounds accusing. I apologize. I tell him we were here when we were supposed to be. I tell him I didn't know everyone else was going to be late. Could he just hang out with his friends as they arrive and as we wait our turn?

Finally, our turn to rehearse. We are to stand as families. He will not stand with us. Because he won't, neither will his copy cat brother. We finally get them to come by us and BoyTwo freaks out. We are talking biting, kicking, hitting and spitting. Mixed in with some colorful Russian. I haul him out. I try to calm him down. No go. I see some kids enter the building and I recognize them as being adopted from Ukraine in previous years (I have turned into a blog stalker, embarrassing). I call out to them, asking (begging, really) for help translating. They come over and try to talk to BoyTwo. I have NO idea what is being said but I can see the frustration in BoyTwo's little face. He is trying so hard not to cry, to be tough. And that makes me start to cry. I reach over to touch his shoulder and he gives me this horrible look of hate, which makes me really sad. The night is now in disaster mode.

After more biting, hitting, and kicking from BoyTwo and more being ignored from BoyOne (I'm not expecting him to be my BFF or anything, a simple acknowledgement of my existence will do), I am beginning to seriously doubt myself. What was I thinking?! Really?!!!

I pass one of the Chaperone's, not the one that stayed with us, and ask her to translate for me. I ask her to tell BoyTwo the following:

No hitting.

No kicking.

No biting.

No yelling.

No running away.

Say sorry to me.

He mocks me, but ends up saying "sorly" and agrees to not do the above. On to BoyOne. I ask her to tell him he needs to stay near us. He needs to cooperate. He needs to participate in this concert. This concert pays for his vacation. He needs to be respectful. I know he does not want to be here, but he must, at the request of the program.

They engage in a conversation. I know more is being said than what was originally planned. I ask what is going on. I am told that he thinks we are not a good family. We make him do things he does not want to do. We will not take him to the activities. When we go, we are late. At this point I am about to lose it. Because remember who is making us late with his emotional-ness????? Remember how much we want him and want him to be here? My feelings are hurt and I am offended that he would tell his leaders that we are a bad family.

And then one of my friends from my old neighborhood shows up for the concert. Here I am telling her how awesome this is, singing praises for adoption and all these kids and she finds me sitting on stairs crying. Nice. Another SAC friend comes over to me and offers a listening ear. My husband is gone (taking Three and Four to my sis's) and I have no idea where my Ukrainian boys are, and my girls are upset because they want to go to the concert.

Huz finally gets back and I tell him I just want to leave. He is surprised to see me this upset because it takes a lot to get me like this. We go to find the boys and as we round the corner, the Ukrainian director of this program is coming around the corner the opposite direction with BoyOne. Apparently she found him and heard what was going on and had a little talk with him.

She starts to tell me that he just doesn't want to be here (concert). Because of his past he doesn't properly express himself. He doesn't understand that I am upset because I care. He just thinks that I am one more bossy woman telling him what to do. I have already thought these things. I tell her that as much as I really love having them at my house, maybe they don't want us. Maybe they should go to another family so that they will enjoy their visit. She tells me no, that is not the problem. She tells me that she asked him if anyone had ever told him he was smart. He said no. She told him that we said he was smart. She asked him if anyone had ever said nice things about him. He said no. She said we said lots of nice things about him. She told him that mom (me) is crying because she loves you. He is surprised. She asks him if he knows what it means to have a family. He says he does. She tells him this is his chance. He needs to show us with his actions because he does not know the words or the feelings. I am still not convinced that he does not hate us.

We go to the last half of the concert. BoyOne is on his best behavior. BoyTwo is a regular 6 year old boy. We stay until it is almost over and then we have to leave to pick up the other kids and drive 1 1/2 hours home. What a night. I cry the whole drive.

p.s. the actual concert was great

Not a sunny day

Not a sunny Sunday, and we're not talking weather.

Judas. Church was slightly easier this week. I didn't even attempt to have him dress in Sunday clothing. I am a little bit bugged though because I know most of the other host families have taken the children they are hosting to church in appropriate church attire and have not had the conflict that we have had. Whatever. We got there.

At home we had another lovely (no, I'm not being sarcastic) lunch. And then, because I am getting pretty sick (of course. could there be any better time?) I tried to lay down. hahaha.

So, I just got up and started getting dinner ready. My sister with the silver hair and her husband were coming up for dinner and to meet the boys I had been raving about. Way. to. jinx. it. So, they came, my sis and I stayed in the house and chatted while we watched the husbands and all the kids play outside. And, as it often does when dads are involved, the playing got a little crazy. This itself is not the problem. The problem is that the children have a difficult time unwinding and often lose control and a whole new set of problems arise. This is what happened. BoyOne was super hyper. The out of control kind. Huz finally led him upstairs to his room and told him to calm down. Or at least he tried to. Huz rarely gets upset with the kids. It sometimes bugs me because I end up having to be the disciplinarian ALL THE TIME. (For any Modern Family watchers, I've started calling him Phil when this happens. i.e. the episode where Phil promises his children a new computer, a chicken pot pie and a car if they "unplug" for a week) Anyhow, so if dad ever gets mad, and his mad is really just a disappointed look, the kids are devastated. Devastated. And BoyOne was just that. I had to sit upstairs with him for two hours trying to console him. I think his heart broke. I felt bad for him. There's finally a father figure in his life and he feels like he just got in trouble. Poor kid. Finally, I convince him to come eat dinner with me (everyone else is long done by now). I'm hoping that he'll get over this quick. It seems like once he is downstairs he does.

Later, while we're watching t.v. as a group BoyOne comes up to me and says, "Thank you mama" and kisses my cheek. This is huge.

Halloween

Happy Halloween!!

Today started with a soccer game. Two's last one 'til spring. I must say, as much as I love soccer, I am glad for this season to be over. Here in the mountains it is c.o.l.d. And honestly, at this age these kids were ready to be done about three games ago. Still fun though.

After soccer we began to get ready to go trick or treating. We had decided to go to our old neighborhood. We know everyone in every house there and felt that it would be safer (as in if some Ukrainian child happened to get lost) and easier (as in the houses are all occupied and closer together). Also, this neighborhood has a fabulous tradition of gathering beforehand for dinner. Each year a picture of the kids is taken and it is fun to compare the size of the group and the height. Thanks so much to the same neighbor for hosting year, after year, after year...

I have learned these past few days that if we want to be anywhere at a reasonable time I have to start prepping the boys about 3 hours before. So at like noon we started getting costumes ready. Go me! BoyOne decided, after everyone was already in the car, he wanted his face painted like a skeleton to go along with his pirate costume. Fine, I thought. Like Pirates of the Caribbean which I'm guessing he has never seen. There was even a picture of how he wanted it done on the package the paints came in. So, about halfway through, and 10 minutes into it, he changes his mind. AUGH!! He just wants dark eyes. Whatever. Just wipe it off and get in the car. This is seriously way more girly than I ever imagined a boy would be. Good grief. In his defense, this is probably going to be his one and only Halloween ever and I'm sure he wants it to be perfect.

We finally get back to the old hood. He changes his mind even more and wants ALL the paint off. So, instead of eating, I'm inside wiping paint off that I just painted. Whatever...

It is now time to trick or treat. It is raining and cold. Know what? They didn't even care. We were supposed to have split up, me with the littles and huz with the bigs. Somehow, we kept overlapping and I felt like I was struggling to keep track of everyone instead. So, at the end of our street I took Four and BoyTwo and Huz took the older four kids. That lasted about 15 houses and then we all were together. At the end, I took the youngest four to my neighbor's house with her kids (who we were trick or treating with) and huz, One and BoyOne kept going.

It was a successful night. The kids made out like bandits, and so did we. One does not like caramel, nuts or most chocolate. WHO'S KID IS SHE??? So we score all the unwanteds from her. The boys had a great time and were well mannered, saying thank you at each house. In the beginning BoyTwo was trying to eat each piece of candy between houses but quickly figured out that this was going to be an all night thing. He still ate a ton of candy.

It's all good, everybody had a great time, we were so glad to see old friends and we all got lots of candy and went home with tired kids. Great day.

A Million Kisses

I am lucky enough to be hosting one of the younger Ukrainians. Lucky because I get to sit with him each night as he falls asleep and he doesn't think it's weird. I trace his sweet little face with my finger and listen to his breathing become steady so that I know that he is sleeping. As I trace his face, I try to do it so softly and slowly so that it will last him, if necessary, a life time. I try to memorize his little features so that, if necessary, it will last me a life time. And then, when I am sure he is sleeping, I kiss his cheeks a million times. He is so little and it breaks my heart to think that his little cheeks probably weren't kissed very often, that they are rarely kissed now, and that they may never be kissed again. I also do it for me. Because I may never get to kiss those little cheeks again. And that would be a real tragedy.

In case you're wondering, I do give him kisses while he is awake, but we all know how special it is to kiss a sleeping child.

Friday

Wow. Friday was busy.

We started by getting everyone bathed and ready for the day. Preparations included packing everyone's Halloween costumes. It went fairly smoothly until BoyOne's fake bloody sword was broken. He and BoyTwo had been sword fighting and it was just too much action for that fake bloody sword. BoyOne was, to put it mildly, devastated. These are the times when their emotional age shines through and is very easily several years younger than their actual age. I really did feel bad for him. I mean it's his first Halloween ever and he was so excited.

We had to haul into SLC for dentist appointments at donated dental. BoyOne has some chipped teeth but I hadn't looked in his mouth to see if there were any obvious cavities. BoyTwo, however had at least 4 that I could easily see. By the time we got to donated dental for our 11 o'clock appointment, they were very behind schedule. I had all 6 kids with me. I had hoped to drop off the girls with a sitter but I was worried about time frame for the rest of the day so I ended up taking them with me. We were supposed to have an appointment with a Facilitator to get specific information about the boys entrance into the orphanage. This meeting was to be at 1. Fortunately Facilitator was held up in another appointment. We didn't even get into the dentist until 1. Yes ma'am. That is 2 HOURS later than our scheduled time!!!!!!! With 6 kids!!!!!!!

By the time we had our appointments the dentists were done giving fillings as they had already done so many and were so far behind schedule. This was very sad for me. BoyTwo has 6 cavities. They are all in baby teeth but 4 of them are really bad and are in molars that won't come out for a long time. I know that they hurt him:( And, as you all know, dental work without insurance is kinda pricey. BoyOne was scared to death. I held one of his hands and Three held his other hand. In the end, we were told that his teeth were great. Good news. BoyTwo was not at all nervous. He really is quite the character. Always making us laugh.

After we were finished at the dentist, we headed back to huz's parents house. They live in between our house and where we needed to be for the night so they let us come crash at their house for our Facilitator appointment. This helped us a ton. We couldn't have driven back and forth three times-it would've been way too crazy.

Facilitator ended up coming to the appointment a little after 3. This was just fine. She is a native Ukrainian and speaks fluent English. It was wonderful to meet with her and find out a few details about the boys. We already had found out most of the information she gave us but it was nice to be able to confirm it. She visited with each of the boys, asked how they were enjoying their trip. She works a lot with orphaned children and knows what questions to ask and the kids seemed to be comfortable with her. We did find out that as of Friday the boys had not been cleared for international adoption. They are legally orphans but the government must have paperwork submitted for a period of one year after filing them as legal orphans and prior to legalizing them for adoption. We are hoping to find out in the next couple of days if they have been cleared and if not, when their year mark is.

After Facilitator left we hustled to get into our Halloween costumes to go to the SAC party. We got there late, as our appointment with Facilitator had been pushed back so far. Upon arrival BoyOne decided that he no longer liked his costume. He saw that most of his friends were wearing only a mask or a mask with a trench coat. BoyOne is VERY self-conscious and insecure so when he saw this he immediately wanted to go home. He told one translator that we had made him buy the costume he was wearing but that he didn't like it. That made me mad. I called him on it and that made him mad. As soon as it was time to leave BoyOne was finally starting to have a good time. This seems to be the trend with him. BoyTwo, fortunately, is more easy going in these social situations (I'm sure age has a lot to do with it) and had a great evening, as did our girls.

We grabbed some food on our way home and by the time we arrived home everyone was ready for bed! All in all I would say that it was a mostly successful night. On the down side, I am getting sick. I've been fighting it since Monday and each day I feel it getting a little bit worse. Nothing too terrible, bad head cold. Hopefully it doesn't go to my chest...

a little bird

Well, on Thursday the kids had a Halloween costume parade at school this morning. It was fun to go watch. It reminded me of my childhood. The boys were in awe as they watched all the kids in their costumes. They both decided they wanted to be pirates. We had one pirate costume that BoyTwo was going to use. We just needed one for BoyOne. I sent huz and BoyOne on a little shopping trip together that night. They had a lovely time. BoyOne was way excited to show me his costume when they got home. I have a great picture of him in it.

Thursday afternoon BoyOne went on a L O N G bike ride with my neighbor. I won't advertise where exactly they biked to, but take my word for it: it was far. He was in heaven. I know that when he had a family he was fortunate enough to have learned to do many things somewhere along the line, bike riding being one of them. He has told me that the orphanage does not have any bikes that he can ride. He misses doing that. Sad. So many things we take for granted.

BoyTwo is hilarious. He is always being a goofball, making us laugh, doing these funny little dances. Today he did something, I don't even remember what, and I told him no and he flipped me off. Apparently that is a universal sign that is learned and acceptable at a very young age in Ukraine orphanages! I spoke to another host parent the other day and asked how things were going. He said they were well but added that one of his Ukrainian visitors had flipped him off too. It was kind of funny. Surprising/funny. Anyhow, I had to have a little time out with him. Later on he flipped huz off too! And then on Sunday, he flipped off my brother in law. I remember when Two went through a phase where she was flipping people off. She had picked it up from somewhere at age 3 (yikes!!). Luckily, it didn't take long to break her of that habit.

We are still having fun, still enjoying this experience. It feels like they've been here for much longer than 5 days. I don't want to get to the halfway mark though because I know that time will go fast and they'll have to go home before I know it.

it's gone

Somehow, my contact case magically disappeared a couple of days ago. I have been keeping them in little medicine cups hidden behind a clock and lotions on my bathroom counter until I can get to the store and grab another. And this morning when I got up and went to put in my contacts, they were gone. BoyTwo had helped himself to a little drink.

Don't worry, I'm not going to look through his poop for them.

Good Times

Wednesday was a lovely day. My kiddos have early out on Wednesdays which, when we moved here I thought I would hate. I've ended up loving it. Who even knows why. Anyhow, SAC hosted a group bowling event. I was lucky enough to be able to attend this event with just the boys. It was great to be able to just worry about them and not be chasing everyone around. My awesome neighbor watched Three when she got out of school (seems like she's always watching my kids) and my awesome mother-in-law took Four.

On the way to bowling EVERY time we passed anything that remotely resembled Halloween they would shout out

"HALLOWEEN!! HALLOWEEN!!"

I think they're excited...

We were able to get to the bowling alley a little early which allowed the boys to eat some lunch before going in. Their choice? "Big Mahc and Coca-Cola." haha. We were the first ones in so bowling hadn't started yet. I got some tokens for them and the played some video race car game that they loved. These two love anything that appears to be car racing related. In fact, when we drive anywhere and I pass someone they cheer and say, "bye-bye" to the car we pass. If I get passed they say, "mommy!!" in this very disappointing tone.

When bowling started we went to the counter to get shoes and a lane. BoyOne and a couple of his friends wanted to bowl together. I showed them how to hold the ball and how to roll it down the lane. Anyone who has been bowling with me is probably laughing right now. Me? Teaching someone to bowl? It's like the blind leading the blind. I have yet to break 100. But my instruction worked out just fine and the boys had a fabulous time. Early on BoyTwo had a strike which set his expectations high for the rest of the day. Unfortunately he was disappointed with the rest of his game. Still, good times were had by all. It was great to see the way BoyOne and his friends all helped BoyTwo.

After a little talking to about how we need to feed the kids hot broth at least once a day so they will grow and a reminder to please keep an eye on them it was time for us to leave. Some of the other parents were buying their kids the crap they sell at bowling allies. Some of the kids had won tickets by playing video games. BoyOne wanted to buy the same crap. I told him no. He, of course, was not happy. I told him we were going to go rock climbing. He told me he didn't want to. Whatever. This morning he was way excited about it. He is reminding me of One. I'm not sure if it's the age/emotional stability or the way they come but they are a lot alike. We left anyway.

Once home we packed everyone back into the car and headed to the nicest climbing gym I have EVER been to. It's the Front in Ogden. It happened to be the day of an after school program. My lucky day. Well, let me tell you. BoyTwo did NOT understand the concept of taking turns, so after every turn I had to physically restrain him until it was his next turn. With six kids, two speaking a foreign language, we attracted quite a lot of attention. Fortunately we were fairly well received. And, thank heavens, I was extremely calm and patient. phew. Finally Huz showed up to rescue me with an assist. Now that there were two of us we could move away from the bouldering and actually harness ourselves and the kids and do some real climbing! They all had a great time. AND the area that we were in we had pretty much to ourselves, lucky for us and everyone else:) We took some great pictures that I'm not allowed to share and some video.

And the perfect ending to the perfect day? Everyone went straight to bed. Ahhh.