What Do You Do...

...when your seven year old is really a two year old in all senses except for his actual birthdate???

What happens when he missed out on some key developmental parts of his babyhood and toddlerhood?

What if he was taken care of by his older brother, who by the way did a fabulous job, but that resulted in him picking up on and participating in behaviors far above his appropriate age level?

What am I supposed to do when he thinks he is seventeen, all other indicators say that he is two, and he is really seven???

When we hosted, it was evident that BoyTwo was far younger than his six years. During the three weeks we had them, Huz and I estimated him to be about three years old, same as Four. Only a year later he is seven and we are finding out that he is really only two.

As Four would say, "What the...?!"

After the hosting time, I took it upon myself to find out what I could about this weird age phenomenon and discovered it to be quite common in children who have for some reason or another suffered trauma that prevented them from going through their 'normal' stages of life. The 'answer' to helping kids overcome this is to let them experience the stages they have missed.

For different people that means different things. I know some people who have regressed their child back to an infantile stage where they bottle feed their child, feed them baby food, sleep them in a crib, allow them to be diapered, and transport them everywhere (as you would an infant). Other people have not gone back quite that far or extreme and keep their child's world very small. They are the only caretakers. Period. I would say this is the toddler stage. They do everything for their child. Everything. Even things the child is able to do himself or herself. Others yet allow their child to regress to childlike behaviors below their given age, accept it and encourage the child to explore a stage that they are revisiting, until the child naturally moves on to the next stage.

Crazy as it sounds, many people attest to this method of recreating a child's missed stages of growth. Don't judge anyone for doing this until you've been there yourself. And not just as a sideline witness:)

In September, upon arriving home, BoyTwo seemed to settle in to the anticipated behaviors of testing limits, fearing loss, demanding serious attention, and all the others that I felt I was mentally prepared for. Then he threw me a loop on about the third or so day when he was unable to dress himself. The most bizarre thing about this for me is that he dressed himself just fine the year previous during hosting. I highly doubt that an orphanage full of children has people that dress the children for themselves. I had spent two full weeks with him in Ukraine where he dressed himself just fine.

What in the crap was going on????

Fast forward to now. He is seven going on two. He has integrated into school quite well, despite his occasional incidents. Which, by the way, seem more to be age appropriate inappropriateness. How's that for confusing?? His poor behavior is what you would expect from a child his age, is what I mean. At home, where we initially felt like we had the most progress, he is quickly spiraling down to a younger age.

This is tricky for me. I'm going to be totally honest here. I don't really like babies. I can do the baby thing just fine and I'm actually really good with babies and kids. I just don't really like it. So the first problem is me. I don't like having to have a baby/toddler again. Especially one who is the size of a seven year old (okay, okay, maybe the size of a five or six year old. he's small) and as destructive as five seven year olds!! The other problem is that the method we have used up to now of allowing him to 'naturally' revisit missed stages seems to have worked initially, but now I'm not sure what is going on.

He went from seven to four to two and is still two. As I type this, I'm beginning to see more clearly. That's the beauty of writing things down, or talking something over with a friend. You can work your way through something. Sometimes. I guess I should feel happy that he feels safe and secure enough to revisit his early childhood in order to progress. I guess I should be glad that he's going through this right now instead of when he is fifteen or something. I guess I should feel blessed that I get to have him as a two year old since I missed those early years of his life.

But I don't.

I feel frustrated that a child who was once able to dress himself now requires the attention of a ten month old. I am bugged that I have to treat him like a two year old all the time, especially when sometimes he still thinks he is seventeen. Most of all I am disappointed with myself for feeling these things, although I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I just wish that I was more prepared for a toddler. I am also having self conflict as to how to find a balance in having a seven year old that thinks he is seventeen, who at one time did things that an inappropriate seventeen year old might do, who is two in nearly every aspect of his life.

The families who have gone to the extremes in regressing their child's age, from what I can tell, have done this primarily to help the child. I would like to put BoyTwo in a crib in my room for selfish reasons! It would be far easier for me to treat him completely as though he is two, rather than to have him be two, then seven, then two, then four, then two, then ten, then two, then one and so on. All in the course of an hour.

GAH!!

Don't worry. I'm not freaking out. Nor am I feeling at my wits end. I have been praying about this and mulling things over in my mind (constantly:)). I think part of what needs to happen is for me to readjust my expectations for life right now. I've already done this a couple of times since bringing the boys home and I'd be lying if I said it would be easy.

One thing I didn't bargain for is the sadness I feel that BoyTwo is so much younger. As I said before, I was ready for a three or four year old. Although there is only a year or two difference in those expectations versus where he is now, that is a world of difference in cognitive ability among other things. Part of me wonders if he will ever be age appropriate. Part of me grieves that he cannot participate in things that other kids his age do. The rest of me is gearing up to handle this better. To be a better 'therapeutic parent' as parents who have children with trauma are called.

In the mean time, pass the chocolate.

They Said...

BoyOne refers to everything and everyone as one of two things. A good job or a no good job. If he is really impressed, he will say big good job or no big good job. It is so. cute!!

BoyOne: "Mom! This is a big good job!" about Thanksgiving dinner.

BoyOne: "BoyOne no big good job." after school when he got in trouble.

BoyTwo: "Oh my goodness!" while watching the movie Super 8 that Huz assured me was okay for kids to see. NOT!! At least not our kids:) They were all scared (the girls) and scary (this is how the boys say scared). We were all crowded on our couches together holding hands and sitting on laps. It ended up okay... As in the movie was fine, the cuddling on the couch was great and nobody that didn't belong in our bed ended up there!!

BoyTwo: "Mom! Let's go!!!!" when he sees a deer out the window. We have deer in our yard every. single. day. Often multiple times a day. This phrase is used a lot!

One: "spacoinoinochee" a text that I received from her the other night from her friend's phone. (yes, her 11 year old friend has a cell phone!!!)

Four: "I want to sit by BoyOne!!" in the car, all the time. She has him tied around her little finger.

Our new favorite family phrase is, you guessed it,

"Big good job!"

BoyOne also says "It's okay," a lot. Only it sounds kind of like this, "isss ookee." That is his friends' favorite phrase.

BoyOne has decided to be baptized this coming Saturday, December 3, at 1:00 p.m. He enjoys reading the scriptures and praying. It is a beautiful thing to see him developing a relationship with Heavenly Father and with his Savior, Jesus Christ. It is a blessing to be able to teach these boys about prophets and scriptures and prayer and the atonement. It makes me more aware of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in my own personal life as I take the time to talk about Them to the kids and look for teaching opportunities.We are so excited for BoyOne to have this opportunity and are continually amazed at the blessings these boys bring into our family. We invite those of you who would like to join us for his baptism to do so. We would be honored to have you there. Call or email me and I'll give you addresses and directions.

bullet points

* BoyTwo spent the past four days in the principal's office. eye roll, sigh, upward glance to heaven...

*BoyOne only had two incidences at school. Really, he does quite well most of the time. It does seem that both boys have bad days on the same days. Although I try to track them so that I can figure out what triggers their 'bad day' I have yet to figure it out. Maybe they plan it??

*Four asked me the other day to please pick her nose for her. Apparently she had some 'glass' poking her (very dry boogers??)

*We were still sick at our house last week. I thought we were through with it all, false alarm. Friday, I tried to send them all to school again, but by 2 I had been called to pick up three different kids. Being the smart mom that I am, I checked out the fourth kid when I picked up the third sick one so that I didn't have to make a fourth trip to the school for the day.

*BoyTwo and Four have been caught picking their noses and eating it. Ugh. Makes me want to barf. BoyTwo has also taken to wiping his boogers on the walls (which I guess is at least more age appropriate than the forty year old man that used to rent our home who wiped his boogers on the walls). Gross!! Upon discussing this with both children separately, they both told me how much they love to eat their boogers. Gross! Stop it!!!

*We are dealing with some chauvinistic behavior with the boys lately. Much more with the younger one than the older one. BoyOne has good logic, as the orphanage director told us, and that really comes in handy. He 'gets' things much more quickly than his brother. He's also older and has had a family before. Anyhow, it's super annoying more than anything. Fortunately Huz is a rock star and is the best example for them. BoyOne now willingly does what some might consider to be 'girl' jobs. That's huge.

*BoyTwo is going through the automatic no stage. Maybe it could also be called the two year old stage. Here is an example of a conversation we just had with him yesterday.

me: "BoyTwo, do you want Santa Claus to come bring you a present?"

now lest you think that language may still be a barrier, it is, sometimes. The above question was 100% understood.

BoyTwo: "NO!"

two seconds later

BoyTwo: "Mami? Santa Claus bring BoyTwo a present?"

*Thanksgiving was great!! I got to host and it was so much fun and I'm not even being sarcastic. I love to cook! It was so great to have Huz's family here and the weather was good and the dogs all got along and my sister even came up! The company was fabulous, even though the 28 pound turkey took TEN HOURS to cook, instead of the suggested 7. Way to throw me off schedule, bird.

*While we waited for people to arrive for dinner yesterday, I had time to cut BoyOne, Four and Three's hair. Check.

*Funny thing my youngest nephew said yesterday after having played and watched much ping pong, "I bet the best person at ping pong is Jesus Christ. Or maybe Santa." hahaha

*Today we took the family skiing. We live right by a ski resort. Three of them actually. Last year we had passes and it was really fun, so this year, we did it again. We buy our passes during the summer and it saves us 50%. Sweeeeeeet. The boys have never been skiing before. BoyOne opted to snowboard this year, as did One. Two and BoyTwo wanted to, but we told them no. Two is really good at skiing and we wanted her to have another year to practice jumps and just hone in on those skills. Next year we'll let her try. BoyTwo? Well, his large motor skills are largely lacking and his balance is awful, so the idea of trying to help him on a snowboard just didn't appeal to either of us, so he gets to ski. Good choice. Only one run is open at the resort. Huz took BoyOne and One over earlier so that they could get started. Back at home, we had to wait for BoyTwo to find his gloves that he left outside last night, have a time out for throwing things, put his snow clothes back on. (He took them off because he didn't want to wear them.) When we finally got there, we discovered BoyTwo had left his gloves at home. Sooooo, Huz went back home, with BoyTwo, to get them. I took the three youngest girls to get started. It only took Two a minute to remember how to be crazy fast and then she was off. Three and Four clung to me as though they had no feeling in their legs. At the bottom of the hill, they closed the chair lift due to strong winds. Bummer. Yes, that's right, I did not make it down one single run. But, we forged on, carrying our skiis about a third of the way up the run. At the top of the hill Three and Four decided they had to use the bathroom, which involved going down stairs in ski boots, taking off all layers of clothing in order to use the bathroom, putting everything back on and going back up the stairs. We went back outside and found Huz, BoyTwo, and our cousin and BoyOne, One and Two. Huz took the two little girls, I took BoyTwo and the bigs were all off. Three 'remembered' how to ski about 1/4 the way down the hill, which was a beautiful thing. The lift never reopened and by 3:15 the resort had announced it was closing due to the wind. Four slowly remembered how to ski, One was able to come down the hill with only one smallish crash, Two and Three were awesome, BoyOne was going off small jumps AND landing them, if you can believe that!! BoyTwo did about as good as an ostrich on skiis. We can't wait for more snow to fall and the wind to go away!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

p.s. about two weeks ago, Four gave me a picture she had drawn. It was of me and Huz on our wedding day. There were fire works and I was pregnant (?!). Just now she said to me, "Mom, this is so embarrassing! Can you get that picture down for me? I forgot to draw my arms!" It was really funny. promise.

That's What I Get

This morning I woke up to an email from the Junior High informing me that my 'child is getting a failing grade in the following class'.

Guess that's what I get for bragging...

p.s. does this mean I really can't pass 8th grade?!

Here's What's Happening

Hello!! So, this year it seems that the deer are down lower than they usually are for this time of year. We have them all over our yard and neighborhoods. They are always in the roads. This usually doesn't happen until January when they are being forced down here to find food. We always have deer, but not like this. Anyhow, anytime people come up to visit my last words to them are to watch out for deer. Wouldn't you know, Friday night on his way home, Huz and One hit a deer. Or actually, the deer hit them. It was really weird. The person driving behind Huz stopped to see if they were okay and he said it looked like the deer had tried to jump over the car. We're not sure what part of his body caught the driver's side mirror, but it is shattered and the whole piece will have to be replaced. There was also a bunch of deer hair caught in the window. Nothing else happened to the car though, and both Huz and One were okay. The other driver said that the deer landed on the ground and jumped right up and ran off. Wild.

During our blessing over dinner, Four prayed that Huz and One would be protected and safe while they drove home. Half an hour later, I received the call from Huz saying that they had just hit the deer, but that they and the deer were okay. It was a really cool experience to be able to pull the kids who were home together and explain to them what had happened and point out the very obvious result and blessing of prayer. Now, every time Huz comes home from work, BoyTwo runs out to him and asks if he hit a deer.

The boys' English is coming along fabulously. I had heard from other moms that after a couple months the language will just really take off and boy, they weren't kidding! BoyOne is better at conversational English. BoyTwo is learning the names of more things. I actually think that is probably how it was in Ukraine, though. BoyOne is the one who did most of the talking and had a life prior to the internat that he remembers. BoyTwo has had little opportunity to have conversations with others, at least decent conversations.

The boys are doing remarkably well. There are definitely still rough days, but they are much fewer and far between (like only two or three times a week instead of two or three times a day). I would say the most difficult thing right now for BoyOne is academics. Tonight we worked on a paper that he was supposed to write for English on the Freedom of Speech. The rest of the class was supposed to write 400 words. He wrote 62. And sixty of those had to be prompted:)

'I, myself, am from Ukraine and speak Russian. In Ukraine a lot of people had gathered and they protested the president's law. I think that it's not too bad when people can protest or speak about the president. People may be scared because they can be evicted from their homes. Can they create a new rule that will not hurt the people?'

The last couple days we were in Kyiv, there was a protest going on about the imprisonment of the former Prime Minister, so that's what he's kind of talking about. We were able to see people lined up in tents for protests and police hauling people away.

The most difficult part of BoyTwo's life has been 'socializing' him. He is definitely much younger than I had imagined. When we hosted him, I got a good taste of his personality, but I thought he was more like a three or four year old. (He is 7) Turns out he is really more like a one and a half or two year old in most things and I'm not going to lie. That has been a challenge. There have been times, many, where I have considered pulling him out of school and putting him into preschool. But then I realize that he would be kicked out of preschool. And really, he is doing quite well in school. His behavior has come so far. And he loves school. We have been holding private recesses for him where he and two or three other children from his class go out to 'recess' with his ELL aide to practice. So far, he has learned to play frisbee and helicopter with the jumprope and tag. My initial thought when the teacher told me helicopter was 'seriously?! You gave him something he could use as a weapon?!' But he does really well. As long as he's the one 'piloting' the 'helicopter.' haha. During lunch, I attend with him and we practice what he has learned during his practice recesses. That is when we practice sharing and taking turns. Picture trying to teach your two year old how to share or take turns. At that age they are still engaged in parallel play and if they could speak, they would ask you what the crap you are making them do. Well, he isn't two and he can speak and he is mostly interested in parallel play. We did have a break through last week though! He had been practicing playing tag for about a week. During lunch, he ran clear far away from the kids and I had to guide him back to where they were playing (he hadn't noticed he was playing alone). Times like that I sometimes just let him be on his own, but this time I herded him back to the little group. I'm glad that I did. As I watched him run in circles with them, tagging each other, I could see his big brown eyes all lit up with happiness! The smile on his face was priceless. He was having fun!!!! Seriously, a miracle had taken place. The light bulb went on. At least for tag.

I love hearing the boys pray. BoyOne prays in Russian. He speaks so fast that I can only catch about a fourth of what he is saying, but it's all good. BoyTwo prays on his own in English and it is darling. BoyOne is loving reading the scriptures and I am so glad! A few nights ago, he had homework to do, but asked if he could read the scriptures instead. I told him yes. That night he fell asleep reading the words of God. How cool is that?! I love to hear him retell the stories that he has read. I love that he is enjoying them and pray that he will continue to recognize the truth that he reads, that he will begin/continue to learn from the stories that he is enjoying. We have been able to have many conversations about Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father and I love how interested in them he is. BoyOne has expressed a desire to be baptized!! He has been asking every day for over a week now, so we want to respect his desire but not jump the gun... This is something that we want to be sure that he understands and is ready for so we will spend some more time talking and studying before we do this, but I think it will happen sometime in the next few weeks. Imagine that. A child who only two months ago told us he doubted there was a God and had no desire to learn of Him or worship. No wonder there was such adversity in getting him here.

And now, for a bragging moment:

BoyOne made the honor roll this past term. That's right folks! He got a 3.5 GPA and his picture in our local paper. Go figure!

(I'm so glad to know that I could still pass the 8th grade... j/k:))

Awesome

I've been a little under the weather... along with most of the rest of my house. Well, what do you do. Pull out the clorox wipes and stay in bed all day watching t.v./sleeping. I'm just so so so grateful that my kids are old enough that when I'm sick too, we can all just hunker down together. It's a beautiful thing.

The other morning, the day started off well. Really well. It wasn't as freezing as it has been, all the kids were off to school and it was just Four and me, playing Chutes and Ladders. I was looking forward to a lovely morning of playing with my littlest. I didn't need to be at the school until lunch time (a small miracle). I wasn't feeling well, but wasn't feeling horrible either.

When you play a game with Four, you really just sit there and keep her company. She likes to spin for you, move your guy for you, cheer for you, etc. As I lay on the floor next to her, watching her play 'our' game, I happened to look out the window to our back deck. I could see our dog, Lady, standing up. All I could really see of her was her back, but that was enough. The hairs on her back were standing up and she was not moving.

Lady doesn't get like this often, I mean goodness, we have all sorts of wild animals roaming through our yard all the time. We joke, sort of, that if someone were to break in, she'd make a new best friend. I sat up to see what she was staring at. I could hardly believe my eyeballs. There, in my backyard, grazing on my mostly dormant grass, was a cow. And not the female moose kind which we've had before. A farm cow.

SHTO?????

(That's Russian for what?!)

And if that wasn't weird enough, he proceeded to get stuck on our swing set. No kidding. He tried to walk through the swings and kind of harnessed himself on one.

I wasn't sure what to do. Did this warrant a 911 call? Not really, but kind of. I mean, there's a cow in my backyard on my swing set!!!! Right now I'm sure you are thinking that I live in the middle of nowhere and how weird is it really that I have a cow in my backyard. Just to set the record straight, it's really weird.

Anyhow, I bypass 911 and instead call my neighbors who have lived up here for a very long time. They're the next best thing to 911.

me: "Shawn, this is Stephanie. How ya doin'?"

him: "Good. How are you?"

me: "Good. Except there's a cow in my backyard and I'm not really sure what to do about it."

him: silence for a few seconds. "A cow?"

me: "yes. Like a farm cow, not a moose cow."

him: "Wow. Is he just walking around?"

me: "Actually, he's stuck on my swing set."

Probably one of the more weird calls he's had in a while...

Shawn knew of a couple farmers that would run their cows sort of around here in the past. He called one of them for me, but it wasn't this farmer's cow. He suggested we call another man because, get this, 'from the number on the tag, I'd say it belongs to _______, and he's been missing a cow for awhile."

And that's when you know you live in a small town. When the local farmers know each other's animals by the number on their tag and when somebody's been 'missing a cow for awhile,' like it's a sock or something.

Anyhow, the cow eventually got off the swing, managed to not break the swing, I called the local sheriff who came out but couldn't do anything about the cow because by now the cow was on someone else's private property and that someone was not home so the sheriff couldn't go on his property (good thing this wasn't life or death). I called the second farmer who wasn't home but I left him a voice mail, and the cow eventually wandered off, but not until after he used my neighbor's front yard for his business.

I should/could end there, but the day just continued in awesomeness, heavy on the awe. I ended up getting called into both schools for various 'situations,' then two other kids called to come home sick. On the way to dance (it was my day to drive carpool), I forgot to pack a snack for the kids-don't ask, just accept that this is what we do, so I stopped at the grocery store in town and ran in to grab some granola bars. When I got back to the parking lot, the kids had locked the door to the suburban and wouldn't let me in.

And then I realized that I was at the wrong suburban. Oops. Seriously, though, my car is the same light tan color of just about every other suburban or tahoe around. Anyone could've made that mistake. maybe...

That night I made German pancakes for dinner. I was thinking: quick. easy. my kids all love pancakes and this way I don't have to make them individually, which was a HUGE bonus as I was now officially sick. Well, turns out the little preciouses only like the ROUND kind. Sheesh.

And then, to top it all off, that night Huz says I should've lassoed the cow and kept it. I know he was mostly kidding, but it made think I should have at least tried. Sure was a pretty cow...