What's Really Going On

Several months ago, BoyTwo was officially diagnosed with FAS.  Although I already knew that this was most likely what he was dealing with, I felt like I had been slapped in the face when I was told.  I was surprised at how sad I felt for him.  I know that he will continue to progress, at his own rate, I know that people with FAS can be successful, I know all of that.  I'm also aware of a lot of the statistics associated with FAS and those remain my concerns.  I'm scared for him.  It's tricky, you see.  BoyTwo is likely going to need assistance forever.  This may be in the form of someone helping him budget, grocery shopping with or for him, someone living with him.  He's going to need somebody to be his exterior brain.  This person will largely be responsible for helping him with his executive functioning (or lack there of).  He will need to be able to trust someone enough to rely on them.  Which gives us our next hurdle: teaching someone with attachment difficulties to trust.  The irony of it all.  It's just one giant circle of FAS causing other difficulties in his life. 

I was mad at his bio mom for a minute.  And then I just felt sad for her, too.  

This school year is going well for him.  He is in special ed/resource/whatever the current politically correct terminology for that class is at the moment for half of his day.  During the other half, he has pull outs for reading and his own personal aide comes in with him to do his work.  His behavior has come a long way.  His teacher has been great to work with and works so well with him.  I did my usual 'BoyTwo Training' for all those who would be working with him at the beginning of the year and that seems to have really helped.  

It's hard to watch the already large gap between him and his peers continue to widen.  I see little spurts of growth from time to time where something will click and that gives us all hope:)  My heart hurts for him because his peers are also getting old enough to see how different he is and while they are still very kind to him and extremely tolerant of his behaviors, this year there is a much different feeling between them all.  He doesn't really notice that he doesn't have any friends or that he is so different than others and I guess I'm grateful for that.  He does have one little friend.  Our neighbor who is four years his junior.  

I continue to spend much of my time at the school.  I started an art program and that has been really fun for me to do.  I  do a lesson for half the school one week and the other half of the school gets it the next week. We are learning about master artists, composers and authors.  I love introducing the students to these fascinating people, many of whom struggled with identity, learning disabilities and misfortune of their own.  I love the life lesson it provides to persevere, have faith in one's self, and to not be afraid to try.  I also come up with an art project to go along with each lesson and that has been... a huge learning curve.  I'm not at all artistic and as a child I hated art during school.  It caused me enormous stress to not be able to perfectly recreate the assigned project and to not be able to make my hands produce what my mind was envisioning.  One of my first lessons this year was about Picasso who has said that you cannot create a masterpiece without first making a mistake (or something along those lines.  I don't want to look up the actual quote).  I encourage the kids to not erase, but to make each seeming mistake into a work of art, to add interest to the piece and beauty and originality.  See how it's so much like real life?  

This semester I have homeschooled One part-time.  She comes home every day after lunch.  I have loved this time with her while she still likes me and thinks I know something:)  I love that we can personalize her curriculum and have one on one time together that we otherwise would not have.

Four has taken to reading like a whiz and this mama is so so so grateful.  After having four of my other kids with reading/learning disabilities, it is a blessing to see her take joy in reading and learning and to not struggle with it.  I love when she comes to me with a book in her hand and asks me to listen to her read.  It is the highlight of my day!

BoyOne is a sophomore in high school this year.  In our state this means it is also his first year at high school.  (Don't ask, I have no idea.  I didn't grow up here and I think it is so weird.  You're a freshman in high school but you don't actually go to high school.  Makes a ton of sense.)  Without getting to personal, it's not really working out for him for a lot of reasons.  As his parents, we are needing to adjust what our goals for his education are.  What was once a priority is not a realistic option without sacrificing an actual education.  We are in the process of making decisions that will be agreeable to both him and us.  I feel the added pressure of lack of time with him.  He turned 16 in September.  Shortly after his birthday he approached me and asked me where I thought he would be if he was still in Ukraine.  Then he told me about how different his life would have been had he remained.  It was good for me to hear because I've been feeling like the progress here has not been quite what I had hoped for and that perhaps we had failed him.    

Two and Three are doing well.  School is a challenge for them both and that weighs heavily on my mind constantly.  They work so hard at everything they do.  As I often tell them, they will be blessed by learning to work hard.

I am so grateful that I am their mother and that I get to be the one to journey through this life with them.  I'm immensely grateful that I have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom ( although whoever thought to call it that was smoking crack because what stay at home mom is actually ever home?!).  This gives me the opportunity to be ever present and available to them when they need help.  One of my biggest concerns this past year or so has been the lack of time I have with my kids before they leave my home.  I have tried to spend more time talking with them about eternal things, incorporating more heaven into our house than ever before.  I'm not magically more patient, we aren't magically getting along at all times and my kids haven't magically turned into scriptorians, but at the end of the day there is a feeling of love and peace that abides in our home.  Right now that is my number one goal.

Games

BoyTwo is king of games.  I get tired of his games.  I honestly can't figure out how HE isn't tired of his games.  I mean, they are truly exhausting for him.  He sleeps more than any kid I know (8 yr old, 12-14 hrs a day.  That's a ton.) and he needs it!  

Last night he refused to eat dinner.  We were having a family dinner at my sister's house. When dinner was ready I called the kids to come sit down and told them it was time to eat.  We all sat down and were eating and I noticed he hadn't even lifted his fork.  He was just sitting at his chair, sullen.  I said, 'BoyTwo, let's eat!'  As the rest of the family ate, he sat in his chair, refusing to touch his food.  He had this really hateful look on his face and was glaring at me.  His brother began to get upset with him and was grilling him,

'Are you hungry?'

him, 'Yes.'

'Is food gross?'

him, 'No, I like.'

'Are you sick?'

him, 'No, I feel good.'

'Are you full of food?'

him, 'No, I'm hungry.'

'Then EAT!!!!!'

I finally had to tell BoyOne to leave the table (he was done eating but wouldn't leave his brother's side) because BoyTwo was clearly enjoying having this power over his brother and it was driving BoyOne nuts.  After everyone finished eating and was eating dessert, he called into me (there were two tables set up and he was by himself in the other room at this point) that he had finished his food and wanted dessert now.  I went in to him and asked why he wouldn't eat his food earlier.  

'Because you tell me it is time to eat.'

me, incredulously, 'So, you wouldn't eat your food because I told you it was time to eat?!'

'yes.'

and then he laughed.

So he sat there the rest of the evening, no dessert.  This is what I'm talking about.  I had no idea he was playing a game.  Seriously.  Who doesn't eat when they're hungry, when the food is good, and you feel fine, just because someone says to you AND everyone else that it is time to eat?!?!  

That was a new game.  Sort of.  He likes to do the opposite of whatever I say, just because.  I think it's a control issue, but who knows.  Whatever the reason, it's absolutely ridiculous.  Had I known this was his focus of not eating last night, I would have simply removed his food.  Hindsight.  Lovely.

This morning the battle continued.  The battle that only he is fighting, that only he is aware of, that only he cares to fight.  It was time to eat breakfast and he still hadn't dressed.  This is one of his new (like 3 weeks) games.  He either truly cannot remember that every morning, school or no school, he is to get dressed, or he's being obstinate.  I can't decide.

He's comes downstairs in his pajamas.  I send him back up.  He comes down with his church socks on. That he pulled out of the hamper from yesterday.  I send him back up.  He comes down with his correct socks, wrong shoes.  I send him back up.  He comes down with his correct socks and his correct shoes. But he 'can't remember' how to put them on.  He's not just sitting there playing dumb.  He will actually sit there and fumble around like he's trying, but make no progress.  It's so odd.  Sometimes I call his bluff, depending on how many other people are being affected by his tactics.  Today we were all going to be late so I put his socks on his feet and his shoes and tied them for him, after watching him sit there for several minutes.  Then he started crying because I did it for him and he wanted to do it himself.

Next is breakfast.  I made pancakes.  I give him his pancake and put the butter and syrup in front of him and go to put my contacts in.  Five minutes later all the other kids are finished eating and I go into the kitchen and he is still sitting there looking at the same flipping pancake.  He hasn't started buttering it or anything.  As soon as he hears me, he grabs the butter and his knife like he is going to start now.  I tell him that I am so sorry but breakfast is over and it is time to brush his teeth and get in the car.  He is pissed and so am I.  He crawls up the stairs (to brush his teeth).  Five minutes later everyone is in the car except for him.

'BoyTwo we're leaving.'

He slooooowly walks down the stairs.

He forgets his backpack in the hall.  I call him back.  He doesn't get his coat.  I call him back.  He tells me he can't find his coat.  I tell him it's in his room.  He goes up to his room and comes back down without it.  I send him back up.  He calls down to me that he has found it.  I don't do it for him because he likes to have that happen, as a control issue.  Although he is definitely controlling right now, but I'm not caving and doing for him what he wants me to do.  It's so hard to explain.  It's such a joke.  I tell him to put it on and come down to get into the car.  He complies.  He gets into the car and I say to everyone, as we always do, because if I don't say it, he says that he didn't know and that we didn't tell him to,

'Seatbelts on!'

I hear four clicks.  He won't buckle.  I tell him to buckle.  He says he can't.  It's too hard.  He can't remember how.  His little sister buckles him.  

If you're not annoyed by now, then you're a saint.  Or you're lying to yourself in lala land.  Be real.

And that's only the first 45 minutes of the day, folks.  

Baby carseat is going back into the car.  That solves the car issue that has been a problem again for a few weeks.  I actually think he prefers the baby carseat?  I have no idea.  He acts out really badly and we put him in it for safety purposes and he says he hates it.  But then he behaves really well while we use it.  Then he 'earns back' the booster seat and does something else to get put back into the baby seat.  I don't even know if he knows why he does stuff.  

The worst part of all of this?  It could have been prevented if he had been taken care of as an infant, toddler and child and if his bio mom hadn't used alcohol while she was pregnant with him.  His life is this way due to no choice of his own.  That really ticks me off.

Ownership Issues

I've read that this is what you call it when kids with FAS steal things.  I've read that they truly do not understand that just because they see and want something, it doesn't make it theirs.  However, I have yet to find out HOW to deal with this.  I mean, at some point BoyTwo has got to learn to not take things.  I'm pretty sure his future boss won't be so chill about his 'ownership issues'.  Or what about the very same Tar.get that was super chill about his 'ownership issues' at age 8?  Pretty sure they won't be so accommodating when he's 16 or 18 or 20.

This morning:

'BoyTwo do you have any toys with you?'  every day he gets in trouble for taking toys to school and either playing with them inappropriately or at inappropriate times.

'No, mom.'

Unfortunately, I cannot believe him.  I do like to give him the chance.  Perhaps that is wrong, that he cannot make himself be truthful, but it's what I do.  

'Okay, then, let's check your pockets, just to be sure!'  I say this in a chipper voice.  I've been told that I have to forge a relationship of trust with him, although I may never be able to trust him, he needs to be able to trust me so that I can help him, advocate for him, etc.

Three of his pockets have things in them.  Things that do not belong to him that he has taken from people in our home.  Part of me is extra annoyed because one of the things he has taken is candy from my bedroom drawer.  Candy that was hidden underneath things in that bedroom drawer.  As if he doesn't have enough of his own stinking candy from Halloween???  He does.  He still has an entire gallon size ziploc baggie full.  Take your own candy!!!!  Whatever.  

'Wow, I'm glad I checked your pockets!'  which is true but I'm feeling much more sarcastic inside than I portray.  I move on to his backpack.  Generally I do this right when I pick him up from school to be sure he didn't steal anything from school.  I then check before school so that I know he's not taking anything to school that shouldn't go to school.

He has a toy in his backpack that I have never seen before which means he stole it.  Or he didn't understand that he did not own it.  This is incredibly exasperating.  

'BoyTwo, did you take this from someone at school?'

'Yes.'  at least he's honest.

'Did the person give it to you or did you take it?'

'I take it.'

'Who did you take it from?'

'I don't know.'  Which I believe.  He pays no attention to the world around him.  He calls anyone he knows by the same three names, SethWillGreyson, boy or girl.  Additionally, I don't believe he can recall things easily, even if he wants to.

So, off to school with Huz he goes to turn in the item that was stolen to the principal and have a consequence.  

Anybody else have experience with their FAS kids having 'ownership issues'???

The Happiest Place on Earth, part 2

The kids eventually settled with the idea that we were meeting up with Huz in Vegas, which we were, but that was not to be the end of the trip.  But first, I have to back waaaaay up.  

We made it about 45 minutes before I heard, 

'Moooom?  I have to go to the bathroom.'

Four.  She has a bladder the size of a peanut.

I decided that I would stop at a Tar.get store and there we would ALL use the bathroom, I would let each kid choose a snack for the car and we would pick up a small first aid kid to carry with us in the backpack as we walked all over 'the happiest place on earth.'

That evening we stopped in St. George to visit my sister.  I love St. George.  It is so beautiful!  We met my sister at her house and decided we would take the kids to the red rock park she had shown us when I took the girls down last spring.  Right about then, BoyTwo (who was in trouble for climbing on furniture and getting into other people's things) jumped off the couch and did a forward roll over the coffee table.  Out of his pocket rolled a small can of spray deodorant.

'BoyTwo.  Where you get this.  You stole this?'  BoyOne began the interrogation.

BoyTwo denied, so I took over.

'You stole this from Tar.get earlier today.  Now you will not be able to participate in climbing rocks.'

'So you do stole this?!'  BoyOne yells at him.

BoyTwo nods in affirmation.  I've learned that generally you do not ask BoyTwo yes or no questions.  If I tell him not to hit and he hits, you don't say to him, 'Did I tell you not to hit?'  You say, 'What have you been taught' or 'what have we asked you' or 'what are you supposed to do.'  The yes/no thing makes it too easy for him to lie.  It's so weird.  The other way, it's like he isn't usually quick enough to come up with a lie, so he just admits the truth.  Except for when he fakes a seizure.  

'Why you stole this?!' asked BoyOne, a question that I have stopped asking because the answer is always. the. same.  No matter what he does.  If he hits, lies, steals, destroys, cheats, hurts, breaks, etc.  

'Because I want.'  he says with a simple shrug of his shoulders.

GAH!!!!!!!!!  

I was pretty mad.  Livid.  At him and at me.  BoyTwo has not been in a store since he first arrived.  With kids like BoyTwo who cannot control their impulses, learn from experience, or comprehend reason, it is best to simple not allow them the opportunity to make these mistakes/bad decisions.  He cannot stop stealing (aka 'ownership issues'), he does not go to others' homes or stores or stay for lunch at school (yes, he actually takes food off other kids' plates as fast as he can and shoves it into his mouth).  He's had a difficult time with stealing from other kids at school this year, too, which puts me at a crossroads.  Do I keep him in school?  Do I pull him out completely?  He loves school.  School loves him.  He wants to be there.  He does only go part time.  He's got to learn to live in society.  I can't keep him at home until he's 40.  Anyhow, that's another post...

Why did I take him into the store?!  How in the freak had I missed this?!  What was I thinking?!  Why didn't I see this happen?!

These situations are so difficult.  I never really know what to do.  You read article after article after book after book about kids and attachment, kids and trauma, kids and FAS, kids and whatever else anyone in the adoption/psychology world recommends and the only stupid thing they say is to be consistent and do redo's.  We've done so many freaking redo's it's ridiculous.  Most of the time we have to redo our redo.  The books/articles also tell you all the terrible statistics that your kid is about to become.  No crap people, I know this!  Tell me what to do when he steals!!!  The best/closest thing I've come across was the advice from another FAS parent who said to remove the opportunity for these types of failures, which I'm already doing, go me.  But seriously.  I have to somehow help him be able to be socially acceptable.  Does he move out and live on his own but never step foot in a store?  Am I supposed to do his grocery shopping for him until I die?!  He steals every. day.  Every day people.  Every day.  Half the time I get judged by other people (and yes, they do feel it necessary to tell me about their judgements) because I am so strict and controlling of BoyTwo and I call him out on his attempts to manipulate.  The other half of the time I am reprimanded for not being a good parent.  Because obviously, because my kid steals/cheats/lies/is violent, it's my fault.  I must not be Karyn Purvis-ing enough.  Good hell, I can't catch a break.  I also have five other kids for which life must continue.  Last year I learned the difficult and damaging lesson of allowing one child to rule the rest of the family and I am determined to not let that happen again.  

We headed to the park, which was great fun.  Such a beautiful place!  Obviously, at this point, BoyTwo was on restriction which meant he couldn't roam around and climb on everything like all the other kids.  BoyOne was mad at BoyTwo for what had happened and chose to restrict himself.  One thing that I have noticed is that if BoyTwo is on restriction for something that a) BoyOne didn't see happen, b) BoyOne is really mad about, or c) feels is unjust, he restricts himself.  This wouldn't be so annoying if he a) wasn't SUCH a moper about it or b) didn't say things like, 'BoyTwo it's okay,'  because let's face it, it's NOT okay!  It totally undermines the restriction for BoyTwo and really gives him a feeling of control over whatever is happening.  We have spoken with BoyOne about this and while it has improved, it is still an issue that we deal with.  Anyhow, so I had to have BoyTwo attached to me by a 12 inch invisible string (ugh) and BoyOne attached himself to his brother by an invisible 24 inch string. Good times.  But really, it was.  The girls had a great time and finally the last five minutes we were there, BoyOne actually smiled:)  We grabbed some take out on the way back to my sister's place.  While at the park I decided that I would try to have BoyTwo return his little treasure to the Tar.get in St. George.  Even though he had taken the deodorant from a different store, I was hopeful that they would be able to take care of this for us here.  I couldn't wait an entire week to have him do this on our way back home when we would be near that first store again.  He can hardly remember what happened five minutes ago, let alone five days ago.

My sister kindly agreed to watch the other kids while BoyTwo and I paid a visit to Tar.get to return said merchandise.  I phoned ahead and spoke with the manager and security guard about what had happened.  In case anyone ever needs to know, you can return stolen merchandise to a different store location.  During the phone call basically, I asked the manager and guard to be very firm with BoyTwo.

Their definition of firm and mine were obviously not the same, so early on in the conversation I was saying behind BoyTwo 'mean.  you have to be mean.  he doesn't care.'

'Hi, buddy.  Did you take something from the store that your mommy wouldn't buy for you?'

I knew we were in trouble.  

'Nope,'  I said, 'he took some deodorant.  He didn't even try to ask me to buy it for him.'

'Why did you take deodorant?'

'I want.  I like take things.'

That one surprised them a little.

'Stealing is a really bad habit.  People that steal sometimes-'

'all the time'  that was me interjecting.

'go to jail.  Jail is not a really good place.  There are bad people there who aren't very nice...'

okay.  He knows all about jail.  His bio dad was there.  A lot.  BoyTwo aspired to go to jail for months after coming home (and probably a significant amount of time prior to coming home).  He's quit talking about it after a bajillion conversations, so hopefully he's done with that fantasy.

'Since this is your first time stealing from our store, it's okay-'

'if we sit here while you call the police and decide if they are taking him to jail now.'

That was me interjecting again.

'Yes, sit here and we'll be right back.'  They caught on.

After about five minutes they came back and told him that his image had been captured on the stores surveillance video (you know the one when you walk into the store) and that the store where he had stolen from had been notified.  They told him not to steal again.

BoyTwo, 'because I next time go to jail.'

'No.  There won't be next time.  You will not steal again,' said the security guard.  Where was that earlier?!  

'ok,' said BoyTwo.

And then we left and went to pick up the kids from my sister's and drive the rest of the way to Vegas.

to be continued.

A Realization

here's a link to a website that has a bunch of articles and info on FAS/FAE/FASD, etc.

http://come-over.to/FASCRC/articles.htm

**warning. loooooooooooong.**

The hardest part of blogging for me is coming up with post titles. Not sure why, just is.

I read a comment about exotropia. Have you ever heard of it? I hadn't! Until I googled it and realized I just didn't know the correct name for it. In response to that comment, it's an interesting thought that we'll have to check out. Three had her vision tested before Kindergarten and checked out all clear. I don't see any physical signs of this, but as there are varying degrees of exotropia, and in some cases it is not constant, I think it is worth checking out! Thanks for the tip!

Next item of business. I am a bit suspicious that BoyTwo has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, FAS, or perhaps Fetal Alcohol Effects, FAE. There are some obvious reasons I suspect this (admitted prenatal drinking) and some other behavioral things I have noticed. It is not listed on any documentation that we have from the orphanage or from the adoption itself. I do not in any way think that the orphanage or the adoption agency we used were trying to pull a fast one on us by not telling us, either. FAS is a legitimate concern for children that are from Eastern European countries. Not all children have FAS just because they are orphans, but at the same time, it is not a rarity to find this disability among the children either.

When we hosted the boys, I was head over heals in love with them both. I had read a TON and talked to a ton of people and stalked a ton of blogs. We were pretty prepared for our time with them then. He was definitely young for his age (unfortunately not as young as I discovered once we were home, surprise!), but I didn't notice anything that concerned me too much. During our first trip to Ukraine, it was SOOOOOOOOO crazy and emotional, I think if BoyTwo had lost a limb I may not have noticed, so I'm certain I didn't see anything that concerned me then, either.

On our two subsequent trips to Ukraine, both of which I was alone during the majority of the time, I began to notice some things about BoyTwo and his behaviors, coupled with reports I was hearing from his teacher and caregivers and director and bio parents that definitely made me start to wonder if FAS was a real possibility for our little boy. I began to casually find out what I could about FAS, I mean Zap was totally exciting, but I had a lot of down time in my blue apartment:) I was trying to educate myself so that I could be in a position to understand what was going on, if anything, and be able to help him. And me.

My translator/facilitator in Kyiv was a women who has spent a lot of time at special needs orphanages, has worked with many special needs kids, has seen a lot of FAS, and has facilitated a lot of adoptions. She also spent a fair amount of time with us in Kyiv. The day before we left Ukraine, I asked her for her honest opinion regarding BoyTwo and FAS. I emphasized that I recognized that this was an opinion, that I knew she wasn't a doctor, that it would not change anything regarding the adoption, etc. I wanted her to feel like she could be honest with me. She told me, "Maybe." And that it was difficult to know and that I would have to watch him to see how he was progressing and have an American doctor help me. She also said that it was possible. I feel like she was being honest and fair with me. There were a lot of things that pointed in that direction and that still do. We have not taken BoyTwo to be professionally evaluated. I hope to do this sometime in the nearish future. I have a friend who has a son she suspected to have FAS/FAE and she took him to be evaluated six months after arriving home and the neuropsychologist was very hesitant to make a formal diagnosis based on the lack of language along with the major transitions that had and were still taking place. This is why we are waiting a little longer.

In the meantime, I read here and there, mostly stuff from websites that pop up when I google FAS, and I occasionally hear something via a blog. What I am finding out it that it is very complex. (duh) Moreso than I thought. There's a great little article titled The Visible Kid with the Invisible Disability that I will link, as soon as I figure out how to, that describes FAS pretty well. Tonight, I'd like to share with you an experience we had yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon, BoyTwo came to me tearfully. He is rarely emotional (unless severe hyperactivity is an emotion) and so I was concerned. His English is so great that he can tell me nearly anything he needs to. He is still learning to converse (think 2 year old not being able to carry on a conversation not for lack of words but lack of ability), but he does pretty well with Huz and BoyOne and me. He told me that his 'eraser' (really a pencil grip) he had won from school had been stolen by BoyOne. I was a bit suspicious because, seriously, how lame is a pencil grip? And how much more lame is it to steal one? So, I asked him to describe to me what happened.

BoyTwo was playing with his pencil grip yesterday morning. All the kids were watching cartoons (a serious rarity at our house, like not even once a month). BoyOne saw the pencil grip and asked to see it. BoyTwo handed it to him. BoyOne put the pencil grip in his mouth and began chewing it. BoyTwo got upset and asked for it back. BoyOne got mad and threatened to beat BoyTwo if he told us about this. BoyOne did not give the pencil grip back.

I was mad. During the hosting and during all of our trips to Ukraine, BoyOne would take things from BoyTwo that he wanted with the threat of physical punishment if he was not obeyed. We saw him follow through with his threats (of course we would stop it). When they came to America, this happened for about the first month, with each incident becoming fewer and farther between. Certainly there is still the sibling bickering that can occur, but nothing I would call bullying or abuse. BoyOne has been a joy. A definite stinker at times, but I often joke that I could take ten of him because he is so 'textbook' for lack of a better word. So, I was mad that he had done this. I was mad and sad that he for whatever reason had reverted back to this behavior. In a house where he is the oldest of six children, it concerned me. He was at a friend's house. I called him and asked him to come home. He came right home.

When he came in (Huz was home yesterday because originally we were to go out of town, but ended up not going, but he had taken the day off and decided to spend it with us anyhow, yay!), Huz and I were both in the kitchen with BoyTwo waiting for him. I went up to him and got in his face like I have seen him do to others (again, this was way in the past) and asked him why he was being mean to BoyTwo, why was he talking to him like this? Where was the 'eraser'?

This is so impressive. (Not me, him) He immediately recognized what I was talking about and that I was trying to show him how he was treating his brother. He said sorry to all of us, keeping calm this whole time, and then told us that BoyTwo was lying.

To make a looooooong post less long, here is the real story:

The kids were watching t.v. BoyTwo had his 'eraser'. BoyOne asked to see it and asked what it was. BoyTwo told him it was gum and that he could eat it. BoyOne put it in his mouth, quickly realizing that it was not gum. This is when he got mad at BoyTwo for lying to him and then laughing at him. BoyTwo told him that he was going to tell mom and dad that BoyOne stole his 'eraser' and was being 'scary' and this is when BoyOne said that he would beat BoyTwo if he told that lie. BoyOne then took the 'eraser' out of his mouth and threw it at BoyTwo who proceeded to flush it down the toilet. Fast forward to five hours later.

BoyTwo could. not. remember. He had absolutely no memory of this. He argued that BoyOne was lying and that he still had it in his mouth. At this point, Huz and I could tell that something was not quite right. There was no way BoyOne was making this jazz up. You know how you can tell when your kids are lying? He wasn't lying. BoyTwo insisted that his brother had the 'eraser' in his mouth! BoyOne even opened his mouth to prove to BoyTwo that he was not eating the 'eraser'. BoyOne then took BoyTwo on a very complete and thorough re-creation of the entire event. Huz and I followed right along. In the last scene, we all went into the bathroom together, BoyOne lifted the toilet lid, acted out throwing the eraser in. BoyOne continued on to flush the toilet and this, THIS moment, was when we saw BoyTwo remember what had really happened. To end the reenactment, BoyOne closed the lid (don't be jealous, he doesn't always do this). BoyTwo turned red and looked very embarrassed.

Then it hit me. This was FAS.

I was reminded of a blog post that I had read from a woman who has a daughter with FAS. This daughter had wrapped Christmas gifts and written 'to mom' 'love, her name' on them. Later that day, she saw the gifts under the tree with her name on them. The mom tried to tell the daughter that she had just wrapped them to give to the mom and even showed her how she had written that on them. In the end, it took this daughter unwrapping the gifts for her to be able to remember what had really happened. And she was embarrassed. Just like BoyTwo.

I apologized to BoyOne for getting in his face and he, very graciously, accepted my apology and even apologized to Huz and BoyTwo and me for getting in BoyTwo's face earlier. He commented that BoyTwo 'no remember every day.' He is right. It makes me wonder how often he is forgetting stuff like this. I know for a fact that he does lie and manipulate and sometimes tries to get others in trouble, but it certainly made me stop and think. It made me really hurt for this little guy. It made me wonder how many times a day he is confused and obstinate and ornery because he cannot remember what is happening or what he is supposed to do. How affected is he? Is this truly FAS/FAE? What does his future hold? Statistically, if it is FAS/FAE, it's not the brightest of futures, here or in Ukraine. That is a lot to think about. I always thought that if we could somehow, someday get the boys to America, we would be able to give them the opportunity to have a better future than had they remained in Ukraine. Simple enough to achieve, I thought. Now I'm not so sure. All because of alcohol. It makes me mad. It makes me mad that this was repeated. And it makes me feel bad that she was/is in such a bad place that she could not make herself stop drinking. :( siiigh.

So, to wrap things up, if you know of any good FAS/FAE resources, I'm open for suggestions. I do realize that it will be most helpful to consult with a professional regarding this matter, but like I said, we have made the decision to wait a few months longer. In the mean time, I'm willing to read, read, read.

A Glimpse of What His Delays Look Like

He thought he was supposed to eat the stick when he was eating a sucker. We were in the car and in my rear view mirror I could see him licking away at it. Bottom of the stick all the way to the top of the sucker. I told him that he didn't need to eat that part, it was just for holding onto. He said, 'oh good, I no like this one (indicating stick).' When we were in Ukraine he would literally eat the whole stick of the suckers I handed out to the kids. I thought he was just being a gross little boy, but now I see that he was THAT hungry and honestly just didn't know.

He holds his hands up and palms outward the majority of the time. Jazz hands. Picture a fifteen month old sitting in his high chair playing with cheerios, or being excited about some toy they are playing with. You know how they always have their hands up? Same thing.

When eating a popsicle, he held onto the popsicle part even as his fingers froze and it dripped down his hands. I waited to see if he would figure it out on his own, but he did not and the mess was getting bigger than I wanted, so I showed him how to hold the stick. The sticky syrup drips down his chin and hands and arms and he is totally unaware of it. To clean off his dirty or sticky hands, he rubs them in his hair. Yum.

He holds silverware in his fist at the bottom of the utensil with his face touching the plate or bowl or whatever is holding the food. This is still such a challenge for him. He still thinks that he is going to starve. Food is always all over the place and all over him. His ears. His hair. His face. His hands. His clothing.

When it is dark outside, it means it is nighttime. At nighttime we go to bed.

When there is snow on the ground we wear shoes and coats. When the stove is on and bright red, we do not touch it. If you play outside in the snow for a really long time without a coat or gloves on and even start to cry because you are so cold, it generally means you should have come in a long time ago.

We can't say 'get your pajamas on' or 'get dressed'. We have to say 'take off your pants. take off your shirt. take off your socks. open your bottom drawer. choose a pair of pajamas (and he has to ask us if they are pajamas every time). put on the new pants that you just took out of your drawer (because if we say put on the pants or put on the pajama bottoms he gets confused sometimes and will put his pants that he had been wearing back on). put on the new shirt.' etc. This is getting better and progressing. It's just taking a really long time. Okay I feel like it's taking a really long time. It's not fair to him that according to my time frame it's taking a long time. Who knows?! Maybe for him he's learning really fast. Does that make sense??

These are things that I didn't realize I would need to teach BoyTwo. Help him with? Yes. Teach from scratch? No. Pretty much thought he would know what temperatures were and time and how they both relate to our beings.

He is very indiscriminate about who he approaches. He hugs random people in the grocery store. He hugs all adults at his school when they say hi to him. Basically, if the person looks nice and happens to glance at him, he tries to hug them. Last week at the basketball game, he was climbing all over and hanging onto the legs of a man he just met. Our friend told us it was okay, meaning to be friendly and nice and accepting of his behaviors. What I wanted to say was that it was not okay. It is not appropriate for an almost eight year old to approach people he does not know and climb on them as if they were bear cubs. Instead I just made him come over to me (which he did, he knows I mean business).

He also likes to tell other people that he wants them to be his new mom or dad. This one doesn't hurt my feelings because I don't really care what he wants, it's not going to change anything. It's like when your two year old tells you that they don't love you because you won't let them have ice cream for dinner. Same concept. What it does do to me is make me realize how RAD he is. How delayed he is.

I've said before, but it is such a challenge to parent these different ages. He is just barely starting to remember how old he is (we practice every morning and night) and his birthday is around the corner and he will have to learn a new number. When I tell him to put his shoes on before he goes outside in the snow, he tantrums. He is ticked because he doesn't like that we've told him what to do. He is ticked because he doesn't understand or remember what cold feels like. He is ticked because I am telling him what to do, but I don't have to tell any of the other kids. He doesn't recognize that they already have their coats and shoes and gloves on. All he sees is that we are telling him to do something.

At church Sunday, his brother was trying to make him do a simple word search and was getting really mad because he couldn't do it. I saw what was happening pretty quick and stopped it. BoyOne was mad that he couldn't look at the letter 'A' and find it again in the midst of a bunch of other letters.

I am feeling more connected with him. I started doing this thing where I take a few minutes each day and we talk about what he is good at and what he has learned in America. He usually says skiing and I add several other things. It's good for me to have to find those good things about him. It's good for me to have to tell them to him. It's good for him to hear it, too.

As with any experience in life, life goes on and it, in retrospect, gets better. You can't look at it by the day or even the week sometimes (and occasionally not by the month either:)), but overall things progress and it's all good. It feels like each day has been a challenge and sometimes that makes me feel like things aren't going well or smoothly. I start thinking that I'm not doing a good job with all these kids as their mom, that I'm failing. (don't lie, we all feel like this sometimes. at least I hope I'm not the only one!)

Then I take myself back to that awesome apartment in Ukraine where my translator and facilitator were freaking out that my fourteen year old son had ran away, where I was seething mad and absolutely fine with the idea of him staying in Ukraine, where I was beginning to discover that BoyTwo was unable to dress himself, along with other simple tasks and literally swore every other word, where we're at right now looks pretty freakin' awesome!