Heavy topic. Always is. When the boys talk about happy things, they begin to feel a little homesick and they also worry about their friends and their bio mom. I never know quite what to say because I have the same sentiments. Interestingly enough, I have offered multiple times to help them contact their mom and/or friends and they haven't really wanted to. I can't really figure that one out. Maybe it would be too hard for them? I don't know. I don't even know if they know. When they talk about bad things, I am often so shocked that I don't know what to say and I'm trying really hard to make sure my face stays looking normal instead of contorting into the face of someone who is completely horrified.
Last night I was making bread in the kitchen and was using a certain kitchen utensil when BoyTwo saw me with it and excitedly came over to me saying, 'mami Ukraine this one!' over and over. I got excited with him and asked if she used to make them bread, too. (I am also very naive) The look on BoyTwo's face was priceless. It pretty much said, 'Make bread?! What the crud are you talking about lady?!' He then told me about some things that she used to do with said utensil that did not involve cooking. He was laughing about it.
I don't mind if the boys love their bio mom, in fact I want them too. I like to think it's easier to deal with for both them and me than hating her or being bitter. I don't mind when they talk about her either (other than the content is often questionable). I feel like this whole two mom thing isn't so complicated for me because I am adopted, too, and I feel like I understand more the ability a child has to love two moms. And to love them differently, for that matter. In the early days, I was able to see the internal struggle in one child with guilt of loving us and feeling like that meant he was abandoning his bio mom. This was taken out on me. These occasions are happening far less now. While I did not enjoy it, I got it. I don't at all feel threatened by her or even hate her. I can't even say that I am mad at her. What I feel is sadness and heartache. I pray for her most days. My heart aches for her loss and for the difficult life that she has had. In all honesty I feel guilty myself because I don't know that I could have or would have done anything differently if I had been in her shoes. Perhaps the only difference between the two of us is that I was born in America and was dealt a winning hand to start with.
So, when the boys tell us stories of things that happened that should never have taken place and in a sense glorify and excuse what she has done, I kind of get it. In that same breath, I worry about them because I know that they think these things are okay to do, normal. I don't want them to think that 'desperate times call for desperate measures' or that circumstances allow for bad choices to be made. I want them to know that these things are not okay, that they should not have seen these things. I do not want them thinking I am judging or bad mouthing their bio mom. Most of all I want them to feel safe and know that they are loved. I desperately want them to be able to make better decisions in their futures.
Pretty much I have taken to telling them the typical, 'I'm so sorry that I didn't know you then so that I could have helped you,' or 'I wish I could've been there to take care of you,' or 'I'm sorry that you have had to do so many difficult things.' They will usually answer back that 'it's okay!', as if they are surprised that I feel so sad/disturbed/devastated that they had to go through what they did. Last night, for whatever reason, (possibly the fact that BoyTwo's aggressive and impulsive behavior makes me quite concerned for his future at this time) I felt that I needed to say something more. While he was laughing about what had happened back in Ukraine, I told him, 'BoyTwo I am sorry that you had to see that happen.' His response was not surprising, 'It's okay, mom, it's big good job!'
And that is the problem right there.
It is NOT okay! It is not big good job!
I have always felt that if I said something negative about her behaviors, I would be judging her, something I am so not willing to do. Last night I realized this was not the case. It may sound so lame, but I realized that even though I understood why she did what she did, even though her lot in life is less than 'fair', even though I'm not so sure that I would have been any different were it me, I realized that no matter what, those things were not okay and that I HAD to make that clear.
Then I had this amazing peace fill my mind and I was reminded of the gift of the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. And not in a 'this is how SHE can be saved' sort of way, but in a 'this is how He can help and save me' sort of way. I find myself relying on the Atonement primarily for my sins and heart aches and losses and often forget that because of the Atonement there is forgiveness, more hope, more guidance, more peace, and more love. The other beautiful thing that happened was that I knew what to say to BoyTwo so that the little guy would understand (something that is a HUGE challenge) what he needed to. While the words are short and simple (unlike this post), there was such a love and power behind them that came from above.
'BoyTwo, '_______________' is not okay. I am so sad that you had to see that. I am so glad that you are safe. I love you so much!'
and then he hugged me, passed gas, laughed and went on his merry way.
Beautiful post, Mrs. H. You are so very on the dot with this one. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMy son came with some baggage, too. However, he is usually not sentimental about it. He has pretty effectively put most all his past behind him. However, sometimes when he would tell me things he had experienced, I'd tell him something similar to what you said. I'd tell him that that was too bad that that had happened (if it had been a bad thing he told me about) and that usually it shouldn't be that way. I told him we do things differently. I don't say they were wrong. I just say we do it this way. So, yea, I agree with you.
ReplyDeleteLove this. Especially the passing gas. That happens a lot around here, too. LOL
ReplyDeleteI feel a lot of the same things that you do. Sometimes I feel very sad for her, almost guilty that I get to have this child to love and she does not. I feel that I have taken something very precious from her. I think of her often and wonder what happened in her life to make it okay to have her child taken from her after 7 years of caring for him and never once try to contact him. Once in a while P will talk about something that happened in Ukraine but it always has to be without probing. Whenever we ask about Ukraine he will quickly change the subject. I am hoping that he will talk more about his past when he is ready. If not that is okay too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteI could identify with the feeling of my own shock/sadness/depth of emotion over some of the things my son just nonchalantly tells me, like it's no big deal! I'm glad he shares these things with me, but I can't figure out how one gets to the point that they just accept these things as normal facts of life! So sad.
Also, my son too has not so far shown any interest in contacting friends or sister since home. It's like out-of-sight, out-of mind. Or I don't know...I've asked, and he says, "later". But in Ukraine, he called them daily.
Weird. Wish I could get inside his head sometimes!
Sweet post. We try hard not to talk poorly about Alex's Ukraine mom too. He never has anything nice to say about her so why join in...right? I do tell him how I wish I could have been there, that he had been mine then and he will sigh and tell me how great it would be if I had shown up when he was six. Six. When he went to the orphanage. Given the horribleness he witnessed and experienced I would have thought he would have like intervention earlier. Although he did tell me more than once that he wishes he was born from my belly. I try to tell him that I do to but that he is who he is because of his experiences and as much as we would like to take away his bad memories - we love him just the way he is.
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