Happy Medium, Please and Jinx

This new blogger setup is bugging me.  I guess I don't do well with change:)

My commenters, Jefferson and Wendy, hit the nail on the head with their comments.  It does appear that with these boys, mostly with BoyTwo, we have to be very, very extreme to get his attention or to even make a dent in his emotions.  It is a difficult thing to do when as a society we are generally more into talking things through and explaining and having basic natural consequences, etc.  

When we were in Ukraine everyone (and I mean everyone!!  bio parents and grandmother, teachers, director, translator, passersby, etc.) told us that we would need to physically punish BoyTwo.  After trying to explain that we do use physical punishment several times and getting some looks from people that clearly said they thought I didn't know what I was talking about, I stopped explaining and just nodded my head, thanking them for their advice.  I thought they were crazy.  No, I thought they were TERRIBLE!!  I mean, seriously, who could even dream of spanking this sweet little angel.  Fast forward seven months and I feel like I owe them an apology note for judging them.  Sweet little angel.  hahaha.  Joke's on me:)  He is a sweet little angel... somewhere in there!

Crib nap went very well.  He was soooooo upset by this that I plan on using it in the future (not frequently, I don't want it to lose its power).  

During this time of reflection, BoyTwo discovered he had a loose tooth.  He hollered out to me to come to him, which I did when it was convenient for me, and had me wiggle his tooth.  I was barely able to get it to move, but congratulated him before tucking him back in.  I was torn.  I didn't want him to have any interactions with me as he was 'napping' and I didn't want to feed into his attempts to get me to interact with him, but at the same time, this is his first loose tooth with a mom!  When we hosted him in October 2010, he had all of his baby teeth.  In May of 2011 (7 months later) he had lost 8 teeth!!  I wanted to be able to have sort of a nice moment with him over this, so that was my compromise.  To acknowledge briefly.

In the mean time, Two has had a loose tooth since BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!  It is dangling.  For reals.  Super gross.  Bribed her.  Bossed her.  Tried to yank it with my fingers.  No go.  Sigh.

Saturday morning BoyTwo was up bright and early (drives me absolutely NUTS that we have to drrraaaaaaggggggg this child out of bed on school days at 8 a.m., but Saturday he's up and at it at sunup). I sent him back to bed, only to be woken by him again shortly after.  He was holding a wad of toilet paper to a hole in his mouth where his tooth had been.  It was gushing blood.  BECAUSE IT WASN'T READY TO COME OUT YET!!  (now I know how it is he lost 8 teeth in 7 months)

For the love of Pete!  Could we have a happy medium?!  One kid can't bear to part with a dead, dangling tooth and the other literally rips it from his mouth.  Good night.  Tonight (Sunday) Huz spent some time with Two working on getting that tooth out gently.  

I'm happy to report that the tooth fairy visited three children tonight.  Two, BoyTwo and BoyOne.  BoyOne did not lose a tooth, but given the fact that he had lost all of his teeth prior to coming to America, the Tooth Fairy has decided to make him an Honorary Tooth Loser and will deliver money under his pillow every time his brother loses a tooth (trying to make up for lost time).

As for the Jinx?  My kids will. not. stop. with the 'jinx'.  They say it all the time.  It is not even cute or funny anymore.  We had to ban jinxing from the car, the dinner table, during songs (yes, they would literally yell 'jinx' after every word while we would be singing a song), while praying (picture the 'amen' at the end of prayer followed by a chorus of shreeking 'JINX!!!!!!'), and various other times.  I tried banning it altogether but it didn't work.  They would have lived the remainder of their lives in restriction.

p.s.  discovered tonight for certain that BoyTwo is missing two of his teeth.  Not that they were lost but that they do not exist.  At least visibly.  He has his top two front teeth and next to them are his eye teeth (pointy little fangs).  I've wondered ever since we got back to the states and I caught my breath (sort of) (about November) if they were missing because it just looks so weird but the dentist had never said anything, so I let it go because I really didn't want to gaze into his stinky little mouth:)  But tonight, because we were already in everybody's mouth (you know how when one kid loses a tooth everybody else wants you checking their teeth for possible cash bonuses), I checked it out real good.  They are missing.  I'm hoping that they just haven't descended yet (which is likely the case if he pulled them out like he pulled out this one waaaaay before it was ready)...  Calling the dentist in the morning.

In the Air

This week has steadily declined.  I am so annoyed.  

Today as I walked down the hall at the school to volunteer, I happened to notice that BoyTwo was on the floor in his aide classroom.  It looked like he was sort of playing with a chair.  There is a desk with a 'teacher' chair in there.  Evidently, he had refused to do any work and proceeded to take the chair apart and was supposed to be putting it back together.  Part of me wanted to say, 'Why isn't he in the principal's office right now?'  The other part of me understood that the aide was standing her ground and making him put the chair back together.  It's funny though, how quickly he managed to do it once I was in the room.  He missed recess and instead wrote an apology note to his teacher.  His class won a pizza party in a school wide contest and that was today.  I made sure that he saw what he was missing and then brought him home for a nap.  If he's going to act like a baby, I'm going to treat him like a baby.  It's so frustrating that I have to be so extreme with him.  He showed absolutely no remorse or disappointment in missing recess or the pizza party.  Even his apologies are pathetic.  But we make him do it hoping that someday it will click.  He finally showed a flicker of emotion (upset) when I tucked him into the crib that we still have on hand for when my baby nieces and nephews are over.  

In the mean time, I received an email from one of BoyOne's teachers telling about his less than stellar behavior.  'Playing basketball with paper, refusing to do work, roaming the classroom, defiant, being sent to the hall for being disruptive and refusing to stop behavior when asked.' was the laundry list.  By the way he's failing two of his four classes.  I also had a report from his bus driver that he is refusing to sit down.  So, no more bus either.

Seriously?!

Gotta run!  I'm off to the junior high to pick up Mr. Thinks-he-can-do-what-he-wants because surprise!  he can't do what he wants.  

Happy Friday.

Our Anniversay

Fourteen years baby!  I'm so blessed and grateful to be married to Huz.

We planned to go to brunch this morning, but instead ended up being called by BoyTwo's substitute teacher because he was being soooo naughty.  This is the same woman that told him he was fantastic after he had refused to do work and hit someone, so her tolerance is very high.  The fact that she felt that things were going poorly enough for her to call us directly speaks loud.

Little butthead.

Huz took care of that one.  I kind of felt like we should pull him for the rest of the day, but we decided against it so we could go run a couple errands together.

When I went into the school to pick the kids up this afternoon, I was greeted by BoyTwo cruising on out of the principal's office.  Not good.  Basically, we talked to him right before lunch at 11.  He went to lunch and then was so incredibly naughty for the short time he was in his classroom after lunch, that he spent the rest of the day with the principal.  Until the principal had to go into some parent meetings.  Then the office ladies had a hard time keeping track of him.  Evidently he dropped by his own classroom, briefly, to drop kick a pencil and fart on a few kids before running out again.  The poor substitute tried to find him but couldn't.  and on and on and on.

During time out this afternoon at home, he peed on my floor.  He and I and Huz were all equally unhappy about that one.

So, yeah.  I'm really happy with him today.  And yesterday was nearly as bad, but his regular teacher was there to deal with him and he is a little more scared of her.  So not only did he get in trouble at school and home yesterday, but he was sent to school today already without recess privileges and in trouble.  

Gah!

Next.  BoyOne has this problem where if he wants to do something and then cannot because he (or we) has other plans, he kind of throws this little fit.  It's over everything, even if it's because there is something good going on.  We're pretty sure that if we were going to Disneyland tomorrow and he asked if he could stay at school late to do homework (he would never ask this, I'm simply giving an exaggerated example of his ridiculousness) and we told him no, we were going to Disneyland, he'd be upset.  As in tears.  It's slightly annoying already, but add that to everything else that we'd dealt with today and he ended up in his room for bed early. 

To top the evening off, we ran (we had to go really fast and really close by) to a quick celebratory dinner only to come home to the girls running around out in the front yard like wild monkeys with the neighbors after being told to put pajamas on and get on their beds to do their reading.  Pretty disappointing that they couldn't pull through for us and just do the right thing when most of the time they do.  

Oh, and while we were gone, the dog found and was making a meal of a deer's leg.  (this distraction is why the girls all claimed to be off their beds)  As in recently (and possibly by her) detached.  It still had fur on it and the hoof and all that awesomeness.  ewwwwwww.

'Quit Being So Dramatic!'

This is what I said to One at 1:30 a.m. Tuesday night. She's had a cough for a couple of days and hasn't been able to sleep. Now, granted, this cough has been a bugger. It doesn't sound horrible, but if she starts, she just can't stop. She coughs so hard and so much that she vomits and/or her nose will start spraying blood. She is also typically a very energetic and enthusiastic child who hasn't left the couch for five days.

As I type this I feel like an even bigger loser. Good grief!

Tuesday night she hadn't been to sleep yet and I was really wanting to be asleep, so I credit my lack of compassion to sleep deprived delirium. She was freaking out saying to me that she couldn't breathe. I know, I know. Not a shining mommy moment.

Fast forward to the next morning when I was a little more coherent and compassionate, but not much. I decided to take her to the doctor hoping for a prescription cough suppressant so that she (and I, let's face it, I was being selfish) could sleep the next night.

I was soooo not concerned with her 'illness' that while the doctor was giving her the exam I sat on the bench answering questions while reading the latest 'Reader's Digest.' (Oh my gosh! I am horrible!)

As I realized the appointment was about to come to an end, I stood up and put my purse on my shoulder, waiting for the doc to hand me a scrip. Instead she very seriously said to me that we needed to go right over to the lab and have an X-ray of One's chest done, a snot culture, and some blood work. I need to add really quick that we have just changed pediatricians, our last one lived over an hour and a half away and that was just not working out so well. This new doctor had just seen Four for her kindergarten well child visit and this was our first 'sick' child so I truly and honestly thought that she was just being 'extra careful' as this was her first interaction with us having an illness. So basically, I STILL thought that nothing was wrong!

Until the lab tech asked us to wait before leaving the room while she made sure the X-ray had taken a good picture. And that's when I saw the film come across the screen and saw a partially white left lung. FYI, lungs are not supposed to be white. That means there is either something in there that shouldn't be or that it is not filled with air as it should be or both.

And then I said, 'Hey, One, sorry about last night.'

Great apology, I know.

So, basically, One has pneumonia, her oxygen levels are okay but she is on restricted activity (no problems there, she wasn't really doing anything anyhow. This also explains the extreme and unusual lethargy she was experiencing...). There is also a small chance that she has a strain of whooping cough. She was immunized for it, but evidently there have been a couple of cases of it at her school recently (how I don't know this is a bit of a mystery! I thought that was a pretty big deal, you know the kind of thing you'd hear about) and so there is a chance that she has some form of it. She is being treated for both and we'll know tomorrow or Monday about the whooping cough for sure. In the meantime, she is 'quarantined' (our word, not the doctor's) to the piano room so that nobody else gets this (as if we could suddenly protect ourselves after having her lay on the couch in the living room for the past five days).

Amazingly she has only asked for a slushy twice. She must not realize that now is the time to ask for a horse.

Letter to Anne Frank

In BoyOne's English lit class, they were asked to write a letter to one of the characters in the book The Diary of Anne Frank, which they had just finished reading. While BoyOne's writing is coming along, it is still a little bit of a struggle to get him to write papers for class (what teenaged boy jumps for joy over writing compositions?!). In the beginning I would have him type his papers on the online translator and then copy the translation for his paper. His teachers and I thought this was the best way to get him started expressing himself. Remember, he had never ever written any sort of paper ever before. At age fourteen! He had NO IDEA how to even begin to do this. It used to take us HOURS to get four sentences. Now, when he writes, he doesn't use the translator at all and he can easily write 100 words without any sort of prompts! He can go another hundred with just a few questions to get his mind going again. I am so very impressed and pleased with his progress! These kids literally have to learn how to think. The whole thought process is foreign to them. Opinions? Forget it. You can see how having this background and past has made this new way of doing things so difficult for them, but wow! I'm so proud of him!

I wanted to share his letter to Anne Frank. It was to be a 'friendly' letter, 350 words. He counted exactly 350. I didn't double check him, but I did count the first 304 words for him. He then had to add the next 46 and count them on his own.

In the first draft of the letter I will type exactly what he has written and how he spelled it. If there is a weird word (and there are quite a few:)) I will type the word he means next to it in parenthesis. If he asked me to spell the word for him, I will type it in blue. In the second draft I will translate what he means, just in case you don't quite get it. It makes sense to me, but we hear it all day, every day. :) One thing that does confuse me a little is that he will sometimes spell a word correctly, but not at all consistently. You'll see that in the first draft. Also, he only capitalizes things sometimes. ?!

DRAFT 1:

Dear Anne Frank I like your book because you very awesome person. First I go school I read yours book I no wery (very) anderstant (understand) but I seenk (think) what happen. You book so cool because its wery (very) funny person but and bad staw (stuff) and good. I seenk (think) its so mach (much) long time for you garret (go write) that book but its cool. I lik (like) moushi because its cat. So I leave (live) and (in) Ukraine I no wery (very) like to read kind of, but I go it too America i read and my class your book I fearst (first) time ooo no read book so boar (boring) but leader (later) its good. And (in) Ukraine its no wery (very) bit ite (eat) but its ok. And you hide in Jermnay (I actually spelled this out for him slooowly and this is still what he came up with. It's supposed to be Germany) I tell you what happen in Ukraine its wery (very) lang (long) story but ok let.s (let's) go. And (in) Ukraine people were (very) hard work he is grow wheat its very hard work but stupid Russian go in Ukraine take erry (every) wheat people so said (sad) so sack (suck). And people no foot (food) and starve and die too. And Russian kill people for (in) Ukraine, and mare (more) for (than) 6 million people die. Ukraine country good I like Ukraine I play soccer, basketball (yeah, that's not quite accurate. we heard all the time in the beginning how 'big suck' Ukraine is because there is no basketball) and nader (other) sports. I no go erry (every) day in Ukraine school no wery (very) anderstant (understand) but its ok. Amereca I go church play soccer basketball and nader (other) sports. Now I gavet (have it) biger (bigger) friends for Ukraine. Ukraine no wery (very) good food America bedar (better). My femily stae (stay) in the Ukraine but I stae (still) love my family Ukriane and i now (know) he (they) love me Ukraine i have 1 brothers now i have 4 sisters and brother. Its longer school for (than) Ukraine but dats (thats) good. I Now (know) you hawe (have) cat i hawe (have) cat too America cat name Onix (Onyx) so crazy i seenk (think) he like sing. Ukraine cat too crazy isenk (I think) She lik (like) spider-man. I so said (sad) because you die for (in) Jermany (Germany) but I stae (still) like you book im (I'm) so sorry for (that) you die I senk (think) you so cool and popular. My family go for me back America me and my family stae (stay) in Jermany (Germany) you so awesom my name is ________.

DRAFT 2:

Dear Anne Frank, I like your book because you are a very awesome person. First I go to school and I read your book, I don't really understand, but I think I know what happened. Your book is so cool because you're a very funny person but bad stuff happened, and good. I think it took you such a long time to write the book, but it's cool. I like Moushi because it's a cat. So, I used to live in Ukraine and I did not like to read, well, kind of. I go to America and my class and I read your book. The first day I said, "Ohhhh. I don't want to read this book. It's so boring. But then later, I see that it's good. In Ukraine I don't have very much to eat, but it's okay. I'll tell you what happened in Ukraine while you were hiding in Germany. It's a really long story, but let's get started. In Ukraine people work very hard to grow wheat. This is very hard work. Stupid Russia came into Ukraine and took all the wheat. People were so sad. It sucked. People didn't have food and they were starving and they died. Russia killed people in Ukraine. More than 6 million peopled died. Ukraine is a good country. I like Ukraine. I played soccer, basketball and other sports. I didn't go to school every day in Ukraine. I don't really know why. In America, I go to church, play soccer, basketball and other sports. Now I have more friends than in Ukraine. Ukraine food wasn't very good. American food is better. My (biological) family stayed in Ukraine but I still love them and I know they love me too. In Ukraine I had 1 brother. Now I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. The school day is longer than in Ukraine but that's okay. I know you had a cat. I have a cat, too. My cat in America is named Onyx. He is so crazy. I think he likes to sing (because he meows so freaking loud all. night. long). My cat in Ukraine was crazy too. I think she was like Spiderman. I'm so sad that you died in Germany, but I still liked your book. I so sorry that you died. I think you are so cool and popular. When my family brought me to America, our layover was in Germany. You are so awesome. Your friend, _________

I ite clothes Braune. thenks

This is the note BoyOne left for me this morning on the pan of brownies.

Translation:

I eat close brownie. thanks.

Translation of the translation:

I ate a little bit of the brownies. thanks.

Which is impressive because he usually calls brownies cake, spelled (and pronounced) cek. lol.

I leave him little notes and in return, he likes to leave me little notes back. It's so cute. After so many months of forcing him to write, I LOVE that he does it on his own! It is fabulous!! He also likes to send me emails that say things like: uoy so fune mom (you are so funny mom) end i no go skule. it socks. i pley socar. (and I don't want to go to school. It sucks. I want to play soccer) uoy big puk. hahahaha. i so fune (you farted big. hahahaha. I'm so funny-just for the record, I don't fart and it drives him crazy. he wishes I would so that he could and have me not ride him about it.)

Interestingly, both he and his ELL aide feel that his spelling is great!

Fire Station and Paska

Don't worry, these two things are not in the same story.

This is BoyOne with one of his good friends at a church activity at the fire station. The boys were able to try on the fire gear if they wanted and even had a shot at holding the fire hose while it was shooting water. Huz took video of this and holy cow was it hilarious!! I'm sure you can picture how a fire hose would be flipping all over the place if it was turned on and had no one holding the end of it? Well, that's basically what it still looked like. haha:)

This is my beautiful Paska that I made for the boys as per their request. They told me it was a bread, but then AFTER I had made it (it raises three times) told me it wasn't right. What I figured out is that theirs is just waaaay drier (and I thought this was already dry), baked in a coffee can, not decorative, and they use a white frosting, I used a glaze. It sort of tasted to me like bland cinnamon roll dough, minus the cinnamon and sugar. My friend Wendy, whose adopted son has been home a few years, is a pro at this bread and I saw on her blog what the boys were looking for. Coincidentally, I had used the same online recipe as she had. Only she knew to bake it to look like a cylinder and to frost it. Next year I'll know better what to do. She also suggested I make two loaves. One dry as all get out for the boys and one more moist for us. Everybody still had some of this bread and BoyOne was very nice about it, even though it wasn't what he had hoped for. BoyTwo on the other hand will quite literally eat anything and doesn't really have a memory of Ukrainian Paska.

Cargo Shorts

Today I had BoyTwo put on a pair of cargo shorts. He promptly discovered the many pockets and loops (duh, they're hard to miss, there's fifteen of them) and starting listing off all the things that he would place in them.

guns

knives

guns

toys

guns

The shorts are no longer in his wardrobe. Who would've thought those to be a trigger?

I don't care if he is a boy. I hear all the time "oh, you're just not used to boys, it's a boy thing." Really? Because I'm not okay with an almost 8 year old boy or girl fantasizing about carrying around guns and knives and planning how to use them. My friends, he is talking for reals, he is not just being 'a boy'. Pretty sure you'd be a little unhinged if your 8 year old was telling you graphically how he planned on using the guns and knives on people. The best I can do right now is to remove all of these things from his life and replace them with good things and happy, safe things that will hopefully retrain his brain so he's not a gang member/felon at the age of 16. And if that means no cargo shorts, then so be it.

Easter Weekend

Friday. This was the boys' first time ever to dye eggs. It's hard to tell, but there are some glitter eggs, some multi-colored, and others with designs. The kids love to color eggs and then eat them in the following days. Saturday. The Easter Bunny hates waking up at 6 a.m. (because this bunny doesn't go to bed until 2) to hide them before the kids wake up, but not too early that the eggs spoil.

4

3

BoyTwo

2

1

BoyOne with his 'Ukraine' egg. FYI I call this his 'Kermit the Frog' smile. Drives me nuts. Could he look any more constipated? He even sees pictures of himself later and tells me how he dislikes them because of how he looks in them. Well, then, smile, for the love!!

This year we invited our neighbors over for an Easter egg hunt and dinner on Friday night. It was originally supposed to be great weather, then it was supposed to snow which meant we would need to have the egg hunt in the house. Fortunately the snow melted and by evening the egg hunt was back on for the great outdoors. These are the some of the kids waiting to bust outside to collect. We had a lot of fun:)

I didn't take any pictures of us on Sunday, but it was a great day. My sisters all came up and we got to see baby Adelaide and Gage. There was a slightly long talk at church (but it was good, if you were actually paying attention to the words instead of zoning out BoyOne) and BoyOne felt it his responsibility to the congregation to try to end the talk by loudly announcing 'Amen' several times during the talk before I nearly killed him with my deathly eyes. All in all? Great Easter. Much better than Christmas was.

Lyrics

What?! Two posts in one day?

Huz did not get stitches, instead the doctor used hospital grade glue and it is holding much better than the stuff we bought over the counter.

Four was just singing the song 'Tomorrow', from Annie, to us and I had to share the lyrics.

'The sun'll come out tomorrow

Give it up!

Pat your bottom with a dollar.'

Soooooo funny

All In A Day

Yesterday we ate dinner at 8. Today's not looking much better. Unless I start dinner at breakfast, it just doesn't happen at a decent time. Why? Well, let me tell you.

First, my meeting that was supposed to end at 3:30 lasted until 4:15.

Next, Huz split his eye open near his brow bone while trying to put the basketball stand up and is currently getting stitches. But only after I tried using a butterfly bandage to hold it shut. And AFTER we finished putting the trillion pound basketball stand up. And AFTER the butterfly bandage wouldn't hold so I ran to the store to buy that liquid bandage stuff I've heard great things about. And AFTER BoyOne suddenly had soccer practice (which I am still highly doubtful of. Practice is usually Wednesday and there were only four boys, including him, at the park, but there was waaaaay too much going on to figure this out at the moment), followed by a church activity. And still then, only after the liquid bandage glue stuff wouldn't hold his eye together either and the neighbors told him that he'd better go get some stitches.

Then I realized I didn't have any idea where any of the other kids were, including the two neighbor kids I was watching. Don't worry, I found them quickly. They were up on the golf course like they aren't supposed to be, but since there aren't any golfers today (not sure why, it's beautiful out there!!), I'm going to let them keep themselves busy.

I also forgot that in between Huz splitting his eye open and me taking BoyOne to soccer, Two 'lost her shoe' in the river by our house that she is NOT allowed to be near. The shoe she just got for Easter. Not anything fancy or pricey, just a sparkly flipflop from a clearance rack, but still, she's had it three days (we do the bunny on Saturday).

Somewhere in there, I managed to throw dinner together and it is in the oven (BBQ chicken with sweet potato fries, yes, I'm ready for summer) but won't be ready until 7:15ish, but that's better than 8, right?!

And that all happened between 4:25 when I got home and 6:10. Holy Hannah!!

Just for fun, here is a picture of BoyOne making cookies (not today) using a jello recipe we found (thus the blue dough). The cookies turned out good enough, but it won't be a recipe that we pass down from generation to generation. p.s so much for the boy who knows everything and doesn't need lessons on how to cook. He still doesn't think it necessary to pull egg shells out of the food (don't even get me started about how he won't let me teach him to break an egg without getting the shell everywhere), wash his hands, etc. Yes, that's the cord to the mixer in the dough. Yep! He knows it all:) At least he's willing to try!

Grandma 93

A couple weeks ago Huz's grandmother passed away. She was a darling woman, tiny and feisty. She had a million stories to tell from her long life and loved to share them to anyone who would listen. Like when she was in nursing school, they used to lock the girls inside their dorms at night to 'keep them out of trouble' until one of the dorms caught fire and they realized that was about the stupidest thing they could have done. Or how her first home cost something like $400. She also said some pretty hysterical things without even knowing how funny she was:) (for example telling the German friends who were visiting that the Indians called corn maize...) She was just barely starting to get gray hair (wouldn't you love to have those genes?!) and just barely stopped driving! She was pretty amazing. We were fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with her over the years and our kids really miss her. BoyOne grew especially attached to Grandma Tingey, or Grandma 93 as he called her (in reference to her age. Tingey was too hard for him to say). I'm glad that they had the chance to get to know her and that a few of them are old enough to be able to remember her.

me and grandma a couple years ago

BoyOne after the funeral at the cemetery. The boys are super scared of dead people and of cemeteries and death in general. Not exactly sure what they do in Ukraine, but it doesn't stir any happy memories or even positive thoughts. I was glad for the boys to have this experience because while we mourn for our loss over the death of a loved one, we have the knowledge that we will live again. We believe that we will be blessed with the opportunity to be with Heavenly Father and Jesus (as long as we don't really screw up here on earth) and that family ties are eternal. The boys had never seen anything like the funeral service before (duh) and I think it helped them. Now every time we pass a cemetery they ask if it is where Grandma 93 is...

One at the casket. I know some people don't like funeral pictures, but I like being able to look back. People tend to come together and that is a beautiful thing to see. I loved watching Huz visit with cousins he hasn't seen in months or, in some cases, years. I loved telling the kids how everyone was related and thought it was funny that they found it amusing that we have cousins, like we're way too old for that or something:) Family is a such a blessing.

We miss you Grandma Tingey.

Parties

Last night we hosted a cul de sac Easter egg hunt. It was way fun to watch BoyTwo race around the yard like a wild monkey grabbing plastic eggs from off the ground. He was so frantic he could hardly keep his balance. My neighbors were a little teary watching him experience yet another first. It made me happy to have yet another first under his belt. It seems like the more 'firsts' he has, the more he can progress. I have to stay on him like a fly on stinky poop, but it's worth it.

It feels like hyperactive parenting, this tricky business of raising a child with trauma. You hear about it, read about it, sometimes even see it, but no matter what, every time I experience something, it is surreal.

Three and BoyTwo were invited to a birthday party this morning. I decided to let them both go. It would have been waaaaaaay easier to just send Three. BoyTwo is still such a toddler that I have to be everywhere with him. Sure, he'd survive on his own, he did over in Ukraine, but those are not the results we are seeking. I needed to be there to guide his moves, his manners and his overall behavior. Being there at every possible moment I am available to catch him-wether it's him doing something naughty or having a 'first' or just plain old needing a mom. It's hard to describe. You wouldn't drop a 2 year old off at a bounce house and say 'see you in three hours,' would you? Same thing here.

We talked a lot beforehand about taking turns, not pushing or hitting, waiting for your turn, saying please and thank you. All the things we work on all. the. time, but now these skills were going to be needed all at the same time. I was a little nervous for the kid.

As we entered the facility he immediately went into overload, overstimulation, over-everything and took off like someone had just told him if he stopped running full speed at any given point he'd be executed. He got his wild eyes and his jazz hands going and I had to bring him back to earth, or at least try. So yeah, way easier to leave him at home to play with his toy cars and jump on the trampoline, but he is beginning to notice he is different from the other kids, that they socialize with each other and not just by each other. He wants to be a part of them, but desperately needs practice. This was perfect practice.

Overall, the party went well. He had a really hard time waiting his turn and not pushing and shoving, but I knew this would be the case and this is why I was there with him. He also had a hard time following the basic rules of the facility (no climbing over the bounce houses, enter at the appropriate places, feet first on the slides, one person on the slide at a time, etc), but again, that's where I came into play. We only had one incident where he intentionally kicked someone to invoke pain (unfortunately it was the birthday boy. Fortunately I'm good friends with his mama and they were too nice about it).

By far, the funniest part of the day was when he saw a party table full of three year olds sitting down for pizza and cake and ran over to the table and shoved his way in between a couple kids and tried to grab a piece of pizza. I was mortified at the moment, but now I can laugh. He is only aware of himself. I don't know what this is called, it's got to have a name, be a stage, but he is COMPLETELY self-involved. He just doesn't understand yet that he simply cannot have something only because he wants it. People are surprised to find out that a former orphan expects to get everything he wants, but it's how he rolls. He steals things and doesn't think it is stealing because he wants it. Somehow, in Ukraine, he was under the impression (along with half the other kids there) that it is okay to steal if it is something you need, want, or do not own. Which in their case, is everything. They honestly don't understand that there is something wrong with that.

I'm glad to have it over with. Glad that I hadn't just dropped him off. Glad that he had fun. Glad that Three was not totally humiliated by him. Glad that I have the luxury of shadowing him at all times, as wearing as it is. Glad to be his mom.

glad. that is really a weird word after using it six times in a row...

Taste Buds

Huz received a gift card from work and we were able to take the whole family out to dinner. We are so blessed by his employment and the perks he gets and the nice people that he works with and for.

We went to a steak house. BoyOne didn't know what to order (which we were prepared for, decisions are still SOOOO hard for these guys!). We had prepped him beforehand and then at the restaurant, we suggested steak and shrimp. We knew he had never had this before (and the other kids were all eating off the kids menu, and I can't eat red meat, so my meal was pretty simple=cheap) and were excited for him to try it. He's been here for six months and I thought his taste buds were ready for this new adventure.

We were wrong. He gagged and acted as though we were feeding him the fish head broth that he used to eat at the orphanage (that didn't make him gag) haha. It was pretty funny, although I don't know that I would have thought so if I had prepared the meal or paid for it...

I find it so fascinating how their taste buds are so underdeveloped. Even within their own country they hadn't ever eaten basic foods and had no real idea what 'Ukrainian Cuisine' was. It's been fun to watch them broaden their food likes.

I also can't wait to remind BoyOne that he 'big no likes' steak and shrimp should he ever try to eat it again:)

A Realization

here's a link to a website that has a bunch of articles and info on FAS/FAE/FASD, etc.

http://come-over.to/FASCRC/articles.htm

**warning. loooooooooooong.**

The hardest part of blogging for me is coming up with post titles. Not sure why, just is.

I read a comment about exotropia. Have you ever heard of it? I hadn't! Until I googled it and realized I just didn't know the correct name for it. In response to that comment, it's an interesting thought that we'll have to check out. Three had her vision tested before Kindergarten and checked out all clear. I don't see any physical signs of this, but as there are varying degrees of exotropia, and in some cases it is not constant, I think it is worth checking out! Thanks for the tip!

Next item of business. I am a bit suspicious that BoyTwo has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, FAS, or perhaps Fetal Alcohol Effects, FAE. There are some obvious reasons I suspect this (admitted prenatal drinking) and some other behavioral things I have noticed. It is not listed on any documentation that we have from the orphanage or from the adoption itself. I do not in any way think that the orphanage or the adoption agency we used were trying to pull a fast one on us by not telling us, either. FAS is a legitimate concern for children that are from Eastern European countries. Not all children have FAS just because they are orphans, but at the same time, it is not a rarity to find this disability among the children either.

When we hosted the boys, I was head over heals in love with them both. I had read a TON and talked to a ton of people and stalked a ton of blogs. We were pretty prepared for our time with them then. He was definitely young for his age (unfortunately not as young as I discovered once we were home, surprise!), but I didn't notice anything that concerned me too much. During our first trip to Ukraine, it was SOOOOOOOOO crazy and emotional, I think if BoyTwo had lost a limb I may not have noticed, so I'm certain I didn't see anything that concerned me then, either.

On our two subsequent trips to Ukraine, both of which I was alone during the majority of the time, I began to notice some things about BoyTwo and his behaviors, coupled with reports I was hearing from his teacher and caregivers and director and bio parents that definitely made me start to wonder if FAS was a real possibility for our little boy. I began to casually find out what I could about FAS, I mean Zap was totally exciting, but I had a lot of down time in my blue apartment:) I was trying to educate myself so that I could be in a position to understand what was going on, if anything, and be able to help him. And me.

My translator/facilitator in Kyiv was a women who has spent a lot of time at special needs orphanages, has worked with many special needs kids, has seen a lot of FAS, and has facilitated a lot of adoptions. She also spent a fair amount of time with us in Kyiv. The day before we left Ukraine, I asked her for her honest opinion regarding BoyTwo and FAS. I emphasized that I recognized that this was an opinion, that I knew she wasn't a doctor, that it would not change anything regarding the adoption, etc. I wanted her to feel like she could be honest with me. She told me, "Maybe." And that it was difficult to know and that I would have to watch him to see how he was progressing and have an American doctor help me. She also said that it was possible. I feel like she was being honest and fair with me. There were a lot of things that pointed in that direction and that still do. We have not taken BoyTwo to be professionally evaluated. I hope to do this sometime in the nearish future. I have a friend who has a son she suspected to have FAS/FAE and she took him to be evaluated six months after arriving home and the neuropsychologist was very hesitant to make a formal diagnosis based on the lack of language along with the major transitions that had and were still taking place. This is why we are waiting a little longer.

In the meantime, I read here and there, mostly stuff from websites that pop up when I google FAS, and I occasionally hear something via a blog. What I am finding out it that it is very complex. (duh) Moreso than I thought. There's a great little article titled The Visible Kid with the Invisible Disability that I will link, as soon as I figure out how to, that describes FAS pretty well. Tonight, I'd like to share with you an experience we had yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon, BoyTwo came to me tearfully. He is rarely emotional (unless severe hyperactivity is an emotion) and so I was concerned. His English is so great that he can tell me nearly anything he needs to. He is still learning to converse (think 2 year old not being able to carry on a conversation not for lack of words but lack of ability), but he does pretty well with Huz and BoyOne and me. He told me that his 'eraser' (really a pencil grip) he had won from school had been stolen by BoyOne. I was a bit suspicious because, seriously, how lame is a pencil grip? And how much more lame is it to steal one? So, I asked him to describe to me what happened.

BoyTwo was playing with his pencil grip yesterday morning. All the kids were watching cartoons (a serious rarity at our house, like not even once a month). BoyOne saw the pencil grip and asked to see it. BoyTwo handed it to him. BoyOne put the pencil grip in his mouth and began chewing it. BoyTwo got upset and asked for it back. BoyOne got mad and threatened to beat BoyTwo if he told us about this. BoyOne did not give the pencil grip back.

I was mad. During the hosting and during all of our trips to Ukraine, BoyOne would take things from BoyTwo that he wanted with the threat of physical punishment if he was not obeyed. We saw him follow through with his threats (of course we would stop it). When they came to America, this happened for about the first month, with each incident becoming fewer and farther between. Certainly there is still the sibling bickering that can occur, but nothing I would call bullying or abuse. BoyOne has been a joy. A definite stinker at times, but I often joke that I could take ten of him because he is so 'textbook' for lack of a better word. So, I was mad that he had done this. I was mad and sad that he for whatever reason had reverted back to this behavior. In a house where he is the oldest of six children, it concerned me. He was at a friend's house. I called him and asked him to come home. He came right home.

When he came in (Huz was home yesterday because originally we were to go out of town, but ended up not going, but he had taken the day off and decided to spend it with us anyhow, yay!), Huz and I were both in the kitchen with BoyTwo waiting for him. I went up to him and got in his face like I have seen him do to others (again, this was way in the past) and asked him why he was being mean to BoyTwo, why was he talking to him like this? Where was the 'eraser'?

This is so impressive. (Not me, him) He immediately recognized what I was talking about and that I was trying to show him how he was treating his brother. He said sorry to all of us, keeping calm this whole time, and then told us that BoyTwo was lying.

To make a looooooong post less long, here is the real story:

The kids were watching t.v. BoyTwo had his 'eraser'. BoyOne asked to see it and asked what it was. BoyTwo told him it was gum and that he could eat it. BoyOne put it in his mouth, quickly realizing that it was not gum. This is when he got mad at BoyTwo for lying to him and then laughing at him. BoyTwo told him that he was going to tell mom and dad that BoyOne stole his 'eraser' and was being 'scary' and this is when BoyOne said that he would beat BoyTwo if he told that lie. BoyOne then took the 'eraser' out of his mouth and threw it at BoyTwo who proceeded to flush it down the toilet. Fast forward to five hours later.

BoyTwo could. not. remember. He had absolutely no memory of this. He argued that BoyOne was lying and that he still had it in his mouth. At this point, Huz and I could tell that something was not quite right. There was no way BoyOne was making this jazz up. You know how you can tell when your kids are lying? He wasn't lying. BoyTwo insisted that his brother had the 'eraser' in his mouth! BoyOne even opened his mouth to prove to BoyTwo that he was not eating the 'eraser'. BoyOne then took BoyTwo on a very complete and thorough re-creation of the entire event. Huz and I followed right along. In the last scene, we all went into the bathroom together, BoyOne lifted the toilet lid, acted out throwing the eraser in. BoyOne continued on to flush the toilet and this, THIS moment, was when we saw BoyTwo remember what had really happened. To end the reenactment, BoyOne closed the lid (don't be jealous, he doesn't always do this). BoyTwo turned red and looked very embarrassed.

Then it hit me. This was FAS.

I was reminded of a blog post that I had read from a woman who has a daughter with FAS. This daughter had wrapped Christmas gifts and written 'to mom' 'love, her name' on them. Later that day, she saw the gifts under the tree with her name on them. The mom tried to tell the daughter that she had just wrapped them to give to the mom and even showed her how she had written that on them. In the end, it took this daughter unwrapping the gifts for her to be able to remember what had really happened. And she was embarrassed. Just like BoyTwo.

I apologized to BoyOne for getting in his face and he, very graciously, accepted my apology and even apologized to Huz and BoyTwo and me for getting in BoyTwo's face earlier. He commented that BoyTwo 'no remember every day.' He is right. It makes me wonder how often he is forgetting stuff like this. I know for a fact that he does lie and manipulate and sometimes tries to get others in trouble, but it certainly made me stop and think. It made me really hurt for this little guy. It made me wonder how many times a day he is confused and obstinate and ornery because he cannot remember what is happening or what he is supposed to do. How affected is he? Is this truly FAS/FAE? What does his future hold? Statistically, if it is FAS/FAE, it's not the brightest of futures, here or in Ukraine. That is a lot to think about. I always thought that if we could somehow, someday get the boys to America, we would be able to give them the opportunity to have a better future than had they remained in Ukraine. Simple enough to achieve, I thought. Now I'm not so sure. All because of alcohol. It makes me mad. It makes me mad that this was repeated. And it makes me feel bad that she was/is in such a bad place that she could not make herself stop drinking. :( siiigh.

So, to wrap things up, if you know of any good FAS/FAE resources, I'm open for suggestions. I do realize that it will be most helpful to consult with a professional regarding this matter, but like I said, we have made the decision to wait a few months longer. In the mean time, I'm willing to read, read, read.

Go Hannah!!

It is 10:17 p.m.

My husband and 14 year old son are sitting together on the couch watching

Hannah Montana, the movie.

?!

the end