Movie Night

We thought that for our last Saturday with the boys we would play at the park and go to see a movie. All the kids were excited about this.

The park where we live rocks. It's pretty old, but also has lots of new equipment. Before we moved here we loved to come play here when we were vacationing. The boys loved being on the swings, spinning on this wheel thing and getting dizzy. They were hilarious. They would have us spin them, then they would get off and try to walk. We were all laughing. Then, huz, being the cool dad he is, started a game of chase on the big jungle gym. It kind of reminded me of King Kong. The kids were all running everywhere, trying to get away from him. He would go after them and make it up the stairs in one giant step, or he'd scale the outside of the tunnel slide. Everyone was screaming and squealing.

At one point BoyOne told me he needed to use the bathroom. The bathrooms at this park have been locked for the winter. But, here's where having boys is handy, I told him to just go pee on a tree. He thought that was pretty funny.

After the park, we headed into town to see a movie. I don't even know for sure the name of it. Megamind or something? Anyhow, the kids enjoyed it. I thought it was a little slow, but it had a good message. There is one line that I wish I could tattoo on all the kids. It says, "Destiny is not the path laid out in front of you, but the path you choose." Such wisdom in a cartoon. Isn't that the lesson of life? What are you going to do with your situation? What will you make of yourself? Too bad it wasn't a russian cinema. And I'm not thinking their choice of being adopted. I'm thinking of what will they choose to do with their lives? Regardless of where they are living. What will all of us do with our lives? I gave a talk in church a few weeks ago about free agency. For me, free agency is more than just making a good choice when there is a decision to be made. I believe free agency consists of continually choosing to do good. Not that I am the poster child for this at all. It's just something that I remind myself of a lot. I try to make life happen, instead of waiting for life to happen to me. Like I said, a work in progress.

After the movie we went to dinner at the Pizza Factory, a family favorite. On the way home I could tell that BoyOne was in not-a-great mood. He didn't do or say anything-that was my clue. He didn't listen to any music or try to chat or anything. Just sat very quietly and stared out the front window. What's going on in your mind? Don't you know that you don't have to figure everything out all by yourself? I think they are too used to being on their own. Too sad.

Bounce House

Friday was another organized SAC activity. We went to a bounce house. The kids had a great time. The boys had seen pictures on my phone of the girls at one and I told them that we would be going. Ever since then, they have been so excited.

It was interesting, watching all these kids interact. The boys always got in front of the girls in line, as in cutting in. I was told that this is the way in Ukraine, boys are always first. Again, possible problem with their country? I had to grab BoyTwo several times to "help" him wait his turn. All in all, it was super fun and the kids were sad to leave. I didn't get any pictures like I had planned as I was very busy chasing after BoyTwo, making sure he didn't escape... BoyOne had a great time with the inflatables and then later spent some time at the air hockey table. He is really athletic and good at all sports. I told him via the computer translator one time that he is very good at athletics, that it was a talent. He said, "no," and then pantomimed volleyball and golf. He has a good sense of humor, too. I can joke with him and it's fun. For example, for Halloween I asked if he wanted to dress up as a girl. At first he was mortified but then he saw I was kidding and laughed. Another time, we were all in the bathroom brushing teeth and doing hair and I pretended to start to put pony tails in his hair. He thought that was pretty funny too.

This past week, BoyOne has been staying up later than all the other kids and watching movies and hanging out with huz and I. He always falls asleep on the couch and huz will carry him up to his bed. The latest he's made it is 10:00 p.m. Wish my girls were more like that!!

Friday night we dropped One off at a lesson and went to our old neighborhood school to let the kids play while we waited. We had a great time, Two and Three played with a couple of their great friends from when we lived there. BoyOne and BoyTwo brought their new soccer balls and cleats to play soccer. This caused a little trouble. BoyOne really can be just the best brother and best kid and can be so happy. But then, other times, he is just mean and ornery. He's mean to his brother. That makes me the most sad. I know it's probably because of how he was treated, but I still wish he could find it in himself to rise above. Anyhow, tonight was one of those nights. He was mean to his brother, making him cry and hide behind me from him. When we asked him to stop, he just yelled. He was very easily frustrated with himself while playing ball, to the point that it wasn't fun for anyone anymore. He is so hard on himself at times. Expects perfection. He forgets that he's only 13 and that he hasn't had many opportunities to do the things he's trying to do. Poor kid. So, we went home, he wouldn't eat dinner, wouldn't talk to us, wouldn't look at us, stayed in his room facing the wall and eventually went to sleep. Sad. What a way to spend one of your final days here. Sigh.

Eskimo Kisses

I taught BoyTwo how to give an Eskimo kiss. Now, he will take my face in his hands and rub noses with me at random times. It is very funny. He does it so seriously and then looks at me like he's so proud of himself. He really is the funniest kid. He loves to take baths in our master tub. He is a little fish. He also likes to gargle water.

He continues to have little chats with me. I really have no idea what he's saying, but it's fun to watch his face as he tells me his stories. He gives lots of hugs and is learning how to share and doesn't seem to feel as threatened by the other kids. He likes to play with our Fisher Price Little People houses and animals. I wonder if they have anything like that at the orphanage? It's too bad their postal system is so corrupt or I'd buy a bunch and ship them over. Such a simple thing.

Zoo Day

Today was an organized group event, courtesy of SAC. Huz took the day off and our whole family went. The weather was cool, but not too bad. Over all, it was a great day to be there.

We let BoyTwo stay with his friends and the rest of us stuck together. I felt pretty comfortable with this as we were frequently within eye shot (is that even a term?) of their group.

At noon we were supposed to meet at a picnic area to eat as a large group and to meet the Jazz player from Ukraine, Fsenko. Probably slaughtered that spelling, but oh well. At noon we were there and we were the only ones. By 12:30 a few other families had come. At around 1:00 we received word that Fsenko had thrown up at practice and was sent home. Apparently when this happens they are required to not go anywhere the remainder of the day. Kinda sounds to me like when my kids stay home from school because they are "sick" and I don't let them go anywhere so they can be sure to start "feeling better." So, needless to say, that was a disappointment to many of the boys there.

We didn't get home from the zoo until after 4. I'm not sure I've ever spent so much time there. But, it was a good time, the kids all seemed to have had fun.

Tonight Huz had a client dinner so I was on my own again. Honestly, I can't even remember what we did the rest of the evening! Later, after all the kids were in bed, BoyOne was still awake. Huz and I decided to have a little computer talk with him. He has been acting like he enjoys us and being here, he plays with the kids well, both our kids and others, he asks when he has to go back to Ukraine and when we tell him, he says "NOOOO." We get hugs every morning and night, except for Sunday and Monday after the concert. We really love these boys and would love for them to be part of our family. In observing the boys, we feel they are comfortable here with us and would be happy. We decided to at least give them the option. Ultimately, we want what is best for them, even if it means that it isn't us. We believe they came into our lives for a reason and we want to help them however they need, wether through adopting them or keeping in contact with them, or simply our prayers for them. So, we asked BoyOne to come to the computer to translate. We told him how we have enjoyed having him in our home. We told him we loved him and BoyTwo. We told him that we would love for them to become part of our family if they wanted. We asked if he was worried about living in another country and learning a new language. He answered yes. He, with much sign language, asked what grade he would be in and where he would go to school. We answered those questions and then just told him we wanted them to be happy. That was most important to us. Then we asked if he'd like to think about it, he answered yes. By the way, there is not a word for adopt in Russian. We have been told that we would need to initiate any discussion of this due to the incredibly low self-esteem these kids have. We decided to wait and see how he acted to decide what we should do next.

Tuesday

Tuesday was a long day.

I am now feeling pretty crummy and Tyler was going to be gone until about 9 tonight. I ended up letting the girls stay home from school because we got home so late. This helped me immensely as they could all entertain each other.

Behavior from both boys was excellent, everyone played well together and then when Huz came home, he took the Bigs (I am now calling the oldest 3 the Bigs and the youngest three the Littles) to our church to play basketball. They burned off some energy, came home and went to bed happy.

Pretty uneventful and guess what? That is good.

I need to add that although we have had some behavioral problems, this is to be expected from kids who have not had the opportunity of living with a loving, functional family. These kids have had quite the rough life thus far and their actions, I believe, are a direct result of their past. I am continuing to enjoy my time with them and still dread having to send them home.

Litter Bugs

The boys have not been taught to not litter. Even in the house. Apparently, orphanages hire old grandmas to walk around the buildings and premises and pick up garbage and clean up messes. So, it is common place for the kids to drop garbage wherever it is made. Even in the house.

I showed BoyOne where the garbage can was and showed him to throw his garbage away. So far, he's done a pretty good job remembering. BoyTwo, different story. If I see him drop garbage, I help him pick it up and most of the time he is fine to do so.

A couple days ago we were driving in the car. BoyOne unwrapped a granola bar or something that had a wrapper and I saw him prepare to throw it out the window. "No," I said, holding out my hand for the garbage. He almost handed it to me. But then he got that look in his eye that he's been getting, the look of defiance, and chucked it out the window. So, I stopped the car, put it in reverse and backed up down the road. I didn't even have to tell him, he got out of the car and picked up the garbage. Then, he threw it at me. And the rest of the way down the street he pointed out EVERY single piece of garbage we passed. He tried to tell me that it was ok to litter in Ukraine. I felt like telling him that perhaps that is part of the problem with their country... But I didn't. I did tell him that it is against the law to litter and that regardless of what anyone else does, we do what is right. This is a lesson that every parent tries to teach their kids, they usually have longer than two weeks to do it in.

SAC Concert

Monday was a long day. As Mondays usually are.

This particular Monday was the "one week left" mark for the boys. I was feeling all sorts of panicky thinking of them leaving. The girls went to school in the morning. I picked them up early. The plan was to go into town to a ski shop and have us fitted for skiis. Next, we needed to be in Sandy by 4:30 for a dress rehearsal for a benefit concert that SAC was having. This concert is a big deal as it is the primary fundraiser for these hosting trips. At 6:00 we were going to to leave the concert, take Three and Four to my sister's house and jet back to the concert. Sounds easy enough, right?

I knew the boys, BoyOne in particular, was not going to be happy about this concert thing. I knew that if he would give it half a chance he would enjoy himself. This is the constant problem. It is SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!! He is defiant and does not want to go anywhere. When we finally get to wherever it is, he is mad. When it is nearing time to leave, he finally begins to have a good time. This behavior is typical of many children of many ages in many circumstances. It is just hard when there is this GREAT BIG HUGE language barrier.

I decide early in the day to prep BoyOne on the concert. I tell him via computer translation that we have a concert to attend. This concert earns money that pays for his vacation here. I know he does not want to go, but we have to. All of his friends will be there. I believe he will actually enjoy it. He moans and groans a little and that is it. Relief floods over me.

Now, we're off to pick up the girls. In hindsight I should have skipped this next event. I didn't really have an option though due to other events going on and a time frame that had to be met. I took all six kids with me to the ski shop to be fitted for skiis. This started out just fine. When we were getting ready to be done, BoyOne starts to get upset. I need to explain that I had already told him what we were doing and that we wished he would be here this winter to ski with us. Maybe next year. Back to real time. He is getting upset and I'm trying to find out why. He is not wanting to talk to me or look at me. I personally think he is upset because he is thinking about how he has to go back to Ukraine soon and we get to stay here in our free country eating doughnuts and snow skiing. It really would have been better if I had not brought them along, for their sakes. I felt really bad. I really do wish they could just be part of our family and ski with us.

Now we're in the car headed to pick up huz and go to the concert. BoyOne is bugged that we have to pick up huz, but at the same time glad to see him. He doesn't want to give up his shot gun seat to me, and not willing to risk ticking him off, I voluntarily take the back seat. Not the middle back, but the very back seat of the suburban. The one that has shortened leg space. We ride all the way from I-89 in Layton to Sandy with my knees touching my chin. I'm also leaning forward holding hands with Three and Four. Good gravy.

We get to the concert. We sit around for a really long time waiting for our rehearsal turn. Now, I understand that this is how dress rehearsals go. Each number has to practice and get their sound system worked out. Problem is BoyOne has probably never been to a concert, let alone a dress rehearsal and most other people did not show up until well after we did. He launches a personal attack against me. An attack of silence, glares and occasional Russian that sounds accusing. I apologize. I tell him we were here when we were supposed to be. I tell him I didn't know everyone else was going to be late. Could he just hang out with his friends as they arrive and as we wait our turn?

Finally, our turn to rehearse. We are to stand as families. He will not stand with us. Because he won't, neither will his copy cat brother. We finally get them to come by us and BoyTwo freaks out. We are talking biting, kicking, hitting and spitting. Mixed in with some colorful Russian. I haul him out. I try to calm him down. No go. I see some kids enter the building and I recognize them as being adopted from Ukraine in previous years (I have turned into a blog stalker, embarrassing). I call out to them, asking (begging, really) for help translating. They come over and try to talk to BoyTwo. I have NO idea what is being said but I can see the frustration in BoyTwo's little face. He is trying so hard not to cry, to be tough. And that makes me start to cry. I reach over to touch his shoulder and he gives me this horrible look of hate, which makes me really sad. The night is now in disaster mode.

After more biting, hitting, and kicking from BoyTwo and more being ignored from BoyOne (I'm not expecting him to be my BFF or anything, a simple acknowledgement of my existence will do), I am beginning to seriously doubt myself. What was I thinking?! Really?!!!

I pass one of the Chaperone's, not the one that stayed with us, and ask her to translate for me. I ask her to tell BoyTwo the following:

No hitting.

No kicking.

No biting.

No yelling.

No running away.

Say sorry to me.

He mocks me, but ends up saying "sorly" and agrees to not do the above. On to BoyOne. I ask her to tell him he needs to stay near us. He needs to cooperate. He needs to participate in this concert. This concert pays for his vacation. He needs to be respectful. I know he does not want to be here, but he must, at the request of the program.

They engage in a conversation. I know more is being said than what was originally planned. I ask what is going on. I am told that he thinks we are not a good family. We make him do things he does not want to do. We will not take him to the activities. When we go, we are late. At this point I am about to lose it. Because remember who is making us late with his emotional-ness????? Remember how much we want him and want him to be here? My feelings are hurt and I am offended that he would tell his leaders that we are a bad family.

And then one of my friends from my old neighborhood shows up for the concert. Here I am telling her how awesome this is, singing praises for adoption and all these kids and she finds me sitting on stairs crying. Nice. Another SAC friend comes over to me and offers a listening ear. My husband is gone (taking Three and Four to my sis's) and I have no idea where my Ukrainian boys are, and my girls are upset because they want to go to the concert.

Huz finally gets back and I tell him I just want to leave. He is surprised to see me this upset because it takes a lot to get me like this. We go to find the boys and as we round the corner, the Ukrainian director of this program is coming around the corner the opposite direction with BoyOne. Apparently she found him and heard what was going on and had a little talk with him.

She starts to tell me that he just doesn't want to be here (concert). Because of his past he doesn't properly express himself. He doesn't understand that I am upset because I care. He just thinks that I am one more bossy woman telling him what to do. I have already thought these things. I tell her that as much as I really love having them at my house, maybe they don't want us. Maybe they should go to another family so that they will enjoy their visit. She tells me no, that is not the problem. She tells me that she asked him if anyone had ever told him he was smart. He said no. She told him that we said he was smart. She asked him if anyone had ever said nice things about him. He said no. She said we said lots of nice things about him. She told him that mom (me) is crying because she loves you. He is surprised. She asks him if he knows what it means to have a family. He says he does. She tells him this is his chance. He needs to show us with his actions because he does not know the words or the feelings. I am still not convinced that he does not hate us.

We go to the last half of the concert. BoyOne is on his best behavior. BoyTwo is a regular 6 year old boy. We stay until it is almost over and then we have to leave to pick up the other kids and drive 1 1/2 hours home. What a night. I cry the whole drive.

p.s. the actual concert was great