Today BoyTwo asked for a new family. This is not a new request of his, but it is one that we haven't heard from him for a while. In the past when he's wanted a new family, he will approach anyone he sees and ask them to be his family because _________ (you fill in the blank. He doesn't like us, we don't love him, we don't feed him, we're mean, etc.) Hopefully that doesn't start up again.
I tried something a little different today. I again told him that he could not have a new family, that we were a family forever. I asked him why he wanted a new family. Why didn't he want to be with us? He doesn't like me. He doesn't like sisters. We are mean. He doesn't like girls. (Huz tried to play that off as a left over orphanage thing, they generally have very little respect for women at all, but I'm not so sure. He's been here over a year. He likes his sisters. Or I guess I should say he likes Four. He has little to no use for the other three, but I KNOW he likes Four...) Then he said what I think is what this is really about,
"I no like you. You make me do jobs. You make me fix my bed, put clothes away, do homework."
Forget the fact that he has fewer responsibilities than anyone else in the entire family. He's chronologically eight, but he functions more like a four year old, so there's not a whole lot he can do/handle. Forget the fact that Huz also makes him do things, I just am around more.
me: "Does Dad make you do jobs?"
him: "a little"
me: "But you like Dad and not Mom?"
him: "yes"
I told him that he was always going to be part of our family, but only he could choose to enjoy that or not enjoy that. Then we did a little object lesson. We all held hands in a circle facing each other. We held hands by intertwining fingers. This is like our family. We're all hooked together. Then I had One turn her body so it was facing out. This was to represent her not wanting to be 'with' the family, or a part of the family. I asked the kids if because her back was turned that made her not in our circle. They agreed that even though she wasn't facing anyone, she was still a part of our circle, still in our family, we were still holding hands. I asked if it was fun for the rest of us to have her not being a part of our circle. They answered no. I asked her if she was having fun not being a part of our circle. She said no. Then we played a little game while still in this formation. We decided that we all had fun, except for One who wasn't playing because she wasn't facing us. We also decided that we wished she was facing us because she is fun to be with and we wanted her with us. Then we repeated the experiment with BoyTwo instead of One. Perhaps it was too desperate. I'm always trying to reach him. This didn't really work. Well, sort of. He agreed that he wanted to face the circle in the end, but when we went up to his room to talk, he didn't see how it was at all relevant to our actual family.
He thinks I don't like him because he has to do jobs. I pointed out that the other kids, along with me and Huz all do jobs and that was how families worked. He didn't care. I asked if he had to do anything at the orphanage. He said no, that someone always did it for him. I explained that was because that person was being paid. BoyTwo could either pay me to do his work, or Huz or one of his siblings. Because he doesn't have any money, this wouldn't work. Then I offered to take his bed, toys and clothes from him so that he wouldn't have to do any more jobs. I did think before making this offer as I am really good about follow through, so it wasn't just a blind threat. It was truly an offer to make his life easier in his mind. He readily agreed to this. I explained that he would have to wear the pajamas that he had on (at 11 o'clock he still wouldn't get dressed so, he was still in his pjs at 1) to church and to school. He said okay. I told him that as long as this was what he wanted and if it would help him to be happy, I would do this for him. He said yes.
So, now he sits on the floor of his room, in his pajamas. We have gone skiing today. He came with us and sat in the lodge in his pajamas the whole time. I continued to do my regular stuff around the house and peeked in on him periodically. At one point, he had a huge red scratch on his nose. I asked what had happened. He showed me how he was scooting around on the floor of his bedroom, crawling on his knees but not using his hands, his face sliding on the floor. He had given himself carpet burn. He thought it was fun. He's choosing to not eat with us because he doesn't want to clear his dishes, so instead he gets something that he can eat with his fingers (think apple, sandwich) that he won't have to clean up.
On one hand, I don't know that he is capable of making any sort of connection (gee, if I do my jobs, life is a whole lot better). On the other, he said he would rather have things this way than the other and so I'm going along with it. He's pretty stubborn so I can see this going on for a while.
This also explains why he is so mean to me and why he refuses to do anything that I ask, even when it's something simple like calling the entire family to come to dinner. Because I've said for everyone to come eat, he won't come. He doesn't recognize that I'm calling out to everyone to let them know that dinner is ready and not because I'm some control freak who is demanding her family eat NOW!!
I just don't know. It's kind of discouraging. Earlier today I was thinking about how much progress we had made, and how far we had come and how much closer we were to him feeling attached, even a little. And then this.
