Rambling Ranting

BoyTwo is a button pusher. Big time.

Today was picture day at school. Did he know this? Nope. Because he would try to sabotage it. Instead, I had everyone's things laying out and ready to go. I also had to be at the school first thing this morning for a field trip to the symphony (super cool!!) so preparation was key here.

He put on the wrong clothes two different times before dressing in the clothes that he was supposed to wear. He acted all innocent and surprised when I had him change into the clothes he was supposed to wear which, honestly, confuses me. Did he really not understand that he was to put on the clothes I handed him, even though I know full well that he DID understand what I was saying to him? Did he really 'forget'? Twice? The clothing that I had selected for him is clothing that he LIKES to wear, that he will choose for himself even, so it's not like he was trying to avoid wearing something that in his mind is dorky or that he dislikes wearing.

Then, this dingbat of a mother made the mistake of telling him that he needed to leave his shirt on. He had a t-shirt on underneath a button up shirt and I didn't want him taking the button up shirt off (just a casual button up, again, something that he's worn before) and being photographed in the tacky t-shirt. I wanted to send this picture to Ukraine to his bio family and to the orphanage. I really wanted him to look like a normal kid, not the big crazy that he is when he's at school. So yes, in retrospect, this was a mistake to say this to him. Even BoyOne pointed out that BoyTwo always leaves his shirt on, but that because I told him to leave it on, he did the opposite. He also proceeded to give other examples of this being the case. (not in a rude sort of way, but as he was lecturing his brother in Russian)

I got back from the field trip in time to pick up the other kids after school. His button up shirt was missing. As in not only was it NOT on his body, it was lost.

Are you kidding me?!

To the average person, this probably looks innocent.

Not so.

The child knew he was to keep his shirt on. He knew. Time and again he is doing the exact opposite of what is asked of him. I believe he is doing this on purpose. When I ask him what he was supposed to have done, he can ALWAYS tell me. (i.e. Yesterday he asked to go to the neighbors house. He already knows that this is not an option for him anymore as he has been STEALING from them (for the love of Pete!!). I told him no. He immediately went to their home. I called him back home and he told me he knew he wasn't supposed to go to their house, but he wanted to take more of their toys, yes right there admitting to me that he was going there to steal again and therefore did what he wanted. auuuuuugh.) So with the shirt, he knew. He KNEW! Part of me wanted to just let this go. So he took his shirt off. Big deal. He's a little boy. Who cares. But then I saw the look in his eyes where he is watching me with a sort of challenging glare to see if I'm going to let him get away with whatever it is he's done. I get so tired of these games! I know that if I let this go, then in his mind whether he is conscious of it or not, he thinks that he can choose when to obey. Then I wonder if I'm imagining this. Is he really testing me? Really?! Or is this part of a disability that he has where he truly is not capable of connecting thoughts and behaviors and actions? Is that challenging glare because he's feeling defensive because he knows he did something wrong even though he doesn't understand what or why? Is he looking at me like this because he is so used to being beat that he STILL after seven months can't even begin to understand that he is safe here, that we won't beat him? This is the tiring part I'm talking about.

When he finally found the shirt, consequently making us late for the next place we were supposed to be (by the way, I know enough to not let him know every detail of what is going on because he does try to sabotage things sometimes -and then I think maybe this isn't a disability, he really does mean to do the things that he does at times- and when he doesn't know, he cannot control what is going on. So, he didn't know that we were headed someplace else and therefore wasn't purposely trying to make us late as he sometimes does), I put the shirt on him backwards and buttoned it up. Like you do with your toddler who won't leave their diaper and pajamas on who then proceeds to poop in their crib and play Picasso while they are supposed to be napping.

My mind is exhausted. It's kind of mushy to begin with, and the fact that I constantly have to be thinking ahead, figuring out how to tell him no without actually saying no to avoid me being the one 'responsible' for his actions and placing that responsibility on him, attend school part time (no, I'm not in college as I had dreamed I someday would be, I attend first stinking grade), trying to figure out what is manipulation and control and what is truly innocent human error, etc., etc., etc., I have a hard time keeping up.

Sometimes I think that there is no way a child this young can be this messed up. I see evidences of a disability and am not sure how much I should attribute to this. I think that he cannot possibly be this manipulative and controlling. But, he's right there doing something to prove that he is! It is exhausting.

I'm tempted to pull him out of school because I feel like things that take place there undo what we do at home (sometimes people will tell him how great he is and that he is fantastic-his favorite praise word- after he has been running through the halls yelling, hitting kids, being disruptive, etc. because he does one little thing okay. This just reinforces that he can get away with his bad behavior. Why is that so hard for people to understand?! Tell him good job for writing his name, not that he is fantastic and had an awesome day when quite clearly he did NOT!! Granted they may not be aware of all the naughty, but please, just assume it has happened because I can guarantee that it has and just praise the one thing that is witnessed). I will not be doing this because, in the words of my wise husband, I would go crazy and then the rest of the family would go crazy with me.

I wonder how much I/we have done wrong. It's so hard to parent this craziness. You are always second guessing what you are doing or what you have done. Always wondering. Always thinking of other options for the next time. Always reading anything you can get your desperate little hands on. Always rehashing the past (I try not to do this one too much). It literally keeps me up all. night.

I really want to be more than a parole officer to this kid. I want to think he is darling and cute and eat ice cream together and blow kisses in his direction, but instead, I get to be a drill sergeant. All. The. Time. I also feel judged by people who have no idea what is going on. I know this shouldn't bother me, but right now it does. He flinches every time he gets in any sort of trouble and I am sure that people think it is because we beat him, not because he was beat so frequently before that he still recoils out of habit. On the flip side of being judged, I've had a couple kind, generous, caring people offer to take him from me for an hour to give me a break. I cannot do this. Part of it is pride. I don't want them returning him after this hour telling me how great he was and that he is so cute and that he behaved so well for them, because I know he would do that. And then a month later they would realize they were missing stuff. I fear that they would think to themselves that he is not so bad and decide that if I only did ________(fill in the blank) that he would be just fine and that maybe I am the real problem here. He is really good at acting cute for a first timer. The other reason I won't drop him off on someone else's doorstep for an hour is because during that hour he is playing and having fun and doing whatever the hell he wants because that's what people do with a kid like him because it's just an hour, you know?, and why should he be rewarded with a playdate when he is cahoots with the devil?! Also, the sobering fact that I then have to deal with the aftermath and it is just not worth it.

Do I love him? Yes. Do I like him? Yes. Do I like his behavior? Not a bit. Do I have any regrets? Nope. I'd still do this again. I'm really glad that we had to go through so much to get them here. It was a real blessing to have to deal with so much garbage. It is a reminder to me every day not so much that 'this was what I wanted' or 'this was what I signed up for', but a reminder that Heaven moved Earth to get them here and that there is a reason this boy is here with us. Often the only thing that I get right during the day is the times that I am bringing all my shortcomings before my Heavenly Father and pleading with Heaven to intervene in our behalf. I think that is one of the most interesting things that happens to us during a difficult time. We are made well aware of all the ways we fall short and in turn, given the opportunity to heavily rely on the Lord and on our Savior. Opportunity being the key. It is an opportunity to be taken, will we? It is abundantly clear that I cannot do this alone. That I do not have all the skills and know how to be the perfect parent to my children. Will this push me over the edge (sometimes I'm close) or will it drop me to my knees? I know that there are two sides rooting for me. One that wants to help me and see me succeed and another that whispers in my ear all. day. long. that I cannot do this. (Satan, get lost!) I also can't help but think that some of us (me) must be more hard headed than others to have to go to Ukraine three times in three months for one adoption and then have this party to go to every day. But at the end of the day (or the middle of the night), I usually (let's be honest, sometimes I pass out without praying) lay down committed to the one who cheers me on. Usually with food in hand. And not a vegetable.