Birthday Party

I'm slowing down in my old age. It was Three's birthday party this afternoon and I'm ready for bed now! I tried to simplify things, but it didn't really work out. I'm one of those crazy moms who loves parties. In the past I would come up with a theme. I guess I should say that I let the birthday kid choose the theme. The whole party would be dedicated to that theme. Then I decided that I needed to simplify and I eliminated themes for the past two birthday parties. I decided we'd just play plain old regular games and have cake and ice cream. Except that did not simplify anything! In fact, the parties felt more chaotic and were harder to throw. Maybe when I had a theme, I was better prepared. Who knows. Anyhow, we're going back to having themes.

I found an easy recipe for a yummy treat that I made today. Place as many mini pretzels on a jelly roll pan or cookie sheet as you would like. Put a rolo on top of the pretzel. Bake in a preheated oven of 275 for 3 minutes. When you take them out of the oven, press an m&m into the rolo. Yum.

I found a quote by Albert Einstein that I like. I have long held the opinion that there are many unrealized potentials in the world wether it be due to circumstance or desire, so this resonated with me.

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

I leave for Ukraine Sunday. We are planning on being able to bring the boys home this time. Finally!! I am hoping that this time things will go smoothly and quickly. And if not, well, it'll make for some good stories!

Horses

I was fortunate enough to attend a parent training seminar last week, thanks to the organization (Save a Child) that we hosted through. The seminar was given by a man, Lee Caldwell, who owns a horse ranch. He works with troubled youth and uses horse therapy with them, in addition to training horses.

So, I wasn't prepared to be in a horse arena all night. I wore white pants and flip flops. I don't know why, but I thought I'd be in a classroom looking at a white board or something. haha. Now that I think about it, it should have been obvious to me that since we were meeting at his ranch and that part of his program included working with horses, we would be in that setting. duh...

A lot of what he said can be applied to parenting in general, troubled youth or not. He taught us about our children by teaching us about his horses. I'll tell you what he said about his horses and you see if you agree that it can all be applied to the human race.

*having inner peace is a base motivation. They want to feel safe, secure, have their needs met, and have some sort of companionship.

*develop a routine. They thrive on knowing what to expect.

*it has to be their choice. If you want a horse to do something, you can force it, or you can teach it. It all depends on what kind of a relationship you want with the horse.

*its first defense is flight

*the greatest conflict is over loss of choice. (think Spirit, the cartoon movie)

*they need safe, secure, predictable leadership that is consistent, immediate and positive

*teach that obedience pays off for them personally (natural consequences)

*make it easy for them. Don't saddle them for the first time and jump them on the same day.

*it's never good to try to teach when they (or you) are tired

*keep your expectations high, but accept their best

During the three hours we were there I feel that I learned a lot. Both from Lee and the other attendees. The thing that stuck out to me the very most though, was one of the last things that he taught. He had a horse who had been bred to be an amazing creature. His breeding lines were impressive-even to someone who knows nothing about horses. When this little colt was born, he was a fire cracker. His owner thought that he could force him to be tame. He had lots of money and lots of experience with other horses. None of what he did worked though. So, he put the horse up for sale. This colt grew into a wild stallion and was quickly purchased by another person who knew what the first owner had done wrong. They were ready to show this horse who was boss and tame him and turn him into the creature he was meant to be. They later admitted defeat and sold him to a third buyer who was prepared to stay in it for the long haul until they could break this horse and train him and show him and race him and breed him. They eventually gave up. This is when Lee stepped into the picture. He had first noticed this horse when he was for sale the first time. He was shocked that he was being sold in the first place and for such a low price. Lee continued to follow this horse casually until eventually he ended up as his owner.

The first thing he did was to gain his trust through providing the horse with safety, security and by meeting his needs. Later he began to train this horse. He would apply a little pressure during the training so as to push the horse a little, but when the horse showed signs of distress, he quickly deferred back to providing the horse with something that was easy for him. A routine that provided safety and security and predictable expectations. Eventually Lee was able to train this horse and to ride him. Lee really loved this horse. He brought the horse out to show us. After he rode him, he dismounted and took the saddle off the horse and turned to us, saying what I considered to be the most profound lesson of the evening,

"When he's done (being ridden), he always rolls (in the dirt) with or without the saddle. I learned a long time ago to just take the saddle off."

Light. Bulb. Moment.

Yes, Lee trained this horse. He made more of him than any of his three previous owners ever imagined possible. The horse visibly respected Lee and knew that Lee was in charge. They had a relationship of trust. But at the end of the night, when the horse was done doing everything he had been taught, he wanted and needed to roll in the dirt. The cool thing to me was that Lee recognized this and still accepted him. In the end the horse had been trained and guided to achieve his full potential. And he was a really great horse. A really beautiful horse. A well-mannered horse. An obedient horse. A dependable horse. A talented horse.

But he still liked to roll in the dirt.

This isn't a lesson that some things never change. It is a lesson that sometimes WE are the ones that need to change.

Fair v. Equal

This week I was in a meeting at our local elementary school discussing the upcoming year and back-to-school assembly. The theme for the school year is 'Go for the Gold!' The idea is to encourage the kids to try their very best, and to have fun and enjoy and appreciate the experience. Because the summer Olympics will be held during the summer following the school year, we also thought it would be appropriate and fun to tie in the Olympics. Each grade will be representing a country and will learn about that country as part of their curriculum (this was the teachers' idea). We will be hosting a family fun Olympic night where families can come to the school and participate in the mock Summer Olympics, among other things.

For the back-to-school assembly, we are having the Opening Ceremonies. Each class will decorate a flag to denote their 'city/family' within their grades' country. Then, with the Olympic theme music playing, each class will enter the gym, carrying their flag. Like the march of the athletes or whatever it is called. Our cool new principal will be MC-ing and has been practicing his microphone voice. We will have 'runners' run around the gym with a 'torch' (fake, just in case anybody is concerned...) and light the Olympic torch. So much fun. The kids love it. I've actually seen something similar done before at another school we attended.

My job as the rep from the PTO is to prepare the materials for the class flags so that on Monday morning they can be handed out to the teachers to be decorated. Easy peasy! Wrong. I, of course, was planning on having each 'flag' be the same size and was thinking that the teachers and their classes would be able to use their combined creativity to prepare their flags. After all, each country within the world has their own flag that they have created. Someone asked for an example flag to be available so that the teachers understood what to do. I was a little confused, thinking that it really couldn't be much more clear. The person went on to say that they needed an example so that one class didn't color their flag with crayons and handwriting and another use a Cricket machine (an automatic cutting machine to cut stenciled letters and pictures). She then said one of my least favorite lines:

"Because it wouldn't be fair."

Ever since we moved up here, that is a huge concern with waaaaaaaay too many people. I hear it all the time. 'We can't have a contest because not everyone would win-and that wouldn't be fair,' 'we can't display student exhibits of those who participated in a state wide event because those kids who chose not to participate might feel badly-and it wouldn't be fair,' 'we can't have individual classroom holiday parties, because what if that class has a better treat than this class-it wouldn't be fair.'

Are you freaking kidding me. Seriously.

Call me crazy, but I'd hate for my kids to grow up thinking that life was equal and that everything was equal regardless of effort. I am of the opinion that people are confusing fair with equal. What they want is for everything to be the same, which to me means equal. Fair is when there is a contest and everyone has an equal opportunity to participate, but only a few kids win. Fair is when a student works really hard on a project for a fair and gets to display his/her work. Fair allows for creativity to prevail and at times for logical consequences to take place which might actually mean you don't win, or get the same thing as your neighbor. Fair means that sometimes, things just might not be the same.

If my kid works really hard and wins something, she learns that hard work brings reward. If she works really hard and doesn't win, well then, that's okay. Because guess what?! That is real life. It's great to work really hard on something and simply learn to enjoy the feeling of satisfaction from doing your very best, and from simply participating. I do not want my kids growing up believing that mediocrity is the only requirement in life and that they will still be able to 'win.' I would way rather them learn these little lessons during childhood than as a spoiled adult when the stakes are much higher. Someone is always going to have a bigger house and a faster, more expensive car. Someone may choose to vacation at a resort while others prefer to camp. This doesn't mean it is unfair. It just means that we are each different people having different life experiences. Certainly life is not always fair or equal. My Ukrainian kids are prime examples of this. Do I wish that they had been given a better start to life? Heck, yes! (there's the Utah in me) Do I wish that they had been spared the difficulties they have endured thus far? Absolutely. However, I don't want them to always win. I don't want them to always have everything everyone else has or everything they want. And heaven knows this hasn't been a problem so far! What has been a problem is that in their country there was a long period of time where a government tried to make everyone the same. They tried to make everything 'fair.' And that still carries over there today. Here, too. Everyone wants something for nothing. There is no incentive to try harder or to do better or more. Because for a long time, it didn't matter how hard you tried or what you did, the result was the same. I think that mentality is dangerous and sad. It will produce disappointing results and a collective feeling of indifference.

Yes, I actually want my kids to lose. I want them to lose so that I can help them see that it's not the end of the world. I want them to lose so that I can help them to understand that they still have great worth and that they can still feel good about themselves because they did a great job. I want them to lose so that they will see that we still love them. I want them to know that winning or being the very best can be fun and exciting, but that it is not the most important thing in this world. And yes, I try to provide these learning opportunities at home, but I'd like for them to see it in other life situations, too.

With my Ukrainian kids, I anticipate having to teach this from the opposite perspective. Here, my bio kids get it drilled into them that no matter what they do everything will be awesome!!! There, my Ukrainian kids learn from experience that no matter what they do, everything just sucks. I hope that I have enough time with them to help them see the beauty of the world. I want them to have a desire to try despite their past. I want them to know that good things can still happen. I pray that they will be able to recognize that they have worth and value as a human being and as a child of God. I want them to know that no matter what, we love them. That's going to be a hard one, I'm afraid. To convince them that love is not conditional and that it doesn't go away may take a lifetime. I just wish we could get them here so we could have a more hands on approach!!

It's Been Awhile!

Wow! I can't believe that I've been home for almost 4 weeks. It feels like just yesterday. And my computer won't let me post any pictures. Sorry. Life is so busy, as you all know, getting ready for school and trying to cram as many summer activities in as humanly possible before the start of school. I hate when school starts. I always have. Summer flew by this year. It always does. We have a new principal (Hallelujah!!!) and I anticipate this school year will be better than last.

I don't even know where to start. That's the problem when you take a long break from any sort of journaling, when there is still a lot going on. My flights home were fine. I met some very nice people on each leg which made the time go by quickly. My last flight out of Chicago was cancelled. The plane was broken. At first I was annoyed, thinking to myself 'why me?' Then I realized that I was lucky that it was discovered the plane was broken BEFORE we got into the air. So the 'why me' quickly turned into a 'thanks for watching over me.' My flight was supposed to get in at 8:30 p.m. The airline was able to find another plane that could take the place of the broken plane but we had to wait for that plane to arrive, deplane and get ready. We finally boarded at 8:30 and I landed at 11:15. The girls were so happy to see me that they started crying. They were also very tired. We made it home at 1 a.m. The first week I was home I slept up in their room with them. While I will admit that after being away for that long it was hard to get used to their constant and loud chatter again, I was and am so very glad to be back with them.

So, for the adoption update. It may appear that not much has been going on, due to the lack of posting. That is not at all true. In fact, there has been so much going on that I can barely keep up with it myself, let alone record it all. In my mind I told myself to hold off because I know that things can change so quickly, and boy is that the understatement of the year!! If you had asked me a week ago when I thought we'd be bringing the boys home, I would have said that it probably wasn't going to happen. In fact, I told my mom not to buy their birthday presents as I was certain the adoption was going to fall through. Each day has been back and forth, up and down, all over the place. What's been going on? Well, I could tell you the whole long drawn out story, or I could summarize with just one word. Extortion. I'll give you the very brief story.

Two weeks ago we were anticipating hearing from the attorney as to who our assigned judge would be, and if said judge was good. Then we were prepared to wait another two weeks while we were assigned a court date, which should have put us at tomorrow, hearing when court had been scheduled. Instead, we received a call sixteen days ago telling us that court was going to be the next day and we needed to wire a large sum of money immediately. Well, because I wasn't born yesterday, and because I was smart enough to get a written agreement from the attorney before leaving (not that it amounts to much...), we quickly recognized that we were being scammed. Let me tell you how odd it is to be involved in something like this. It is so bizarre. And, at times, comical. Other times, infuriating. Okay, this is already longer than I intended. Back to the long story short version. We took a chance and told them, verbatim, that we were not willing to pay a ransom for our boys and that we were very annoyed that they were essentially being held hostage from us. We then offered an additional (much smaller) payment to help cover the 'unanticipated' costs of this 'difficult' case... blah blah blah. I seriously don't think I could make up the conversations we have had or the communications we have received in the past two weeks if I tried. My word.

Throughout the craziness of this all, one thing has remained-the feeling of peace. I truly thought that we would not be completing this adoption and although I was worried for the boys and sad for our loss, I had an overwhelming sense of peace that all would work out as the Lord had intended. We have always wanted what was best for BoyOne and BoyTwo, for His will to be done, even if that meant that we were not supposed to adopt the boys. We were willing to do whatever was best for them and to help to improve their quality of life, so I figured things were headed in that direction. But, as things so often do in the world of adoption (and the world in general), things changed quickly. We are now in the ten day wait for the birth certificate to be annulled. The biological parents of the boys have been and still are in favor of the adoption. The boys are still asking when we are coming back to take them home. As of earlier today, there have been no additional demands for money and no 'appeals' to the courts ruling. Knock on wood. I say 'as of earlier today' because who knows what will go on during their Friday, which is just beginning.

I miss Ukraine. I miss BoyOne and BoyTwo. I still have trouble sleeping at night (as I always have) and more often than not, my thoughts turn to those people I came to know and love during my time in Ukraine. Why them? Why not me? I think about how the only difference between us all is our opportunity. Opportunity economically, socially, educationally, spiritually. I truly believe that the knowledge of a Supreme Being, of a God that is literally a Father in Heaven, can change the world. I know that His son, Jesus Christ, did change the world. I've never been one to wonder on that. I guess I'm blessed with easy faith in those two things. There are things that I wonder about or questions that arise, but I have never doubted the surety of those two beings. To know that in my own little mind is one thing. To literally see it, or the lack of it, is another. There are times during the day, however, that I wish for the simplicity of their country. Although they deal with poverty and corruption on a much larger scale than we ever will, we deal with having so much that it becomes easy to get lost in the day to day. I still get sick to my stomach thinking about those beautiful, wonderful children of God who live in orphanages throughout this world. I wonder what is happening this very minute to the ones we met during our first trip there who have 'graduated' and are now on their own. I wanted to try to help some of them when we went back. Nobody knows where they are or where they went. They sort of just disappear.

While I was in Ukraine I asked Yana, my amazing translator, several times, how she could continue her line of work. She is a translator mostly for people who are coming to adopt. She also volunteers at and has worked in orphanages. Natasha, our equally amazing translator in Kyiv, does the same. I asked them both how they could bear to go back, time and again, to see these children in these circumstances and how it did not overwhelm them. Yana shared with me that she felt like this in the beginning, but then she realized she had to get over herself and her emotions and continue to go back for the sake of the children. At the beach one day, two boys came up to her. She knew them from the orphanages. She had taught them. She had taught their siblings. She had seen them grow up there and now they were on their own. She knows so many children. The children at the orphanage recognize her and love her. She said to me that she didn't think she could ever be a mother because she wasn't a strong enough person. But I know she IS strong enough. She is a mother to all of these children. Thank heavens for these women and others like them.