Tuesday I did something that I should have done nearly five months ago. I invested in some boy specific toddler toys. After watching BoyTwo play with our little people houses and then seeing how fascinated he was with my one year old nephew's toys, I disregarded everything I had heard discouraging me from encouraging his regression (and merely allowing and accepting it during the actual physical act) and took myself down the toddler isle at the store.
Merry Christmas me. Seriously. This kid was mesmerized, amazed and immediately, without a shadow of a doubt, became completely and absolutely two again. Right down to the hitting and yelling 'mine!' The Merry-Christmas-me part is because it was so appropriate for him! He played appropriately, he was entertained, he was engaged. I've never seen him so comfortable or relaxed or peaceful ever. And, it kept him really occupied. For a couple of HOURS!! This is the kid whose attention span is usually, no joke, about 30 seconds. It was a Christmas miracle. Should have done this a long time ago. Moms, trust your gut. We ARE always right:)
Dishes. Last night BoyOne was noticing for the first time that we have a dishwasher, as in the machine, not me. I do hand wash quite a few dishes, which is probably why he never noticed until now that we had a dishwasher. He asked how it worked, watched me load it, watched me unload it, watched where I put the soap, watched which buttons I pushed and then opened it a couple of times while it was running just to check things out a bit. It was an interesting thing to observe him doing all this. Today he came home from school and was literally two minutes ahead of me (I saw him go inside, but was picking up Four from the neighbor's house). I walked into the house in time to see him proudly push the start button on the dishwasher. He showed me how he had unloaded and put away, best he could, all the dishes and then loaded and started the dishwasher for me. In two minutes. How stinkin' cute is that?! Seriously. Picture your four year old doing this to surprise you. It was that cute. He was so pleased with himself that I think had he won a gold medal at the Olympics he wouldn't have seemed this happy. When he wasn't looking, I snuck a look inside the dishwasher to see what he had put in there. Oh my melt. 3 tupperwares, 5 mini bowls, an 8 ounce measuring cup, and two small baking dishes. It took up approximately 1/4 of the space inside. The bowls were facing up. It was seriously one of the cutest things I have ever seen. I even took a picture, which I would post IF our hard drive had been replaced. Which it hasn't. grumpy sigh.
Barbecue. I left the school early today and met three of my dear friends down in town for some barbecue. The food was really, really good. The company was even better! It has been way too long since the four of us have been together. I'm definitely the weakest link here. Two of the girls are still neighbors and the third, get this, traveled from Idaho to be here with us. How's that for dedication and love?! We only had about two hours, which for women is never enough time, let alone women that had not seen each other in nearly a year, but boy did we make good use of our time. We have been through a lot together, well I guess I should say that THEY have all been through a lot and I tried to be there with baked goods and such during these times:) I left feeling great. Thanks girls. You rock. Okay, I have to tell you how awesome they are. So awesome!! One of them gives me all of her boys' clothes for my boys saving me TONS of money and time spent shopping. Another is always finding out information for me to better help my kids (think CHADD, and SPD support groups and therapies available, along with the latest advocate info for IEPs and 504s. This is really time consuming, so it's a real life saver). And after my post that ended with me saying 'pass the chocolate,' about a week later I received a package in the mail from the third. A box of chocolates with a note that said 'pass the chocolate'. Are you freaking kidding me?! I told you, awesome.
Plus, I was able to parallel park my suburban which always makes me feel happy because I do a pretty good job. Instant gratification is hard to come by these days and really insignificant things like parking my car help me feel better about life. haha
Thanks for the boy specific toddler toy advice. I think I will be taking you up on the advice in a few months, as I noticed the same phenomenon when my host boys have been here both times.
ReplyDeleteRegression is very normal in adopted kids. I'm surprised anyone was discouraging you from encouraging him to regress! That frustrates me!
ReplyDeleteBoth my kids regressed when we brought them home. Eli went back in to diapers, wouldn't dress himself, and stopped talking for a while. I fed him, and let him feed me, in the hopes of bonding.
Amelia went through something similar (she's 6 and in kindergarten). She's never had an accident, but wouldn't dress herself for a while. And even now she will sometimes ask for help with things she knows how to do. I can see in her eyes that she just wants experience what a mom and dad are all about.
The purpose for regression is to live out developmental milestones they didn't get to experience as an orphan. They need to do this, and it's a great bonding experience, although quite frustrating at times. I think all adopted kids go through this, just at different levels. And it depends on the quality of their childhood, too. Some kids adjust faster, some slower. Eli was a fast adjuster, Amelia has been slower.
You're right...trust your mom instincts! You're doing a great job with the kids...keep it up!
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ReplyDeleteWe have regressive behavior too. One thing I did was buy Alex his own teddy bear. He slept with it, he talked to it....and he was 11 almost 12! He still keeps it on his bed and I noticed it on the floor or under his bed the last couple of weeks and told him if he didn't want it, to put it in the toy room with the other stuff animals - thinking his phase of needing this stuffed toy was over? Nope, it is now placed on the center of his bed each day. And now we're almost closer to 14 than 13.
ReplyDeleteThe other really regressive behavior we have is the need to be held and touched. Usually not a pre-teen behavior - at this point it's more of "Ewww...yuck mom, don't kiss me." Where as Alex LOVES to be kissed and hugged and sometimes he will still climb on my lap and let me hold him. All five foot 3 of him!
Whoever told you not to let them regress? Of course you don't want to ONLY let them regress but it's important to let them experience what they missed. Let them be little and safe and loved - because when the were actually hitting those ages and milestones last time, they didn't have that.
Good for you Steph. And good for you to get together with your friends. Having great friends makes life worthwhile!
However, I must admit, I am baffled that you don't have Boy One loading and unloading the dishwasher already - perhaps I am a slave drive but Alex has had his own dish night since he arrived. I just figured, I expect it of my other children and since he's all about equality - he got equal chores from the get go! The dishwasher was fascinating - for the first week or two - but now, like his siblings, it's no big deal!
the problem right now is that I am alone most evenings with the crazies. I mean the kids. (I know you are too, Wendy, so I feel like that's a lame excuse:)) I have always been very strict with requiring them to help around the house, but lately it's all we can do to get the homework done and I have totally abandoned all hopes of jobs happening. The whole reason that I didn't initially have the boys help with dishes was because of their poor personal hygiene. It totally grosses me out that they still don't wash their hands after using the bathroom, etc. Another problem we had was understanding the idea of dishes needing to be clean. BoyOne will use his dishes and then try to put them, silverware included, back into the cupboards and drawers. Which honestly makes me wonder what they did at the orphanage... Anyhow, so the first month they were here, my biggest challenge with them was making sure that they put dirty stuff where it went. We still have to really watch this. I didn't like them to help with dishes because they were still so dirty. I know that sounds bad, but it was really gross for awhile. Really gross. I know you know what I mean. Anyhow, instead of things starting to get easier, they fell apart even more, mainly at school. I will admit that because I am in such a mode of survival lately (past two or so months) that I have not had the kids consistently doing chores. We have a chore chart and it is posted and they are totally taking advantage of there only being one of me. You will be proud of me though that I made everyone stay home today and help me clean up.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the lovey-ness, we see that a lot in our older boy, too. He doesn't like to cuddle so much but he thrives on verbal affirmations and hugs and sitting close to us. They both have their own special blanket and stuffed animal that is just theirs that they sleep with each night. For me, the biggest change in handling regression was with the toys.
I sat both of my girls down today and explained that they are going to be having daily/weekly chores to do. I've been really bad at it so far because of all the other stuff going on in my life right now and it's SO much easier and faster to just do it myself. I figured it was never going to get better though and these girls won't know how to run their own house if I don't get on with something. They had a small amount to do today and next week it's going to be a lot more. The hard part was explaining to Ira that she will have quite a bit more expected of her than Little One does and NO, it does NOT mean she is loved any less. It's just that she has the hight and motor skills to handle more things and as Little One gets bigger she'll be expected to do more too. It actually went over much better than I expected. :)
ReplyDeleteWe just talked about regression in our Foster Care classes. Our teacher suggested that you treat your child at what ever age they are acting. He recommended that we read "The Whole Brain Child" by Daniel Siegel. Have you heard of it? I'm interested in reading it.
ReplyDeleteI love the picture of one. We need to get our kids out skiing.
Good luck with the dyslexia stuff. It will be interesting to hear what you learn.
Miss you Steph.