Valentine's Week

It feels like Valentine's Day was months ago. You know the days, weeks, and months that go like that:)

Monday started great! If you recall, I attended a field trip with Two all day that I had actually forgotten about and wasn't super excited about. Honestly, it was a huge blessing in disguise. I had been asked specifically by the teacher to attend as she would not be there. Well, wouldn't you know? One of the other parents in attendance has a son who was just diagnosed with dyslexia. She was a wealth of knowledge and gave me some good tips. Thank you Heavenly Father!! (by the way, working on getting an appointment with a neuropsychologist as this is the professional that officially diagnoses dyslexia. Problem now is that insurance won't cover the $2000 test citing it is supposedly covered in the 'no child left behind' act?! School says that they do not diagnose, only test to qualify a student for services to assist in making sure said child is not 'left behind.' aughhhhhh!!!) The field trip was great and I enjoyed spending time in the great outdoors herding children. It was especially good for me to see Two in a school setting outside the classroom to see how she is handling her SPD these days. Poor kid. Why do some have to struggle so much? I guess I know that answer. I just wish that every day life wasn't such a challenge for her.

After school a situation arose with BoyOne that caused us, as parents, to do a reality check. I forget that the boys haven't always been here, I mean not really, but things have been going just the way they have been going for so long, it feels like forever ago that it was any different. Anyhow, we realized that we were allowing for way too much 'slack in the leash'. No, we don't literally leash our children (although when we visit southern Utah and hike the red rocks we well may leash BoyTwo for his safety and I don't want to hear anything about it in that case), this is strictly metaphorical. Huz handled this particular situation because it was between them. This was a little hard for me because I am usually the disciplinarian in the family and it was hard for me to mind my own business. haha.

Monday led (obviously) into Tuesday and because of the previous night's events, it was pretty ugly for BoyOne. Which was unfortunate, being that it was Valentine's Day. I need to tell you how it broke my heart to watch BoyOne watching his younger siblings prepare for their class Valentine's Day parties. He will never have that. Yes, we had a family party. Yes, he bought some Valentines for a few people and passed them out. Yes, we tried to make it just as special for him as it was for the littles. But no matter what, it isn't the same. It was just one of those moments when it hit me hard that I can't take away the pain of his past or the fact that I wasn't there for it. :(

I dreaded BoyOne coming home from school Tuesday. He can be quite moody and it takes a lot out of me to deal with it. I was at the elementary (surprise!) and he got home from school about ten minutes before I arrived home. He left the house with the dog, which I wasn't super excited about. I knew he had jetted the second he saw I was gone so that he wouldn't have to see me until he wanted to. I was concerned because I was needing to leave again soon and I couldn't see where he was. He came home within about ten minutes and although he wouldn't really look at me or talk to me, I did get a grunt. He went straight up to his room (again, totally dreading this because I thought I was going to have to go get him because he was going to need to leave the house with me). As I prepared for the worst, he surprised me and headed down the stairs all on his own, carrying a Valentine for me. Long story (and post) short, he handled himself remarkably well. He interacted and played with his siblings during the afternoon hours, helped with his jobs, and was downright pleasant, although very much avoiding me. We have learned that when he is like this it is his thinking time. He goes through different phases of feeling angry then hurt, victimized, realizing what he did was wrong, feeling bad, feeling embarrassed, avoiding us while gaining courage to come to us and then in the end he comes around. Every time he goes through this process, he is more bearable during his phases. We haven't had to ask him to apologize for a long time. He comes to this on his own. Granted it may take a few days sometimes, but usually it only takes a day or so and it is his process that works for him.

By dinner time things were all good with the seven of us at home. When Huz came home, things were a little tense, but we still had a great evening together, all of us, eating our 'heart' meal. (heart shaped meatballs, heart shaped rolls, 'heart' of romaine salad, red stripey jello, and pink lemonade mixed with sprite bubbly in our mishmash of fancy stemware, followed by sugar cookies that were not dairy free, but totally worth it) Sure enough, a little later and on his own, he found Huz and apologized for what had happened.

As I watched him struggle through this all day, I noticed that he was growing up. Not just in his actions, but he is getting taller, his face is changing. It made me sad, yet again, that I had missed so much of his life.

Wednesday started out great! Until I received a few emails from teachers about BoyOne. Poor kid hasn't had the best week. But, he handled it like a champ. I had a couple of awesome friends that took my other kids for me so that I could go back to the school with BoyOne and BoyTwo (he just tagged along) to spend nearly three hours there working things out with teachers. I had to cancel my whole evening. Actually, his. He missed a soccer game and a church activity and a basketball practice. He was not happy, but again, handled it well. There were many sad tears, but no lashing out or raging. I was so proud of him. We have our work cut out for us academically. I will need to homeschool him two classes this summer and he will have to take one online course starting in a couple of weeks, but if we can get that all done then he can move on to 9th grade. Big sigh of relief from him (and me).

Today two kids were home sick and I was feeling pretty crummy myself, but my sister is in town and wanted to come ski with us, so after basketball practice for the middle girls we headed over. We had the mountain to ourselves. Seriously. There were only about ten other skiiers/snowboarders. BoyOne is a natural athlete and is working on his 180 and 360 on his snowboard off of jumps. (one of my girlfriends told me to just wait until he comes home and tells me he pulled off a back flip. I seriously CAN wait. I about pass out from anxiety when he goes off these jumps as it is) One is catching onto snowboarding, finally. She spent the first half of the season bugged that her older brother was better at it than her. She did better tonight than I've ever seen her do. She even went down some jumps without falling. Way to go toots! Two, Three and BoyTwo are maniacs. They go straight down the hill. Full speed ahead. Every once in awhile they like to give me a heart attack by flying through moguls and going off jumps. Because they are all so little, they fly. Four is finally as confident and able as she was at the end of last season which makes skiing a lot more fun and less work when we go. My sister has picked it up remarkably fast and, like before, is far braver than I. I wouldn't try the rails this time. I still have bruising from when I attempted them last time. That and I'm pretty sure I'll need to wear a depends.

So, tonight we ate dinner at 9:30 and then everybody fell into bed. Except me:) Here I sit typing, in between loads of dishes and laundry, marveling at this life of mine. There are a lot of times during the day where I feel like I'm drowning. Like there is just no way possible that I can keep up or do all that is required of me. And then we'll have a really great day or evening together. I remember that while it's nice to have clean clothes to wear, it's not totally necessary. I remember that even though I'm a stay at home mom who is never actually home, I am in the business of raising kids and if that means the house is trashed and we eat at 9:30, so be it. The progress that I see the kids each making (biological kids as well) is inspiring. Most days it is depressing because it feels like we are taking nine steps back for every one step forward. I worry that I might fail them as their mom, the one person who is supposed to advocate for them and make sure they get as fair a shot as possible at life through the things I teach them. But, after a week like this, that has been really, really rough? I honestly see the beauty of the progress in it. It's like the harder it is to get through a situation, the more I appreciate the little victories. The one thing that really keeps me going (besides the good people I am surrounded by) is the Lord being ever present. He continues to show me His presence in my daily life, wether I deserve it or not. That's the beauty of His love and of the atonement. It's always there and never fails. Even, and maybe more appropriately ESPECIALLY, when I do.

p.s. the elementary put BoyTwo on the bus today by accident. I made them radio the bus and have it pull over until I caught up with it and got him off. I'm still not willing to take that risk. The principal was awesome. He (obviously) was very apologetic about the mishap and even offered to ride the bus with BoyTwo when the day comes that we think he might be ready. I didn't have the heart to tell him it might not be until high school:)