Today BoyTwo asked for a new family. This is not a new request of his, but it is one that we haven't heard from him for a while. In the past when he's wanted a new family, he will approach anyone he sees and ask them to be his family because _________ (you fill in the blank. He doesn't like us, we don't love him, we don't feed him, we're mean, etc.) Hopefully that doesn't start up again.
I tried something a little different today. I again told him that he could not have a new family, that we were a family forever. I asked him why he wanted a new family. Why didn't he want to be with us? He doesn't like me. He doesn't like sisters. We are mean. He doesn't like girls. (Huz tried to play that off as a left over orphanage thing, they generally have very little respect for women at all, but I'm not so sure. He's been here over a year. He likes his sisters. Or I guess I should say he likes Four. He has little to no use for the other three, but I KNOW he likes Four...) Then he said what I think is what this is really about,
"I no like you. You make me do jobs. You make me fix my bed, put clothes away, do homework."
Forget the fact that he has fewer responsibilities than anyone else in the entire family. He's chronologically eight, but he functions more like a four year old, so there's not a whole lot he can do/handle. Forget the fact that Huz also makes him do things, I just am around more.
me: "Does Dad make you do jobs?"
him: "a little"
me: "But you like Dad and not Mom?"
him: "yes"
I told him that he was always going to be part of our family, but only he could choose to enjoy that or not enjoy that. Then we did a little object lesson. We all held hands in a circle facing each other. We held hands by intertwining fingers. This is like our family. We're all hooked together. Then I had One turn her body so it was facing out. This was to represent her not wanting to be 'with' the family, or a part of the family. I asked the kids if because her back was turned that made her not in our circle. They agreed that even though she wasn't facing anyone, she was still a part of our circle, still in our family, we were still holding hands. I asked if it was fun for the rest of us to have her not being a part of our circle. They answered no. I asked her if she was having fun not being a part of our circle. She said no. Then we played a little game while still in this formation. We decided that we all had fun, except for One who wasn't playing because she wasn't facing us. We also decided that we wished she was facing us because she is fun to be with and we wanted her with us. Then we repeated the experiment with BoyTwo instead of One. Perhaps it was too desperate. I'm always trying to reach him. This didn't really work. Well, sort of. He agreed that he wanted to face the circle in the end, but when we went up to his room to talk, he didn't see how it was at all relevant to our actual family.
He thinks I don't like him because he has to do jobs. I pointed out that the other kids, along with me and Huz all do jobs and that was how families worked. He didn't care. I asked if he had to do anything at the orphanage. He said no, that someone always did it for him. I explained that was because that person was being paid. BoyTwo could either pay me to do his work, or Huz or one of his siblings. Because he doesn't have any money, this wouldn't work. Then I offered to take his bed, toys and clothes from him so that he wouldn't have to do any more jobs. I did think before making this offer as I am really good about follow through, so it wasn't just a blind threat. It was truly an offer to make his life easier in his mind. He readily agreed to this. I explained that he would have to wear the pajamas that he had on (at 11 o'clock he still wouldn't get dressed so, he was still in his pjs at 1) to church and to school. He said okay. I told him that as long as this was what he wanted and if it would help him to be happy, I would do this for him. He said yes.
So, now he sits on the floor of his room, in his pajamas. We have gone skiing today. He came with us and sat in the lodge in his pajamas the whole time. I continued to do my regular stuff around the house and peeked in on him periodically. At one point, he had a huge red scratch on his nose. I asked what had happened. He showed me how he was scooting around on the floor of his bedroom, crawling on his knees but not using his hands, his face sliding on the floor. He had given himself carpet burn. He thought it was fun. He's choosing to not eat with us because he doesn't want to clear his dishes, so instead he gets something that he can eat with his fingers (think apple, sandwich) that he won't have to clean up.
On one hand, I don't know that he is capable of making any sort of connection (gee, if I do my jobs, life is a whole lot better). On the other, he said he would rather have things this way than the other and so I'm going along with it. He's pretty stubborn so I can see this going on for a while.
This also explains why he is so mean to me and why he refuses to do anything that I ask, even when it's something simple like calling the entire family to come to dinner. Because I've said for everyone to come eat, he won't come. He doesn't recognize that I'm calling out to everyone to let them know that dinner is ready and not because I'm some control freak who is demanding her family eat NOW!!
I just don't know. It's kind of discouraging. Earlier today I was thinking about how much progress we had made, and how far we had come and how much closer we were to him feeling attached, even a little. And then this.
After big holidays, we always see some new behaviors, and January and June (school out) are often tough months here for the oldest where it can be 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. Hang in there, and I find sometimes it is best not to analyze too much as what I am often seeing is purely survival behavior. I know that improved language and reasoning skills that only come with time helped tremendously in making the connections that years of role playing, conversations, examples, videos, games, etc. tried to do. One day, it finally clicked.
ReplyDeleteI understand your son's circumstances are unique, and I agree that this sounds more like boy-two behavior than anything else. I have been reading Swiss Family Robinson and have just gotten past the description of the personalities of the four boys, all unique and one in particular rather self-focused. In my own life, I've been having issues with my biological son of fifteen years. He has yet to yell I hate you at me like his sister, girl two, did when I yelled at the dog for peeing on the floor. The boy is just rude and contrary. I don't like it, but I refuse to fight with him about it. So, we live separate lives, I ignore him. Girl two is like this, also. She will be 21 in January and has been living out of the house at university for most of the past two-and-a-half years. We are just now getting to the point where she will talk to me without being rude. This is a personality trait they have, not a disability. It is their nature, not the way they have been nurtured. During her early years, girl two was what I describe as crabby - didn't want to talk, wanted only certain things and in a certain way, and was/is definitely hard on friends. Her older sister is the opposite. All three - girls one and two and boy one - were raised in pretty much the same circumstances - we've always lived in the same town, they've always had the same parents, they've all gone to the same school system. Then, four years ago as of April 2013, boy two came to live with us. He has his moments of anger and sorrow and fear and neediness, but generally I describe as being more like girl one. Isn't that odd. I know this is just part of my story and doesn't help you, but it soulds like your boy might, in part, be trying to get by on old behaviors and trying to deal with life as he knows it the best he can. Be encouraged. He knows enough to play this card that supposedly worked somewhere else. If you let go, though, he won't develop. Keep up the good work and prayer. Try some really really basic behavior modification and reinforcement techniques. Reward his stomach, which in turn will reward his brain.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you that you are doing an awesome job! You always amaze me and If I turn out to be half the mom you are I will be doing great in life! I promise I didn't forget about having dinner with you guys! Life just gets more and more crazy so it may have to be after the wedding but seeing all these pictures lately make me miss you and the kids so much! I can't beleive how big they are and that I was babysitting just yesterday (at least that is what it seems like) when they were itty bitty! And please dont underestimate your works! They will pay off and you are handling everything the best you know how and probably a lot better than any of us could handle things! Seriously, you are amazing! Hope to see you and the family soon!
ReplyDeleteThis made me think of my son. My biological 18 year old son that would rather give up driving privileges than make his bed and do a measly chore around the house. Seriously? Is that so much to ask for in return for a car and insurance? Apparently. He went two months without driving and then HAD to get driving privileges back for work. I changed his daily chore to a larger one time weekly chore - and he does it, if reminded. He does not make his bed. Ever.
ReplyDeleteThis child has been with me since birth. Made his bed since he was 5. Done a daily chore since he was 6 or 7? ((SIGH))
In other news, Alex got a fortune cookie about how if you suppress your anger you could save yourself a day of sorrow. He had no idea what suppress or sorrow were so after some vocabulary lessons about the two words and an example of how sometimes when you're in trouble or getting a lecture you might want to yell "I hate you MOM!" but if you hold back and wait until you're not angry, you could save yourself and your mom a lot of sadness. Alex admitted he has wanted to say "I hate you." to me many times. I can't say I blame him. I'm on his case an awful lot - I'm glad to see that although he doesn't know the word, he figured out how to suppress that anger. Boy Two hasn't. He looks at you as the enemy - just like a much younger child - I've had to teach all my toddlers, "We don't hit Mom." and "We don't hate." Boy Two is right there - although you and I can totally get the circle, hand holding exercise, it is just WAY OVER HIS HEAD. But don't feel bad, I spent two years with Alex giving him examples, object lessons, stories, scenario's that were WAY OVER HIS HEAD TOO. These kids are very literal. Wait until you work on expressions like "light a fire under him" - you light him on fire? It's just a concept that is beyond their scope of understanding - just like many object lessons. And it's exasperating! Especially when some of our object lessons are verging on brilliance!
So, my long rambling comment isn't anything more than a hang in there, it's not your fault, he doesn't hate you - really - and that some kids are so dense they'd rather not drive than do a stupid chore!
Hope you had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!