Thankful

My house is quiet.  It is late and everyone is sleeping.  I am baking.  

(I decided to bake desserts after all:))

The pumpkin dessert is in the oven baking, the pie crust is awaiting the oven, the brownies (yeah, I know, not your traditional turkey day indulgence, but I'm trying to provide a dairy free option) are waiting their turn for the oven also, the vegetables for the stuffing are prepped and in the fridge.  The laundry is getting caught up.  The bathrooms are clean, the house is (fairly) clean.  During this quiet time when there is no school tomorrow to be worrying about, no presentation to be preparing for, no 'pressing matters' to occupy my mind, my mind and heart are able to wander, to think freely.  

I think about BoyOne and BoyTwo and the amazing progress they have made here, in a family, our family.  I am overwhelmed by this miraculous transformation that is taking place in them physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and the equally as miraculous transformations that are taking place in the rest of us for opening our hearts to them.  

Right now, while BoyTwo is comfortably sleeping, all cozied up in a warm bed with his little stuffed animals and pillow and blanket, I can easily see the innocent child that he is.  His disabilities become invisible to me and the trials these disabilities present every day seem far away.  This is a rare occasion, sadly.  I wish he could have been here his whole life.  I wish I could have protected him from the effects of the lifestyle he was thrown into both prenatally and as an infant and toddler.  I wish that his whole life didn't have to be so difficult.  Even here, it is difficult for him.  Learning a new language.  Not being able to trust.  Still wondering about having enough to eat.  I wish I could make it all go away for him.

I remember all the people in Ukraine who had given up on BoyTwo.  At the age of 7!!  I don't judge them at all as I did initially.  If anything, I have far more respect for them and the difficult job they face of trying to teach and train and raise children in less than desirable circumstances, with very few resources.  Have they heard of FAS?  Do they have any idea about learning disabilities?  My word, they don't even understand physical disabilities.  Can you imagine the frustration they have trying to teach these children who appear to be 'normal' but cannot learn?  Can you imagine the irritation they feel when day after long day the child appears to be not listening or trying?  What about the outright defiance they have to endure?  I can empathize with them over this.  I have lived with it for the past year.  I have been spit on, sworn at, called names, hit, bit, had things thrown at me, etc., by one child!  Many times each of these things happened every day, day after day.  The orphanage the boys came from had nearly 300 children living there!  Can you imagine having multiple children doing this to you, day after day, year after year?!

I think of my (biological) little girls who have their own struggles, of the fight it has been, here in a free country with a surplus of knowledge and resources, to try to understand them and to find the help for them that they need.  I see them try so very hard every. single. day and still not understand what they are being taught and struggle to fit in.  What would have become of them if they had been the orphan in Ukraine?  It makes me sick to my stomach to think about what might have happened to Two, who, as an infant, literally cried hours and hours each day.  She couldn't tolerate most of the formulas we tried to supplement with and couldn't even tolerate rice cereal until she was 10 months old.  People.  She didn't even sleep longer than an hour at a time until she was 10 months old.  Even in the night.  She was completely nonverbal, no cooing, ahhing or utterance, until she was 1 1/2, except for when she was screaming bloody murder. She had a very difficult time making eye contact.  She couldn't hear well because of constant ear infections.  She was very small and grew slowly.  I can't imagine that with so many children needing attention, someone being able to sit with her for hours and hours, holding her and working with her, insisting on eye contact.  I can't imagine that there would have been anyone who would have been able, even if they wanted, to feed her one ounce of a bottle every hour and hold her until it had digested enough that she wouldn't throw most of it up.  Would someone have been able to take the time to learn sign language so that they could then teach her sign language so she could begin to communicate?  I'm not sure, but I imagine that babies like this are probably sent to separate orphanages for babies and young children with special needs.  Sometimes, at these orphanages, if they are lucky, they are treated well.  Sometimes, they aren't lucky and they lay in beds or cribs all day, every day, year after year.  After this, I know what happens.  When they turn 7 they are sent to a mental institution with people ages 7 on through adult.  Their circumstances are dire.  

What would happen to Three?  She looks normal, but would appear to be defiant because she does not listen.  We know that she is listening but does not understand what she is being told.  They would not know this.  They wouldn't understand this.  Would her orphanage staff had given up on her, deeming her unable to learn?

Tonight I am so grateful that I am their mom.  I am so grateful for each of my six children.  I am grateful that they are here with me, under my roof, within my reach.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with the resources and insight I need to see my children for who they are and who they have the potential to become.  I am so grateful that I know of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I am so grateful that I know that I can ask Them for help and for strength and for forgiveness.  I am so grateful that They know my children, and me, our needs, strengths, and weaknesses and how to overcome them through Them.  I am really grateful that I have been blessed with a simple and quick faith.  I am grateful for prayer.  I am grateful for the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father and Savior.  I am grateful for their unfailing, perfect love.

With this gratitude and thankful heart, there is the flip side, and I wonder and worry about all the other misunderstood children in the world.