Number of Days

422 - number of days the boys have been home

420 - number of days before BoyTwo told us he loved us

2,579 - number of days before I found out that Three couldn't understand what we were saying to her

2592 - number of days before I realized/understood that Three couldn't/can't understand what we are saying to her

3,309 - number of days before I realized that Two possibly has CAPD, too  (she's 9 so that's why this # is so much larger than Three's.  It was actually only 3 days after Three was diagnosed)

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Every morning when the kids wake up, we tell them good morning and that we love them.  Then before they leave for school, we tell them again.  When I drop them off at school, as they jump out of the car, we say 'I love you!' again.  During their day at school, I usually see one or more of them (because let's face it, with five kids at the elementary, I still practically live there:)), as we part I say it again.  We say it after we pray together.  After we brush their teeth and send them upstairs to await being tucked in, we say it again.  On the final tuck in (is there really such a thing??) we express our love to them.  If they get off their beds they are sent back (or escorted back) with an 'I love you!'.  Sometimes these 'I love you's are accompanied by us telling them something specific that we love about them, or listing several reasons why we love them.  Five of the six kids always answer back, 

'I love you, too!!'  Two days ago, after brushing BoyTwo's teeth, I sent him up to his bed to wait for a tuck in.  'K, BoyTwo, I'll be up in a few minutes to tuck you in.  I love you!'  And holycrap, 420 days and approximately 2,100 times later, the kid answered back,

'I love you, too!'

Huz and I were brushing different kids at separate sinks in the bathroom and both of us stopped, looked up and did the whole, 'did he just say what I think he said?', 'did you just hear that?'.  

Now, lest you think that hell froze over, this week, particularly the past few days, have been quite... rough.  That's a pretty nice way of putting it.  After really classic bad behavior, and a series of 'loving consequences', I tucked BoyTwo into bed tonight.  As I scooted the covers away from his face (he often buries his face and then I have to 'find' him, you know the game you play with your two year old) to 'look' for him, I noticed the sober look on his face.  Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear but a tear, out the corner of his eye.

Now, BoyTwo definitely cries, but his cries are usually raging cries, hateful cries where you can see in his face that he is wanting to rip the skin off your face and eat it.  This cry was different.  He was tender.

And then it hit me.  He had opened up to us on a whole new level (saying 'I love you') and was now testing us (bad behavior past few days) and was feeling sadness that I had been disappointed with the things that he had done!

Just to underscore the magnitude of this verbal expression of feelings, BoyTwo denies up and down that he loves his brother (whom we know without a shadow of a doubt he does in fact love) and according to the both of them, has never expressed this feeling to anyone.  In fact, one time I had tried to get him to verbalize his feelings for his brother, hoping that it would help him to recognize and put a name to that feeling that he had toward his brother.  He would. not. say. the. word. love.  He actually started to hyperventilate when I suggested that he loved BoyOne.  But, now this!

Hallelujah!!  The child can feel!!!  

*******

Still trying to sort through the whole CAPD thing.  As I read about CAPD (over and over and over into the wee hours of the morning) I see indicators or 'red flags' that may indicate that your child (or you) may have CAPD.  Every time I see that list, I don't see Three, I see Two.  Over and over.  Oh, how I hope I'm wrong.  Two has SPD and is actually the reason I first heard about CAPD years ago.  I thought she, possibly, could have this.  However, the 'red flags' for CAPD didn't encompass the sensory 'issues' she has.  And there's a lot of them.  So, when she was diagnosed with SPD, I basically forgot all about CAPD.  Until now.  Until I realized that I have been mentioning to Huz and her teacher how I'm concerned that she is not comprehending well.  Until I realized how many times a day she says 'huh?' and 'what?'.  Until I remembered the blank stares, her very delayed language progress, her serious difficulties with reading, rhyming, spelling, word confusion and substitution, etc.  

One thing that I was told that would help Three was to speak slower.  It would allow her more time to process what she was hearing.  I really thought that didn't apply to me.  As her mother, I have never once heard her indicate that she could not understand what I was saying.  She's never mentioned that she couldn't understand me.  Because of the SPD, a lot of the parenting things we do in our house are similar to those things you do for CAPD and ELL kids.  I have been thinking for a few days that I ought to try slowing down my speech.  Part of me wasn't going to try it because I really felt that as a mother, I would have known/noticed that this was something I needed to do.  I hadn't noticed a need.  Didn't think I needed to try.

Tonight, as I began read to Three and Four (BoyTwo is usually with us but was already in bed-see above section), I humbled myself and decided to try speaking quite slowly.  To be very honest, I felt like I was reading at a ridiculously slow pace.  We read half of what we usually did in the same amount of time.  When I finished, I turned to Three and asked if she liked the new way I was reading or if she wanted me to keep reading how I usually do.

"The new way."

Bad mommy.  I closed my eyes and then said, 

"I'm sorry I usually talk so fast!  I didn't realize you didn't understand me."

She said, "It's okay mom."

I love their immediate forgiveness and love.  She continued, 

"That's why I don't answer questions when we read scriptures (we read scripture together every morning.  Well, One or I read, the others listen as they can't read).  I can't understand you or Savanna."

Oh my holy crap.  Bad bad mommy!  (I'm not looking for anyone to reassure me that I'm not a bad mommy, it's just the immediate thought I had when this happened.  It's a natural feeling, I think, to realize you have unintentionally failed your child)  This poor child.  Then the whole movie thing happens where you flashback to twenty different scenes and replay them in your head in a matter of a millisecond.  I thought of all the 'labels' she had been given.  Shy.  Quiet.  Withdrawn.  Not attentive.  Difficulty keeping up with classwork.  Well, duh.  She seemed shy, quiet and withdrawn because she couldn't tell what was going on.  I remember being in Ukraine, hanging out with a bunch of Russian speaking adults.  I could have easily been tagged as all of those things.  Not attentive.  Difficulty keeping up with classwork.  Well, yeah.  When you can't tell what anyone is saying, you can't exactly follow along.  

Hugs.  Kisses.  Again.  Tuck in.  More 'I love yous'.  Go downstairs to read with Two who is waiting patiently on my bed with her book.  We have this great system.  She reads, I read.  This helps her a ton as she tires when she reads.  She has a hard time comprehending.  She, through much effort on her part and mine, has become a good reader.  In fact she tested really well, being able to read at a 6th grade level.  Comprehension?  Nope.  Below her current grade level (3rd grade).  She has learned to compensate.  She taught herself to read well and quickly.  People just have no idea that she doesn't know what in the world is being said.  (except her teachers and myself who notice this.  it's kept her safe from feeling alienated from classmates)

When it was my turn to read, I read my section slooooowly, as I had done with Three.  When I was done, I asked Two if she liked the new way I was reading or if it was too slow and did she want me to read my usual way.  She, too, liked the slower reading.  I told her that I know I read fast and that I was sorry that I hadn't asked her before.  She told me it was okay and that she thought it was better to have me read slow because then she could understand what was going on (in the book) and maybe we could all talk slower, too, so she could understand.

For reals?!  For reals.  I had no. idea.  

I'm sure you've heard of 'Fast Talker' and 'Soft Talker' and 'Loud Talker'.  Let me introduce myself to you,  

"Hello, I am now s.l.o.w.  t.a.l.k.e.r."