Fair v. Equal

This week I was in a meeting at our local elementary school discussing the upcoming year and back-to-school assembly. The theme for the school year is 'Go for the Gold!' The idea is to encourage the kids to try their very best, and to have fun and enjoy and appreciate the experience. Because the summer Olympics will be held during the summer following the school year, we also thought it would be appropriate and fun to tie in the Olympics. Each grade will be representing a country and will learn about that country as part of their curriculum (this was the teachers' idea). We will be hosting a family fun Olympic night where families can come to the school and participate in the mock Summer Olympics, among other things.

For the back-to-school assembly, we are having the Opening Ceremonies. Each class will decorate a flag to denote their 'city/family' within their grades' country. Then, with the Olympic theme music playing, each class will enter the gym, carrying their flag. Like the march of the athletes or whatever it is called. Our cool new principal will be MC-ing and has been practicing his microphone voice. We will have 'runners' run around the gym with a 'torch' (fake, just in case anybody is concerned...) and light the Olympic torch. So much fun. The kids love it. I've actually seen something similar done before at another school we attended.

My job as the rep from the PTO is to prepare the materials for the class flags so that on Monday morning they can be handed out to the teachers to be decorated. Easy peasy! Wrong. I, of course, was planning on having each 'flag' be the same size and was thinking that the teachers and their classes would be able to use their combined creativity to prepare their flags. After all, each country within the world has their own flag that they have created. Someone asked for an example flag to be available so that the teachers understood what to do. I was a little confused, thinking that it really couldn't be much more clear. The person went on to say that they needed an example so that one class didn't color their flag with crayons and handwriting and another use a Cricket machine (an automatic cutting machine to cut stenciled letters and pictures). She then said one of my least favorite lines:

"Because it wouldn't be fair."

Ever since we moved up here, that is a huge concern with waaaaaaaay too many people. I hear it all the time. 'We can't have a contest because not everyone would win-and that wouldn't be fair,' 'we can't display student exhibits of those who participated in a state wide event because those kids who chose not to participate might feel badly-and it wouldn't be fair,' 'we can't have individual classroom holiday parties, because what if that class has a better treat than this class-it wouldn't be fair.'

Are you freaking kidding me. Seriously.

Call me crazy, but I'd hate for my kids to grow up thinking that life was equal and that everything was equal regardless of effort. I am of the opinion that people are confusing fair with equal. What they want is for everything to be the same, which to me means equal. Fair is when there is a contest and everyone has an equal opportunity to participate, but only a few kids win. Fair is when a student works really hard on a project for a fair and gets to display his/her work. Fair allows for creativity to prevail and at times for logical consequences to take place which might actually mean you don't win, or get the same thing as your neighbor. Fair means that sometimes, things just might not be the same.

If my kid works really hard and wins something, she learns that hard work brings reward. If she works really hard and doesn't win, well then, that's okay. Because guess what?! That is real life. It's great to work really hard on something and simply learn to enjoy the feeling of satisfaction from doing your very best, and from simply participating. I do not want my kids growing up believing that mediocrity is the only requirement in life and that they will still be able to 'win.' I would way rather them learn these little lessons during childhood than as a spoiled adult when the stakes are much higher. Someone is always going to have a bigger house and a faster, more expensive car. Someone may choose to vacation at a resort while others prefer to camp. This doesn't mean it is unfair. It just means that we are each different people having different life experiences. Certainly life is not always fair or equal. My Ukrainian kids are prime examples of this. Do I wish that they had been given a better start to life? Heck, yes! (there's the Utah in me) Do I wish that they had been spared the difficulties they have endured thus far? Absolutely. However, I don't want them to always win. I don't want them to always have everything everyone else has or everything they want. And heaven knows this hasn't been a problem so far! What has been a problem is that in their country there was a long period of time where a government tried to make everyone the same. They tried to make everything 'fair.' And that still carries over there today. Here, too. Everyone wants something for nothing. There is no incentive to try harder or to do better or more. Because for a long time, it didn't matter how hard you tried or what you did, the result was the same. I think that mentality is dangerous and sad. It will produce disappointing results and a collective feeling of indifference.

Yes, I actually want my kids to lose. I want them to lose so that I can help them see that it's not the end of the world. I want them to lose so that I can help them to understand that they still have great worth and that they can still feel good about themselves because they did a great job. I want them to lose so that they will see that we still love them. I want them to know that winning or being the very best can be fun and exciting, but that it is not the most important thing in this world. And yes, I try to provide these learning opportunities at home, but I'd like for them to see it in other life situations, too.

With my Ukrainian kids, I anticipate having to teach this from the opposite perspective. Here, my bio kids get it drilled into them that no matter what they do everything will be awesome!!! There, my Ukrainian kids learn from experience that no matter what they do, everything just sucks. I hope that I have enough time with them to help them see the beauty of the world. I want them to have a desire to try despite their past. I want them to know that good things can still happen. I pray that they will be able to recognize that they have worth and value as a human being and as a child of God. I want them to know that no matter what, we love them. That's going to be a hard one, I'm afraid. To convince them that love is not conditional and that it doesn't go away may take a lifetime. I just wish we could get them here so we could have a more hands on approach!!