Sunday

Today I had planned to go to church but when I woke up this morning it was pouring rain. I searched the apartment and couldn't find an umbrella. Walking 45 minutes in the rain was not something I wanted to do and it didn't occur to me until just now that I probably could have walked to the store that is about ten minutes away to buy an umbrella, but oh well! I waited a little while to see if it let up and it didn't, so I tried to go back to sleep.

I ended up doing nothing today. I didn't leave the apartment once. I finished off the last of my veggies for dinner and, of course, ate some ice cream, my comfort food. I read my scriptures a lot, prayed, searched the internet for recipes to make when I get back home, researched a couple of medical conditions I wanted to learn more about, and watched two movies. Along Came Polly and Hitch. They made me laugh. It felt good:)

I remember this time last week I was thinking about this week. I thought I'd be preparing to go pick up the boys from the camp. I had planned on bringing more food to the kids and hopefully spending some time with them before leaving for good. I was worried that it would be so hard to leave all the other kids there, knowing that I wouldn't be back. Knowing what the future held for them. Not knowing if there was anything I'd ever be able to do for any of them. I didn't even think there was a possibility that I might be leaving my kids there. Even Friday morning I was wondering how soon all of us would be able to get home, hoping that it would be within a week to ten days. Now, I wonder how long it will be before I will be able to come back to get them.

I'm supposed to find out some information tomorrow from an attorney and that will hopefully give us an idea of what steps will have to be taken.

Last week I was worried about handling potential poor behavior while traveling, now I'd be thrilled to deal with bad behavior if it meant they would be traveling with me.

I guess that is one of life's lessons. No matter how carefully we line things up and no matter what necessary steps we take, it's never really 'our plan,' is it? Sometimes, a lot of times, I trick myself into thinking that I have everything under control, that things are going the way I want them to. I forget that this is not what life is about, that all of this is our Heavenly Father's plan, that He has everything under control. Certainly, I believe, He expects us to do everything within our capabilities to make things happen. Then, I think we are supposed to let Him make up the deficit. I don't believe in a God who makes bad things happen (like the Rat having this birth certificate created), but I do believe in a God who will take every opportunity that presents itself to follow us down whatever road we are on and show us how it can lead us to Him. So, now while I am obviously very disappointed and distressed about the goings on of the past few days, I am feeling peace. I believe that as long as I do all that I can, He will ensure the end result. The other tricky part is that the end result is not always what we think it should be, and that's part of the trust that we have to have in Him. I know that Heavenly Father loves me, and my family and those boys. (Actually, I know He loves everybody but for the sake of the length of this post I'll leave it at that) I know that because of this love that He has for us, combined with the efforts we are making and the efforts that are being made in our behalf, along with the many prayers that are being said, that He will take care of things. He will take care of these boys. He has a plan for them. He is bigger than any dumb piece of paper, bigger than any judicial system, bigger than any hope or dream. He has a plan and it will prevail.

The words of a song have been with me today, "He'll Carry You," by Hilary Weeks. While my feelings and thoughts are not nearly as hopeless and devastated as those of the person in this song, I do truly believe in the message of the song. That Jesus Christ will lift our heavy load-our burden, our heartache, our trouble, our sins, our efforts, and He will make up the difference and see us through to the end. He is waiting at every step we take for us to turn to Him and allow His atonement to work in our lives. He is the Master healer of body and mind, of sin, heartache, burden, trouble, distress, loneliness, fear, and hopelessness.

(and now for my first link ever. I hope it works)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCVT88Dz_CM