What Do You Do...

...when your seven year old is really a two year old in all senses except for his actual birthdate???

What happens when he missed out on some key developmental parts of his babyhood and toddlerhood?

What if he was taken care of by his older brother, who by the way did a fabulous job, but that resulted in him picking up on and participating in behaviors far above his appropriate age level?

What am I supposed to do when he thinks he is seventeen, all other indicators say that he is two, and he is really seven???

When we hosted, it was evident that BoyTwo was far younger than his six years. During the three weeks we had them, Huz and I estimated him to be about three years old, same as Four. Only a year later he is seven and we are finding out that he is really only two.

As Four would say, "What the...?!"

After the hosting time, I took it upon myself to find out what I could about this weird age phenomenon and discovered it to be quite common in children who have for some reason or another suffered trauma that prevented them from going through their 'normal' stages of life. The 'answer' to helping kids overcome this is to let them experience the stages they have missed.

For different people that means different things. I know some people who have regressed their child back to an infantile stage where they bottle feed their child, feed them baby food, sleep them in a crib, allow them to be diapered, and transport them everywhere (as you would an infant). Other people have not gone back quite that far or extreme and keep their child's world very small. They are the only caretakers. Period. I would say this is the toddler stage. They do everything for their child. Everything. Even things the child is able to do himself or herself. Others yet allow their child to regress to childlike behaviors below their given age, accept it and encourage the child to explore a stage that they are revisiting, until the child naturally moves on to the next stage.

Crazy as it sounds, many people attest to this method of recreating a child's missed stages of growth. Don't judge anyone for doing this until you've been there yourself. And not just as a sideline witness:)

In September, upon arriving home, BoyTwo seemed to settle in to the anticipated behaviors of testing limits, fearing loss, demanding serious attention, and all the others that I felt I was mentally prepared for. Then he threw me a loop on about the third or so day when he was unable to dress himself. The most bizarre thing about this for me is that he dressed himself just fine the year previous during hosting. I highly doubt that an orphanage full of children has people that dress the children for themselves. I had spent two full weeks with him in Ukraine where he dressed himself just fine.

What in the crap was going on????

Fast forward to now. He is seven going on two. He has integrated into school quite well, despite his occasional incidents. Which, by the way, seem more to be age appropriate inappropriateness. How's that for confusing?? His poor behavior is what you would expect from a child his age, is what I mean. At home, where we initially felt like we had the most progress, he is quickly spiraling down to a younger age.

This is tricky for me. I'm going to be totally honest here. I don't really like babies. I can do the baby thing just fine and I'm actually really good with babies and kids. I just don't really like it. So the first problem is me. I don't like having to have a baby/toddler again. Especially one who is the size of a seven year old (okay, okay, maybe the size of a five or six year old. he's small) and as destructive as five seven year olds!! The other problem is that the method we have used up to now of allowing him to 'naturally' revisit missed stages seems to have worked initially, but now I'm not sure what is going on.

He went from seven to four to two and is still two. As I type this, I'm beginning to see more clearly. That's the beauty of writing things down, or talking something over with a friend. You can work your way through something. Sometimes. I guess I should feel happy that he feels safe and secure enough to revisit his early childhood in order to progress. I guess I should be glad that he's going through this right now instead of when he is fifteen or something. I guess I should feel blessed that I get to have him as a two year old since I missed those early years of his life.

But I don't.

I feel frustrated that a child who was once able to dress himself now requires the attention of a ten month old. I am bugged that I have to treat him like a two year old all the time, especially when sometimes he still thinks he is seventeen. Most of all I am disappointed with myself for feeling these things, although I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I just wish that I was more prepared for a toddler. I am also having self conflict as to how to find a balance in having a seven year old that thinks he is seventeen, who at one time did things that an inappropriate seventeen year old might do, who is two in nearly every aspect of his life.

The families who have gone to the extremes in regressing their child's age, from what I can tell, have done this primarily to help the child. I would like to put BoyTwo in a crib in my room for selfish reasons! It would be far easier for me to treat him completely as though he is two, rather than to have him be two, then seven, then two, then four, then two, then ten, then two, then one and so on. All in the course of an hour.

GAH!!

Don't worry. I'm not freaking out. Nor am I feeling at my wits end. I have been praying about this and mulling things over in my mind (constantly:)). I think part of what needs to happen is for me to readjust my expectations for life right now. I've already done this a couple of times since bringing the boys home and I'd be lying if I said it would be easy.

One thing I didn't bargain for is the sadness I feel that BoyTwo is so much younger. As I said before, I was ready for a three or four year old. Although there is only a year or two difference in those expectations versus where he is now, that is a world of difference in cognitive ability among other things. Part of me wonders if he will ever be age appropriate. Part of me grieves that he cannot participate in things that other kids his age do. The rest of me is gearing up to handle this better. To be a better 'therapeutic parent' as parents who have children with trauma are called.

In the mean time, pass the chocolate.