A Realization

here's a link to a website that has a bunch of articles and info on FAS/FAE/FASD, etc.

http://come-over.to/FASCRC/articles.htm

**warning. loooooooooooong.**

The hardest part of blogging for me is coming up with post titles. Not sure why, just is.

I read a comment about exotropia. Have you ever heard of it? I hadn't! Until I googled it and realized I just didn't know the correct name for it. In response to that comment, it's an interesting thought that we'll have to check out. Three had her vision tested before Kindergarten and checked out all clear. I don't see any physical signs of this, but as there are varying degrees of exotropia, and in some cases it is not constant, I think it is worth checking out! Thanks for the tip!

Next item of business. I am a bit suspicious that BoyTwo has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, FAS, or perhaps Fetal Alcohol Effects, FAE. There are some obvious reasons I suspect this (admitted prenatal drinking) and some other behavioral things I have noticed. It is not listed on any documentation that we have from the orphanage or from the adoption itself. I do not in any way think that the orphanage or the adoption agency we used were trying to pull a fast one on us by not telling us, either. FAS is a legitimate concern for children that are from Eastern European countries. Not all children have FAS just because they are orphans, but at the same time, it is not a rarity to find this disability among the children either.

When we hosted the boys, I was head over heals in love with them both. I had read a TON and talked to a ton of people and stalked a ton of blogs. We were pretty prepared for our time with them then. He was definitely young for his age (unfortunately not as young as I discovered once we were home, surprise!), but I didn't notice anything that concerned me too much. During our first trip to Ukraine, it was SOOOOOOOOO crazy and emotional, I think if BoyTwo had lost a limb I may not have noticed, so I'm certain I didn't see anything that concerned me then, either.

On our two subsequent trips to Ukraine, both of which I was alone during the majority of the time, I began to notice some things about BoyTwo and his behaviors, coupled with reports I was hearing from his teacher and caregivers and director and bio parents that definitely made me start to wonder if FAS was a real possibility for our little boy. I began to casually find out what I could about FAS, I mean Zap was totally exciting, but I had a lot of down time in my blue apartment:) I was trying to educate myself so that I could be in a position to understand what was going on, if anything, and be able to help him. And me.

My translator/facilitator in Kyiv was a women who has spent a lot of time at special needs orphanages, has worked with many special needs kids, has seen a lot of FAS, and has facilitated a lot of adoptions. She also spent a fair amount of time with us in Kyiv. The day before we left Ukraine, I asked her for her honest opinion regarding BoyTwo and FAS. I emphasized that I recognized that this was an opinion, that I knew she wasn't a doctor, that it would not change anything regarding the adoption, etc. I wanted her to feel like she could be honest with me. She told me, "Maybe." And that it was difficult to know and that I would have to watch him to see how he was progressing and have an American doctor help me. She also said that it was possible. I feel like she was being honest and fair with me. There were a lot of things that pointed in that direction and that still do. We have not taken BoyTwo to be professionally evaluated. I hope to do this sometime in the nearish future. I have a friend who has a son she suspected to have FAS/FAE and she took him to be evaluated six months after arriving home and the neuropsychologist was very hesitant to make a formal diagnosis based on the lack of language along with the major transitions that had and were still taking place. This is why we are waiting a little longer.

In the meantime, I read here and there, mostly stuff from websites that pop up when I google FAS, and I occasionally hear something via a blog. What I am finding out it that it is very complex. (duh) Moreso than I thought. There's a great little article titled The Visible Kid with the Invisible Disability that I will link, as soon as I figure out how to, that describes FAS pretty well. Tonight, I'd like to share with you an experience we had yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon, BoyTwo came to me tearfully. He is rarely emotional (unless severe hyperactivity is an emotion) and so I was concerned. His English is so great that he can tell me nearly anything he needs to. He is still learning to converse (think 2 year old not being able to carry on a conversation not for lack of words but lack of ability), but he does pretty well with Huz and BoyOne and me. He told me that his 'eraser' (really a pencil grip) he had won from school had been stolen by BoyOne. I was a bit suspicious because, seriously, how lame is a pencil grip? And how much more lame is it to steal one? So, I asked him to describe to me what happened.

BoyTwo was playing with his pencil grip yesterday morning. All the kids were watching cartoons (a serious rarity at our house, like not even once a month). BoyOne saw the pencil grip and asked to see it. BoyTwo handed it to him. BoyOne put the pencil grip in his mouth and began chewing it. BoyTwo got upset and asked for it back. BoyOne got mad and threatened to beat BoyTwo if he told us about this. BoyOne did not give the pencil grip back.

I was mad. During the hosting and during all of our trips to Ukraine, BoyOne would take things from BoyTwo that he wanted with the threat of physical punishment if he was not obeyed. We saw him follow through with his threats (of course we would stop it). When they came to America, this happened for about the first month, with each incident becoming fewer and farther between. Certainly there is still the sibling bickering that can occur, but nothing I would call bullying or abuse. BoyOne has been a joy. A definite stinker at times, but I often joke that I could take ten of him because he is so 'textbook' for lack of a better word. So, I was mad that he had done this. I was mad and sad that he for whatever reason had reverted back to this behavior. In a house where he is the oldest of six children, it concerned me. He was at a friend's house. I called him and asked him to come home. He came right home.

When he came in (Huz was home yesterday because originally we were to go out of town, but ended up not going, but he had taken the day off and decided to spend it with us anyhow, yay!), Huz and I were both in the kitchen with BoyTwo waiting for him. I went up to him and got in his face like I have seen him do to others (again, this was way in the past) and asked him why he was being mean to BoyTwo, why was he talking to him like this? Where was the 'eraser'?

This is so impressive. (Not me, him) He immediately recognized what I was talking about and that I was trying to show him how he was treating his brother. He said sorry to all of us, keeping calm this whole time, and then told us that BoyTwo was lying.

To make a looooooong post less long, here is the real story:

The kids were watching t.v. BoyTwo had his 'eraser'. BoyOne asked to see it and asked what it was. BoyTwo told him it was gum and that he could eat it. BoyOne put it in his mouth, quickly realizing that it was not gum. This is when he got mad at BoyTwo for lying to him and then laughing at him. BoyTwo told him that he was going to tell mom and dad that BoyOne stole his 'eraser' and was being 'scary' and this is when BoyOne said that he would beat BoyTwo if he told that lie. BoyOne then took the 'eraser' out of his mouth and threw it at BoyTwo who proceeded to flush it down the toilet. Fast forward to five hours later.

BoyTwo could. not. remember. He had absolutely no memory of this. He argued that BoyOne was lying and that he still had it in his mouth. At this point, Huz and I could tell that something was not quite right. There was no way BoyOne was making this jazz up. You know how you can tell when your kids are lying? He wasn't lying. BoyTwo insisted that his brother had the 'eraser' in his mouth! BoyOne even opened his mouth to prove to BoyTwo that he was not eating the 'eraser'. BoyOne then took BoyTwo on a very complete and thorough re-creation of the entire event. Huz and I followed right along. In the last scene, we all went into the bathroom together, BoyOne lifted the toilet lid, acted out throwing the eraser in. BoyOne continued on to flush the toilet and this, THIS moment, was when we saw BoyTwo remember what had really happened. To end the reenactment, BoyOne closed the lid (don't be jealous, he doesn't always do this). BoyTwo turned red and looked very embarrassed.

Then it hit me. This was FAS.

I was reminded of a blog post that I had read from a woman who has a daughter with FAS. This daughter had wrapped Christmas gifts and written 'to mom' 'love, her name' on them. Later that day, she saw the gifts under the tree with her name on them. The mom tried to tell the daughter that she had just wrapped them to give to the mom and even showed her how she had written that on them. In the end, it took this daughter unwrapping the gifts for her to be able to remember what had really happened. And she was embarrassed. Just like BoyTwo.

I apologized to BoyOne for getting in his face and he, very graciously, accepted my apology and even apologized to Huz and BoyTwo and me for getting in BoyTwo's face earlier. He commented that BoyTwo 'no remember every day.' He is right. It makes me wonder how often he is forgetting stuff like this. I know for a fact that he does lie and manipulate and sometimes tries to get others in trouble, but it certainly made me stop and think. It made me really hurt for this little guy. It made me wonder how many times a day he is confused and obstinate and ornery because he cannot remember what is happening or what he is supposed to do. How affected is he? Is this truly FAS/FAE? What does his future hold? Statistically, if it is FAS/FAE, it's not the brightest of futures, here or in Ukraine. That is a lot to think about. I always thought that if we could somehow, someday get the boys to America, we would be able to give them the opportunity to have a better future than had they remained in Ukraine. Simple enough to achieve, I thought. Now I'm not so sure. All because of alcohol. It makes me mad. It makes me mad that this was repeated. And it makes me feel bad that she was/is in such a bad place that she could not make herself stop drinking. :( siiigh.

So, to wrap things up, if you know of any good FAS/FAE resources, I'm open for suggestions. I do realize that it will be most helpful to consult with a professional regarding this matter, but like I said, we have made the decision to wait a few months longer. In the mean time, I'm willing to read, read, read.