Airport trouble

So, for whatever reason the computer won't let me center this or change the font size. Whatever...

Huz and I were able to spend a couple days in Scottsdale this week. The sun was shining and the sky was blue. I think one of my favorite things about AZ is the citrus trees. I love seeing the orange and yellow fruits hanging in the middle of the leaves. So cool!!

I think when Huz and I arrived to the airport we were both thinking how much easier it would be to get through security without the kids. We've flown a lot with the kids. And by we I mean me. It's much easier now that they are older (but sadly, I think our flying days have ended now that everyone is full price it's cheaper to drive. bummer.). There's nothing like a single lady walking onto a plane with four kids that makes the hearts of all the other passengers sink. For the most part the kids do really well. It's just that tricky security line where we have to take all the shoes off and fold up all the strollers and get the toddler to walk through the metal detector to the stranger... You know. Just a lot of work. So we thought without the kids we'd breeze right through.

Hahaha.

Our first problem was when I thought you could carry on 6 ounces of liquid instead of the 3 or 4 that it really is. I wasn't planning on checking any luggage, I just had a carry on. When I got to the scanner and saw that I had too many ounces, I took them out of the bag and handed them to the attendant and told him that they had too many ounces and that we could just throw them away (goodbye to twenty dollars worth of lotion.:( ) Instead of simply throwing them out I got a lecture on how they only allow the 3 or 4 ounces. I kept nodding my head in agreement and apologizing. Then he went on to pull more things out of my bag like my face cleaner and deodorant and tell me how they could be considered liquid but they weren't. I'm thinking, fine, I don't care, put it down, let me through. And all the people behind me were thinking "SWEAR WORD!! COME ON LADY!!" I felt like turning around and making an announcement, "I am fully cooperating with this TSA employee. In fact I offered to just throw my stuff away and he wants to have a conversation. I am being agreeable. Please, don't hate me." FINALLY he sends me to the full body scanner. I really don't care about this too much. I don't love that the employees can see everything, but hey most of them aren't rock stars or super models either. Whatever. And hey, it helps us all be safe. And I am all for getting to and from in safety. (I forgot to mention that I have anxiety when I fly without my kids. I don't like to travel with Huz because I worry about both of us dying...) So, safety is extremely important.

So I finally get promoted to the full body scanner. I walk in, assume the position, the scanner circles me, I step out where I am approached by two new airport employees. Seriously?! They tell me that I have an unidentified object in my back pants pocket and that I will need to have a pat down. I didn't know that I had anything in my back pocket so I asked if I could take said object out. They said yes. I pulled a hair elastic out. It didn't even have a metal part to it. All elastic. Harmless, I thought, but I'm sure Matt Damon could do something tricky with it in his next Bourne movie... So, now I'm pulled aside and have to assume another position while I am patted down. Again, not my favorite thing, but I don't care. At least we're going to be safe. I figure if they do this to me over a hair band then they guy carrying a bomb for sure won't get through, right? But now I'm starting to feel a little embarassed because they tell Huz he can just go around me because "this lady's going to be a while." And he goes around me and doesn't even make eye contact!! He's embarassed by me!! And then all the other people who were in line behind me when I held up the conveyor belt are now passing me giving me dirty looks of annoyance. My desire to make an announcement has only increased. I so badly want to say over a microphone, "it's a hair elastic folks. The kind without the metal. That's what this is all about. I promise I'm just a stay at home mom."

If you thought that was the end of the story, it's not. After they clear me from the pat down, I am met by yet another employee and told that I have to have my hands swabbed because there is a substance on them. What?!?! You have got to be kidding me. By now Huz has collected all his stuff and is walking away from me towards the escalator so as to ensure nobody thinks we're together. They swab my hands and while we wait for the results I tell the lady that I put lotion on about 20 minutes ago. She tells me that I shouldn't put lotion on before going through security. Really?!?! Has anyone else heard this before?! I cannot be the only woman who has put lotion on 20 minutes before going through airport security. COME. ON. Finally I am cleared. Who knew I could be such a potential threat?! I do look slightly menacing in my worn out jeans and black t-shirt.

This whole process takes so long that we are nearly the last people on our plane which for some reason annoys all the passengers. I don't really get this. The plane can't leave until a certain time anyway and it's not like they're holding the plane for us, so who cares if we are the last ones on. And we are adults. It's not like I'm the last one on with the four kids.

Anyhow, we finally made it and I'm glad to have gone through this comical series of events here and now. I'm a little nervous about the flight to Ukraine, obviously. It will be a really long flight over large bodies of water and I'll have to go through lots of security. But don't worry, I won't have any hair elastics in my back pocket and I will not try to carry on any lotions. And I certainly won't be applying any lotions before during or after the flight. Good grief.